A question of interest

[Lonelywolf324]

So my boyfriend moved to Michigan and said that he wouldn't try to date anyone else or be with anybody else as long as I promise not to and of course because I love him I told him no I would not so the other day a friend of mine came over and me and my boyfriend both agree that my friend is very cute but I never even thought of my friend that went well I told my boyfriend that he stopped by and my boyfriend got mad well today he said that he was really stressed out and he wanted to start sleeping with other girls but that he would still be my boyfriend and still love me and he was asking if I was OK with that and of course I told him no but he said he was really thinking about doing it anyway and I just need advice on how to get through this if I should break up with him or should actually talk to him about this and I mean obviously I should talk to him but I don't know if he's gonna listen so I need somebody's advice

[sasad]

First, it's almost impossible to read what you wrote. A little punctuation would go a long way.
I am not sure who was mad first or why, but seriously, he wants to sleep around and you think that is ok? Anytime he gets mad or you all disagree is that going to be his answer?
Dump him. This is not love, respect or healthy communication. That is manipulation.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Relationships that last are based on trust and respect. It doesn't sound like you two have either one of those. It is a sign of both insecurity and immaturity that he is jealous of a friend of yours and is threatening sleeping around because he's assuming that you are sleeping with your friend. Assuming that did not happen, you're left with the fact that he is jumping to conclusions and not trusting you to have guy friends. Personally, I would never, ever put up with my SO telling me that I couldn't be friends with someone because they were attractive. If your SO is 17 as well, you have to understand where some of the immaturity and lack of trust comes from. That is not to say that teenagers can't be mature and trusting and yaddy yada ya, but it is to say that you're SO very possibly is not at the stage of his life where he can handle having a mature, healthy relationship, let alone a LDR where 99% of it is based off of trust and commitment.

[Lonelywolf324]

So you're saying that it might be best to break things off and find someone new?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I'm saying that no one can make that choice for you, but that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. If you feel like you can't get the trust and respect from him that you deserve, then many of us would suggest that there may be someone else out there better suited for you. Also, on that note, you are so young still! (I know, I know, I'm only a couple of years older, but believe me, I'm pretty sure I learned more from 16-20 than I did at any other point in my life...so far!) The point is that the likelihood of this guy being "the one" is so slim (not impossible, but slim). If he isn't treating you right (which in this case, he definitely didn't) then there are a hundred more guys out there who are willing to treat you right. Don't hang on to someone who isn't worth your time! But to be a devils advocate, maybe he just needs a good kick in the rear and to be taught that it isn't okay to not trust and respect you and that he has no right to sleep around on you and that you sure as hell don't deserve to be accused of sleeping around on him.

[Lonelywolf324]

I'm definitely going to talk to him about it tomorrow. Thank you for your advice

[douglas2275]

Being a guy, I understand sexual desires, lust, wanting to have sex in general. It's quite natural, many studies have shown that males think about sex every couple of minutes. What we do with all of these thoughts are a very different matter.

Am I surprised that he wants sex? No.

I see a few potentials with what he said.

He could feel guilty about his feelings and wants to get them off his chest.

It could be that he wants to be with you and is trying to use insecurities and jealousy to do that.

Or, more than likely, he wants you to break of the relationship so he can be with someone who is closer and be with him in person. He's probably scared to end the relationship, he doubtless has feelings for you.

[lyonsgirl]

Being a guy, I understand sexual desires, lust, wanting to have sex in general. It's quite natural, many studies have shown that males think about sex every couple of minutes. What we do with all of these thoughts are a very different matter.

Am I surprised that he wants sex? No.

I see a few potentials with what he said.

He could feel guilty about his feelings and wants to get them off his chest.

It could be that he wants to be with you and is trying to use insecurities and jealousy to do that.

Or, more than likely, he wants you to break of the relationship so he can be with someone who is closer and be with him in person. He's probably scared to end the relationship, he doubtless has feelings for you.

I am not a male, and I think about sex probably as much as any guy would, so....

My point here is: just because he's a guy doesn't mean he gets a free pass when it comes to sex. Yes, I have been physically attracted to men who are not my SO. But it is my choice, and every one's choice, whether or not they will act upon their attractions. Just because someone reveals that they have been "checking out others", so to speak, does not necessarily mean they want to break up. I know plenty of people who are in a committed relationship but admit, to their partners and occasionally to others, that they find someone attractive.

[differentcountries]

Saying he is a guy is a cheap excuse. More to the point here is that he can't deal with the distance. He gets jealous easily and he thinks we would feel better if he could have sex with others to release the sexual tention and to get even in case she fucks/flirts with somebody, too.

The problem, of course, is that open relationships are not a fixer to jealousy. He is upset just because she has male friends. How is he going to react if she takes his word for it and goes out to sleep with someone else, too (yes I am aware she doesn't want to but still)? Not to mention that obviously you have not discussed safe sex practices.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario.

[Miasmata]

Being a guy, I understand sexual desires, lust, wanting to have sex in general. It's quite natural, many studies have shown that males think about sex every couple of minutes.

Sorry, but that study is a common myth! Here's one counter-study, but there are more. In the end, so called "biotruths" are often just cliches that don't determine as much of who we are as some people say. Some people, regardless of gender, think of sex more than other people (also regardless of gender). Everyone is different, and everyone is accountable for their actions. Sexual desires and needs have to be discussed in the relationship, because the people in it are individuals and so are their sexual wishes!

[whatruckus]

I think these new BC pills killed my sex drive, but man. I used to think about sex constantly. Porn was my best friend. As for my SO, he used to be like that, but his drive decreased drastically since he started his new career. Boo.

As for OP and her SO, what? I'm sorry, why are you still with him again? Disrespect is okay with you?

"Oh, you wouldn't be okay with me banging other girls?? Oh well, I'm going to do it anyway because I'm mad at you for your friend coming over, even though you didn't do anything wrong. I don't care if you're not okay with it, it's what I want to do. I want to fuck other girls." - Your SO.

I put it in better words.

[Harlequin]

Everyone is far too young to have to deal with this nonsense, but at 17, you're WAY too young to have to put up with this nonsense. He's absolutely not worth it. Dating in your teenage years is always really awkward, so if you can avoid having to worry about your boyfriend cheating on you, then do it. It's one thing to acknowledge the desire for sex is there, but it's a completely different thing to acknowledge the desire is there, and you're going to act on it whether your partner likes it or not.

You don't want to be with someone who reacts like this to you having male friends (assuming this was a direct response to it, and not just something he's bringing up right now). Not even counting immaturity, it's a big sign of insecurity and possibly very controlling behavior. If he's not ready to handle the distance, then he's not ready and that isn't something you can necessarily fault him for. Long distance relationships are hard, and when you're still figuring out how dating and all that works, it's going to be even harder. However, if you choose to stay and he starts to use that line every time you do something he does like, such as invite that one friend over, then that's when it goes from being "I'm a teenager and I just can't do long distance" to "I'm a teenager with control issues".

Something to ask yourself is whether you think you could stay with him knowing he has these feelings and has expressed that he'll probably act on them regardless of how you feel? Assume he later tells you that he wouldn't actually do it because he loves you. Would you believe him? He did make it a point to say that he'd sleep with other girls, but still be your boyfriend and still love you. So, would you really trust that he isn't going to sleep around like he wants to? Do you think he'd actually tell you if he did? Furthermore, would you really be okay with him dictating who you could hang out with just because they're "too cute"? Do you really think you could be with someone who might pull out this card every time something happens that he doesn't like?

Think a bit on those questions, and then explain to yourself why, but don't make excuses for it. EX: "I would trust him because I love him" isn't as solid a reason as it sounds.