Anyone else ever feel this way?

[S41r4]

Hey guys, I need some opinions

Some of you know my story, I dated a girl who basically hated the fact she liked girls and in March broke up with me unexpectedly. Since then she’s visited London. I went through a lot with her, we had some of the best times, travelling through Europe together and falling in love with Barcelona together but also being just friends. And It was weird, awkward and frustrating.

Once she went back to US, we talked a lot. It was like we were together but we weren’t. She was keen to start dating again and try and move on from this.

She suggested I visit for a weekend, kinda hook up, have some fun but with no strings. And at first I agreed thinking it was a good idea, but then it dawned upon me – I’m a good looking girl I don’t need to travel 3000 for a meaningless hook up. Well of course it means a lot but I guess a casual hook up.

So I put my foot down and said I’m done. By now I’d already started pulling away from her a little. I told her, I want all or nothing. I want to get back together or I wanna be free to move on, completely. Not texting and skyping with her at every opportunity.

She asked me out, she wanted me back. She realised she made a mistake she wants me back. Since then we have been perfect, I see all the changes, all the problems in the past are getting resolved. She finally told some people about her sexuality and me!! This is huge.

Now heres the problem –

Yesterday I admit I was exhausted, having not slept properly in a few nights and I was cranky.

We’re both about to be really busy because I have 3 cousins getting married and 15 guests to entertain, once I get free from my crazy 2 weeks, she starts her busy rotation at the hospital.
So yesterday, I had some plans that I cancelled because I realised the date clash – I get free aug 3 she starts new rotation aug 1. we’re gonna be so busy, so I cancelled thinking I’m gonna talk to my girl.

I know I should have told her and got her opinion, that hey I’ll cancel if you’re free too…. Instead of just assuming. All evening I felt like I wasn’t getting her attention, she was distracted with house stuff and chores and then finally when we’re both free to chat she says “I can talk until X time, then I need to shower”

And that’s when I got annoyed and my mood changed. She joked and said she thinks I want full control of her schedule – which obviously hurt a little because I don’t want to be that way.

I believe deep down the problem is, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing – whether I’m at work, I have my own office so don’t need to worry about bosses watching me, out with friends, with family, running errands, at the gym, whatever whenever if she wants to talk I’ll talk. But she has her priorities straight. Like she's going home this weekend, I know I will barely get to speak to her.
We’re different in that way I guess.
Now I do not wanna break up with her because in person we’re perfect and we work so well. And 99% LDR we’re fine too.
We talked a little bit ago and she said when I act like that I come across needy. Now I definitely do not wanna come across that way!!

Also, in 4 weeks I’m visiting my aunt who lives 10 miles from her, so will get to see her a decent amount and then we have a trip for Sep planned and mid October we close the distance.

What do you guys make of this?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Obviously you two have gone through a lot, which definitely influences how you're seeing things. I can't pretend like I understand how hard it has been on you through this whole thing. However, I do understand LD and that alone is where my answer is coming from. Yes, I make it a priority to talk to my SO whenever possible. We talk at inconvenient times and sacrifice sleep and other things in order to be able to spend some time together. With that being said, I feel like in a LDR your SO can't be your first priority, you have to be. If I dropped everything every time he wanted to talk, I would be miserable and I would never get anything I needed to done! Instead, I may be cleaning when I talk to him or only have X amount of time to talk because of whatever else it is that I have to do. It sucks, but that's part of being LD. I have to take care of me. It sounds like your SO is very similar to me in this way. She may have been distracted, but she wanted to spend that time with you even if it wasn't 100% because she had to get stuff done but still wanted to see your face. I get how that can be frustrating, but isn't it better than her saying that she couldn't talk at all because she only had until X and she had to shower and clean and whatever else? You have a right to be upset that you couldn't get a solid amount of time talking. I understand that those times are needed to feel like you're actually with a person. But I also feel like you need to understand and accept that some people need to make other priorities because otherwise they wouldn't be able to continue with their lives at home.

[sasad]

I am confused about the dates and "free" thing... What did you cancel? I do see she is busy starting Aug 1 and you are busy starting Aug 3?
honestly, you do seem a bit controlling with what she does. She seems to be trying to balance her life and yours. Are you upset she isnt coming to a full stop with you?

[snow]

It's a simple fix, something that can be cleared up by simply talking and being upfront. I am slowly learning this and it makes life so much easier.

Instead of assuming ANYTHING, ask! It's great that you can move around things and make time for her, but it might not be as easy for her and she needs to be asked before. I always made time for my man, but when he was busy, it wasn't as simple for him to move things around, not because he didn't want to, but because he made plans and wanted to follow through, which is not a bad thing! I learned saying "hey babe, I'd like to do something with you later in the afternoon, how does that sound?" goes a long way and prevents me from getting grumpy when I don't get that one-on-one time I need.

I wouldn't say she is not as invested or not as interested or not pulling her weight, I simply think you two have different priorities and need to talk how to make time for each other.

I remember when I was younger I told my ex that I would go on a week long trip and we had a sad goodbye online, but then I was able to squeeze in another hour the next day and I was ecstatic to be able to talk again, while he was grumpy because it wasn't something he planned and he didn't want to have to say goodbye again. *shrug* that's people for ya.

[differentcountries]

I don't think it is a healthy attitude to want to drop everything once your SO is available. Try to make time for, sure, but even if you have your own office you are working so why should you drop things once she is available? How is it even possible to talk to her if you are in the gym? When I am at the gym we are not allowed to bring our cell phones but must keep them in the locker... Also, are you really talking to her if you are with friends (for more than five minutes to arrange the longer convo)? Isn't that very rude towards the friends who came to see you?

I am a planner and I like plans. The only reason I am semi -available to SO at random hours is because his work scedule puts a lot of preassure on him. But for instance I refuse to move my sleep scedule for him. I have a responsability towards myself and work to get enough sleep, I have had sleep problems in the past too so I will not Skype with him at two in the morning. Maybe text a little if I happen to be awake, but no Skype. When I am working I hardly even text him, perhaps just a little in my lunch break. My boss texts her kids all the time but I feel she has a better excuse than me to text. Also she doesn't sit in the reception in full view of everybody like I do.

If she had a busy life before she met you she will have a busy life now, too. Dont take it as she doesn't care for you. Pay attention as to how she usually spends her time, and see how you fit that pattern. Ask her if she can let you know in advance when she can talk, then you can plan your life around those times and be truely present in whatever you are doing instead of making her a priority more than yourself and the other people in your life.

[Zephii]

I think you're making mountains out of molehills, possibly because you haven't fully dealt with the past hurts and let them go. And that's cool. Time will probably sort that shit out for you, because she needs time to show you that you're a priority, that she's not hiding you, etc. Once you get to a point where things have been great and safe and all that for longer than the rough patch was, you'll probably never think of it. So yeah, give her time, give yourself time, and walk away if you're going to say something dumb out of spite.

It's hard trying to match busy schedules, and you've learnt why you just can't assume. Ask her if she has time before you cancel stuff in future. Easy

I do feel you though. I'm the same kind of person as you. When we were LD I'd drop anything to talk. I'd move my sleep patterns, move my meal times, adjust my work and study where I could... and my SO never did (with the exception of losing a lot of sleep). No matter what was going on in my life, he never once cancelled his Saturday gaming session to be with me, or turned down a trip to the cinema because we were already talking. He once even asked me if the time we spent in our separate counties actually counted as relationship time (as in, if we've been together six months but only one month of that was in person, do we say we've been dating six months or just one? I of course was like o.O) My point here is people are just different. Different doesn't mean one of us is doing it wrong. It just is.
Now it's still the same. He's happy to go out after work, see movies, meet up with fandom people, whatever, whereas I really struggle because whilst he would be more than happy to stay home with the kids while I'm out til late, I find it almost impossible to chose time with someone else over time with him. There have been times I've gotten a bit resentful over it and we've had long talks, but at the end of the day, neither of us are doing something wrong. We are just different people. He doesn't love me less than I love him, or any of the other ridiculous things I dream up when I feel insecure.

Anyway I hope there was something useful in that ramble. Have a good one!

[Scouse05]

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

I agree with the previous posters. My SO and I live in almost opposite time zones and it makes speaking to each other quite difficult (but not impossible). There have been times when I've changed things round or got up early with the hope of speaking to her but she's been off doing something else. Then she has become frustrated at times due to similar situations. We didn't tell each other our frustrations and eventually it all comes to a head and we have a little snipe at each other which isn't the greatest way of sorting it. Plus we're both mega frustrated at the whole time zone/LDR thing so that adds to everything.

We use whastapp as much as possible and leave voice messages when it's been a while inbetween hearing each other's voices. We've also got a secret FB page so basically doing as much as we can to keep the lines of communication open. You mention dates so maybe it's about setting aside time to speak that works for you both and sticking to that unless there's an emergency and one has to cancel. We don't have dates but we definitely agree times to talk and don't deviate from them.

All relationships both LD and CD need good communication and a healthy balance of couple time and self time.

Relax a little, get out there and enjoy yourself too.