Parental Problem Update

[leonina]

Judsen's dad who had shouted at J a mere three weeks ago "I hate that girl!" (referring to me) has agreed to give me another chance. And while this is a great thing, I don't know how I screwed up the first time.

I know the main things are about me controlling Judsen (because I talk to him on the phone every day), but I think another issue is about my background. He has started calling Judsen spoiled since he began dating me, and since I came from a well-off family I believe this is about me and my habits. I am usually busy traveling every weekend to a different parent's house or back to college for a game. He thinks this is selfish and spoiled behavior. He will never understand that I only got to see my parents twice a year in college after their divorce so I take every chance I get to catch up with them. Plus, in order to avoid people that want me to cheat on J, I stay away from my house and roommates.

I'm worried that when I visit on the 17th that certain actions will ruin my chance with redeeming myself. I bought comedian tickets for us on Friday, and Judsen finally agreed to take me out dancing (something he hates doing) after promising to go back in April. Plus, I invited his younger brother over to play Mario Party with my sister, J, and I one night. I was going to buy us all pizza and then we could play in the pool after.

I am overanalyzing everything, but these are typical things that I normally do with J when we visit. The comedy club will just be another example of how spoiled I am (tickets were $15 each). Judsen taking me out dancing will show how controlling I am because he doesn't like it (we've never been dancing before), and we normally hang out with his little brother when I'm around so I'm not sure how the dad will take it.

These behaviors that the dad hated me for before are going to be repeated! I didn't see anything wrong with them before but now everything I do seems like it is being judged.

Any advice?

[Silviar]

You can't control his jealousy over your money situation. How you choose to spend your money and live your life is your business. Frankly, calling you spoiled is petty and immature. I can't really give any advice except hold your head high, and maybe just make sure you don't mention things you buy in front of him - leave money completely out of this.

[leonina]

Thanks Silviar- as people say assume just makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Unfortunately, I've also never commented on my purchases aside from saying, "Oh we're going to this football game, or this comedy show, be back later." He only knows my family is well-off because he has worked at construction sites in my neighborhood, but does not realize I am not on my parents' payroll and have to support myself with my own meager income.

[Silviar]

It's unfortunate, but sometimes people can't get past their own insecurities and project it on people. I hope J realizes that his dad's problem is his own problem. Your decisions to go and spend your income how you want is your choice. I don't even know if explaining your on your own income will help, but I suspect no matter what you say he'll assume you have 'those high falutin' expectations' as someone who comes from a well-off family.

[maielle]

Sounds to me that J's father might be a bit jealous. Maybe he never had the chance to live the kind of life you live now. It's also very immature behavior of him. It shouldn't be his problem how you spend your money and besides, it's not like you're buying 2000 grand purses or something ridiculous.

I think the things you do are the things a couple should be doing. And this dancing thing sounds like a compromise J has made and what people who are in a relationship must make. I mean, this all sounds very innocent to me in case you also make compromises. Which I believe you do.

You should talk to J and together decide whether something is not ok or is ok. Do you think you both have made compromises? Do you think you two can agree to ignore his father who seems to judge people based on his narrow-minded prejudices? Based on what you said I think his father is not even trying to think what's best for his son. He might feel like he is somehow below you and feels like you're attacking him. It's at least good he gave himself a second chance to form an opinion of you.

Maybe you could try to talk to the father in a calm, adult way and just ask what is the reason why he doesn't like you? Without shouting, without blaming just ask, is there something you have done that he doesn't like. If he tries to provoke you by shouting or whatever just stay calm and say that you would like to not make such a mistake again (whatever it is) but you can't do this unless you know what the mistake was. Or maybe J can ask his father. What do you think?

[paulawriteslove]

His dad could just be extremely protective of his son and isn't use to having a girl also be protective of him. He could just be jealous of you and Judsen's relationship. I think you just need to be your self and not over analyze. Don't let his dad make you worry or anything, just hold your head up and have a great time with your boyfriend!

[LadyMarchHare]

I'd take it as a minor relief that his beef with you is financial mostly and not you as a person. Yes you mentioned he thinks you're controlling for talking to him a whole lot but that's unfounded as control means J wouldn't WANT to be talking to you, but has to.

I had a friend whose mother always ragged on me when I bought concert tickets, movie tickets, expensive gifts for this friend and called me names for it but in the end it's just them trying to find a reason to dislike you and having to settle for the lowest thing on the list that's logical. It's good you can pay your way, do things with J because you can afford $15 tickets or whatever, because it doesn't matter who pays or how much you're paying. In the end it's about how much you enjoy yourself and that may be another factor, his son's enjoying himself with a girl who won't play the waif and need to have HIM pay.

Lame way to say this, but: haters gonna hate. His dad's just an accessory in this relationship, not the full ensemble.

[leonina]

His dad's just an accessory in this relationship, not the full ensemble.

Haha! As always, I love and appreciate your advice!