Comparing the past/present

[mynameiseric]

if any of you have read my past post, Amanda has a best friend whom is a guy and they have a sexual past and blah blah blah. I find myself constantly comparing our relationship to their relationship.

For example, this morning they were hanging out and they had breakfast together, I was jealous/upset because thats something that we as a couple share, which makes me think, well is it not as important with me because you two share it all the time?

Another example is that they have done stuff in her bed, which is her past and thats perfectly fine, we all have one. But sometimes I feel uncomfortable because thats where WE now do stuff, and thats where we cuddle/sleep at night. Its just uncomfortable knowing that he was in her bed for some of the same reasons that I am, and I have to deal with it everyday because they hangout almost as much.

However, she also compares. I dated my ex for almost 3 years, which is a significant amount of time. Before Amanda and I dated, I told her that I bought my ex a promise ring, and told her how I asked her to be my girlfriend (at the time I didnt plan on dating amanda so I didnt think it would make a difference). Amanda and I have now talked about me buying her a promise ring, but she is constantly reminded that I did that for my ex. And I asked out my ex a little more elaborately then Amanda, which I can see why it bothers her, but my point is that were still together regardless of how I asked you out, so why does it matter? Amanda means wayyyyy more to me then my ex ever did.

Her and I find ourselves comparing a lot in our relationship, and its not good for either of us. So I dont know if theres a way not to compare or an easier/better way to handle it, without just NOT doing it...any help? Or do any of you compare your present SO to your ex, and how do you handle it?

[LadyMarchHare]

I think you need to read your post there. You mention being out of sorts about her and an ex doing something you two do and her not believing it a big deal, then you mention the promise rings and how SHE'S out of sorts and you say it doesn't matter because she means more than the ex did. It's a nasty word to use but that's called hypocrisy because you aren't viewing it from both sides like that. With those problems you know how YOU feel, but you need to think "well how would I feel if the situation were switched?" because you may see what I just pointed out.

If you two are constantly comparing, there might be something wrong in the relationship. You're obviously not content with this guy and it dredges up HER past for you, I don't know what you may do that does the same for her besides this ring incident. Neither of you seem to be letting go, you have to remember what happened BEFORE this relationship is null and void. It does. Not. Matter. She could have had a million partners before you, not gonna matter. Why? She's with you now. By knowing the past and latching onto a 'well you did this with them' you're letting yourself be bothered. Any therapist will tell you letting go of the past is the first step in moving on/being better/whatever. Ya gotta do it. Even if you have to say every day "I'm not the ex, I'm me, I'm not the past, I'm the present" to yourself every day, it's something.

Me, I don't have any ex's and I don't personally know any of my SO's ex's but I know about them, what some of them did together, etc and really I don't care. You can't count on the person you're dating to be fresh-faced to the world of romance or even just sex so that they don't have a past. Those people were learning experiences, to know what not to look for, what not to do, not what to make every person they date from here on in the same way.

[maielle]

I compare my relationships quite a lot in my head. And also with some of my female friends (but not detailed or anything.. just the way girlfriends talk). But I really try to avoid comparing it out loud to my SO.

There was a lot of things I did wrong with my ex. And I want to learn how to prevent those mistakes now. I want to learn to improve my behavior and I have learned to discuss more. I think that's kind of healthy comparing. I for example wanted to change my ex. I wanted him to read more and be more self confident and so on. And that doesn't work. So now I decided that I will have to accept my SO as the person he is. I must not even want to change some little thing. And to be honest, I don't even have to. Even if he doesn't read much it doesn't matter. He is already self confident and independent and I also like his clothes a lot even if they are not exactly like what my dream man with a white horse would wear.

I also of course compare them as persons but that's something one should avoid because, as I kind of said, they are two different persons. But there are huge differences in the way they behave in different circumstances. I guess I'm just lucky my SO has many better qualities than my ex, if I can say so. I guess it's a bit mean for my ex... But these are the things I try to avoid telling my SO because it would be awkward to say something like "I think you are way more polite than my ex".

But comparing really a lot isn't too healthy. It kind of tells that you're not so confident. You worry a bit too much. I think one of the things you two could try to build more is trust. Trust that it's you two who are in the relationship and not you two and your ex boy/girlfriends. Now comes my favorite advice: maybe you could discuss about it and decide to have some rules about comparing? You should agree that it just causes jealousy and then you can work from that to build a stronger relationship. I wish you all the best!

[leonina]

Comparing relationships can sometimes be good and bad as maielle said. In one case, my S.O. is so much better as a boyfriend compared to my other past relationships and so I can appreciate him more for that. But in other cases he's not as sensitive as others were and we don't have as much in common.

I like maielle's idea of talking about comparison limitations. Just be careful not to say hurtful things aloud, and don't feel that you have to go overboard with certain gestures (like a promise ring) for fear of bad comparisons. It will just plague your relationship.

[Tabitha]

We don't really compare past relationships. We both know that we had a past before each other. However, it's just that. The past. We are each others present and future, we we're both in the best relationship that we've ever had, so the past doesn't matter.

[squiddie]

You have to remember that your past is in your past, and the same for Amanda. Nothing you did in the past should have bearing on the present; this is a new person and a new relationship.

I don't ask much about my boyfriend's ex, because it was over at least 5 years before we started dating. For the love of all that is good in the world, I don't know what I'd do if BF compared himself to my past. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by three different men before I even had a real, official boyfriend. The first boyfriend was clingy and much too needy for me to deal with while I was still recovering from abuse. The second boyfriend put me into another spiral of emotional abuse by being forced to hide any emotion or feelings for him because he wouldn't tolerate it.

These men are all in the past. BF knows what I've gone through, and he knows it makes me who I am. However, none of them have any bearing on him, and it should be the same way with you and Amanda. Yes, she has a friend with whom she had a past. Yes, you had a girlfriend you were very serious about. However, neither of your pasts had to do with each other. If something you did with the past person is something you want to do again, then go ahead and do it again. It's different every time and it'll mean something different every time.

You have to keep your past where it is, in the past. It's hard to do, believe me, I know. But nothing is going to change it; just accept that it's led you to where you are now and it's time to move forward with the woman in your life who you love now and hopefully forever.

[Caitlin2009]

Well i try not to let my past relationship interfere with what i have now, Denise tries to let her's do the same. My ex was very emotionaly abusive and cheated on me, from time to time i will think about what if Denise does that to me but it only lasts for a second because i mentally kick myself because i know she would never do that to me, and she had her share of relationships including abusive ones and ive told her i would never do the things they did to her, i'd soon slit my wrists before i ever raised a hand to hurt her and she knows i would never do that but sometimes she still thinks about it, and like i said she has had her share of relationships a few that sexually satisfied her but that was then this is now i know all those people are out of her life and to quote her "yeah ok they were pretty good in bed, but nothing compares to when you make love to me, i always feel good and loved when you do." the past is the past, and thats where it should stay

[Silviar]

There are many relationship articles which discuss not comparing past and present relationships with one another. I would advise you to make yourself stop. You have to teach yourself to stop by mentally saying no, giving yourself something different to think about, and so on. Focusing on comparison is unhealthy, unrealistic, and only leads to a sense of competitiveness against something neither can actually compete on.

I don't ever compare my past and current relationships. There's no point - not only are they totally different people, but I'm a different person as well. Added to that, it's a fruitless exercise that, to me, gains no strength and wastes my time and probably will result in negative emotions.

[Zephii]

I find that as the relationship grows older the compraisions fizzle out slowly. These days I can't even remember most of the good things from my first relationship - only the bad things and how Obi was there for me.

Obi had more partners before me than I'd have liked, and I know about most of them, sometimes intimate details, because we were friends and we shared everything. Sometimes I feel like I have to compete with the people who have gone before. Sometimes I'll do something and he'll compliment me like "You do <insert action> the best," and it reminds me how much he has to compare me to... on one hand, it's a faverable comparison, he's never made a comparison that went against me, and that can be flattering but on the other it just makes me sad and uncomfortable.
Sometimes that can be useful, if I'm wonering if something is "normal" or not he can say "I think it is <this random chick> had the same thing".
I might not be the first person he's done stuff with in his bed, but I know I'm the first person he's not ashamed to have done stuff with in that bed.
It reminds me that our values on some things are quite different.

But, to off-set that I am Obi's first real relationship. The only person he's tried to actually share his life with. He's loved me for years, tried to replace me, and failed. He's looked around at what else the world offers and come back to me. That's important. Yes, Amanda was with this other guy - but she's with you now. Sometimes people are great as friends, but you just can't spend the rest of your life with them. That thing that takes them from being a friend to being something more has to be there, or it just doesn't work.

With the bed thing perhaps down the line you can go shopping for one together? That might be nice.

If you want to talk about this more sometime, PM me? It's an issue I really need to get past too, maybe talking it out might help. I'm not comfortable sharing the nitty gritty stuff on the open boards.