Is it ever really going to work?

[jeanette]

So my boyfriend is coming to visit me from France in a couple weeks and i am so up in the air about it. I am beyond excited to see him, but I feel like he is not really making an effort (despite coming here obviously haha).

He doesn't really speak any English and almost none of my friends or family speak french so it's going to bit a of a nuisance. I in no way expect him to be like bilingual, but I would at least like him to try and want to get to know the important people in my life, and I feel like he doesn't. I know he is coming to see me but I want him to meet and like my friends.

There has also been talk of moving and I feel that he would never actually make the move to Canada. It would be me expected to move there and give up everything. He doesn't have the same types of friendships I do, not to mention that it would be easier for him to find a job in French speaking place in Canada than for me to be employed in France. I just feel like I'm the only one trying to make it even and he just has no interest in leaving France.

Am I just paranoid? Has anyone ever felt like this? If I ever bring it up he just shrugs it off.

Thanks in advance!

[differentcountries]

Why are you so concerned with moving? You have only met once apart from your initial trip to France. He has never been to your country. He does not speak the language of your family/friends/area . Expecting him to move to a place he has never been is a bit too much. How about worrying that he will enjoy the visit? I get wanting him to learn English but perhaps his motivation will come after the visit, and at least you will be able to translate.

[jeanette]

It's not really the moving, like I said it's only been briefly spoken about. It's certainly not in the immediate future anyway as we are both in school. But I get what you are saying he's never been anywhere besides France.

I want him to enjoy his time here obviously but I just feel like him not even trying with English is way of him not really caring in a sense. And I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't shake it. So annoying! Haha

[differentcountries]

If he has never been abroad before, he has never needed English for anything. I guess they learn it in school but I am not sure if they place a lot of value on it. Since you also speak his language (even before meeting him), he may not see the point yet. Or he doesn't know where to begin.

I didn't feel the need to really start learning Turkish before meeting my SOs family who speak very little English. Then I just threw myself into online classes, local classes etc. And my SO was not interested in learning much Norwegian before his first visit to Norway - it was very interesting how he was trying out all the sounds of my language.

If you are keen on having him learn English you might have to help him do just that. Just because you enjoyed studying language doesn't mean it will be as easy for him.

[snow]

From what I know, English is not very well liked in France. My French teacher once said that any French person would prefer you speaking broken French to speaking English any day, so maybe that's how he feels about English, have you talked about it?

He might not even had to learn it in school, which means, it'd be really difficult to learn on his own, coming from a language that is very different and with no guidance (though he could take classes, if they offer any.)

[kittyo9]

Your situation sounds kind of opposite to mine-- I speak only English and tiny, not very useful bits of Spanish, while J is fluent in both Spanish and English. I was never particularly interested in learning Spanish and studied other languages during school. This basically puts me in your SO's position and him in yours. The difference for us was that it was never a question of who was moving where; the quality of life is unquestionably better here, and he speaks English whereas I don't speak Spanish, so it made sense for him to move to the states.

I did, however, go visit him, and I did meet his friends and family, despite the language barrier. I used what little Spanish I did know and had him help translate the rest. A few of his friends and family members spoke some English as well, so that helped. One of his friends came over to his house one day and we made pancakes, and she knew some English so we were all talking in English, but that was the first time he'd ever spoken English with her so it was really funny for them.

I still haven't learned Spanish, but I do try to pick up little bits when I can because I do want to be able to communicate with the people who are important to him. I think if I were moving to Peru, I'd be more motivated to learn, but right now I just don't have a need to speak it, so I kind of understand where your SO stands. It might be that since nothing is set in stone, he doesn't feel like he needs things to change and that it's fine if he can't talk to your friends because all he really cares about is you. If you really want your SO to come to stay with you, you'll have to have a discussion with him about how important your established relationships are and how much it would hurt you to have to move away when he could easily come to you. He'll also need a lot of support learning English if he decides to do that, so definitely be ready and willing to help.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

The language barriers has been the toughest part for me in my LDR. Before going to the Netherlands, I literally knew nothing in Dutch. My SO is completely fluent in English, as is his whole family, so I didn't really put too much effort into it. Once I got there though, I realized that I really needed it. Even though they are all fluent, their automatic is Dutch, so that left me out of a whole hell of a lot of conversations. It also sucks to feel like a burden when someone has to translate for you all the time. Although my Dutch is still pretty non-existent, I am slowly but surely getting better. I really didn't have a drive to learn it at all until I was there though. Even now being back, it's hard to keep motivation when you don't need it on a regular basis.

As far as being mad that he doesn't want to learn English, I would say that it's not fair. It is one thing to be disappointed because he isn't making an effort, but another thing to be angry because he doesn't have an interest in learning English. Personally, languages aren't fun and are very hard for me, so I can understand not wanting to learn another one. With that being said, if he still is not making an effort after his time visiting you, it might be nice just to mention to your SO that you would really appreciate if he would try to learn your language. I didn't realize how much my SO wanted me to learn Dutch until I actually started trying.

I never thought I would want to move to the Netherlands, but after living there for a bit, I realized that it is something that I would potentially do if that's what I had to to close the distance. It could be the same way with him. Fair warning though: it took me months to warm up to the country (especially because of the language barrier), so it's possible that he could hate it there just because he feels uncomfortable. Try to get him to be as open about it as possible.