Desperate for advice

[schneeblylove]

Hello!

I am in a dilemma and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. He lives in the UK and I live in the U.S. He just left from visiting me about 3 weeks ago. He is just beginning university in the UK and will be starting in October. I just graduated from my university and am taking a year off to figure out my plans. We are in different stages in our lives and this is something we understand. I've only seen him twice this year and we had plans for me to fly over to the UK in a month to be with him before school but those plans have fallen through. This means I won't see him until December. The trend of seeing each other every 4 to 5 months has been getting old. I love him and he claims to love me. But with him starting school and me trying to figure out my future, it seems so hard to see each other or plan a future together. We've discussed breaking up before but decided to keep trying. Everything was perfect when he came down last month and the chemistry is still there. But we both agree that we are over the distance. We've decided to take the day to decide whether or not this should end. I truly don't want to end this relationship because I can see myself being with him for the rest of my life, but closing the distance doesn't seem likely for the next 3 to 4 years. So I don't know what to do? Please help with any advice or stories of experience

[lucybelle]

So you're either going to make it another 3-4 years LD or you won't. There's lots of couples on here who have been LD for over four years, some are even "long term" LD (no end in sight) and it works fine for them. At the beginning of my relationship I told my SO I wouldn't wait longer than two years because after that would be too long for me. We closed the distance in under two years.

You need to decide if you can handle another four years or not. Some can, come can't. But this website is proof that LDRs can and do work.

[Sarah96]

My boyfriend and I have an age gap of 8 years, we're technically in different stages of our lives, but emotionally we are on the same stage so it's working for us. We've been together a little over 2 years now and we haven't met yet. We still have 3 years for me to finish my degree, which means we'll be looking at 5 years long distance minimum, unless he decides to move up here, but I don't see that happening. It only works if you make it work. It really doesn't seem like it'll go by quickly, but it will. It's what everyone says but it's true. If you continue taking it one day at a time, you'd be surprised how quickly days go by, even though you don't think you can do it.

If you care that strongly about each other, then I'd say just keep going. Either way, I wish you two the best!

[differentcountries]

Why would you need for him to finish uni to close the distance?Is it because you want him to move?

[Scouse05]

My SO and I will only see each other twice this year with an 8 month gap in between. Totally sucks. We've said we'll get our act together for next year but that'll only mean seeing each other maybe 3 times a year. We're almost the same age (I'm 38 and she's 40 at the end of the year) but at different stages of a military career. I have under 3 years left of a 22 year career whereas she's 5 years into her career and loves what she does. When we met last year we knew we would not be together until 2018 because that's when my service ends. It's a struggle but having met person we both believe we were meant to spend the rest of our lives with 3 years is nothing. We have our eye on the prize and totally believe it is worth a couple of years missing each other as the result will be what we are both looking for.mplus we will use the time in between to truly get to know each other, live our lives apart and have adventures together before getting bogged down in the reality of living together.

Neither of us had been in a LDR and neither of us ever expected it to happen but it did and we made sure that before we agreed to start a relationship, we were in this for the long term and singing off the same song sheet. We talk all the time and are open and honest about how we feel and how difficult we are finding it but reminding each of what we have to look forward to.

You've both got decisions to make...do it or don't, both ways will be difficult. I suppose it's a case of working out which will hurt the most...ending the relationship you currently have and find someone nearby or a LDR for 3-4 years with someone who may be the one you are with for life. Either way is a gamble.

Best of luck.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Long distance is hard. It may be the hardest thing that you ever have to do. There isn't a single person on here that would disagree with that. But the thing is, you don't HAVE to do it. You either want to do it because you are crazy about your SO and there is no way in hell that there is someone else that is better that could come along and you fight for your relationship, or you decide that it isn't worth it and you break up. There are so many people on here that met their soulmates and aren't letting distance come between them. You have an option to do that, if he is indeed your soulmate. If it is the distance alone, you can and will get through it if you want to be together bad enough. In the scheme of things, four years is NOTHING. However, if you have doubts about your relationship in general and if your SO is "the one", then that is something to take in serious consideration. I also am slightly concerned by your "my SO claims to love me". Claims??? As in you don't believe him? Maybe that's your first problem?

On a personal note, my SO and I have been together almost two years. We are actively trying to close the distance, but we are looking at probably another two years. There is no way in hell that I am letting him go. Once you find "the one", you don't let something as silly as two years apart get in the way of 60+ happy years FINALLY together. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that at the end of this long, hard struggle, the love of my life is at the finish line and will wake up next to me every morning and kiss me goodnight every night. That is what makes LD worth it for me. What makes LD worth it for you?

Lastly, is there some other way that you can temporarily close the distance? If he is still in school, he probably has the option to study abroad in the U.S. That would give you two a couple of months together to figure out if this relationship is what you want or not. Likewise, if you're taking a year off (depending upon your situation, I'm assuming from the way you said it, you're considering grad school?) you could see what you could find for jobs or internships in the UK. I don't know how their visas work, but it is an option.