How do you feel around his/her friends?

[PrincessJOE]

Hello everyone! I just came back today from my last visit to my SO and I really couldn't wait to write here about something, both to put down to words some feelings and to hear what's your experience with this.

So, as the title says, it's about your SO's friends, and in particular how you feel around them.
As regards me, I've been with my SO for 2 years, it wasn't the first time I was where he lives and I already met his closest friends during the previous visits there. Still, something kind of got me "surprised". I'll try to explain better.
The previous times, it was us and 3-4 friends at most. Very very close friends he usually hangs out with. Despite me being very shy, it went great, I managed to feel at ease even if sometimes it was a bit difficult for me cos of the language. But as I said, I loved it: I loved meeting them cos I know how important they are to him and they made me feel like "part of the gang" cos my SO already told them a lot about me.
This time though, we spent a couple of days in another place, where we met a bigger group of his friends (no one i had already met, cos they don't meet as often anymore: they used to be in school together, but they all took different ways). And I don't know if it was the different setting, knowing less about them or what, but I felt a bit out of place. They knew about me of course, but it wasn't the same, if it makes sense. I struggled to feel involved (my shyness surely didn't help) cos I saw them as a big group having a catch up, remembering the old days and so on and obviously i didn't have memories to share with them.
My SO tried his best to stay with me, but with a HUGE party going on with people he hadn't seen in ages, it did happen every now and then that he left me with the girls to do something with the boys. And I don't blame him at all for this, I wouldnt have wanted him to be stuck by my side and not enjoying it. But I didn't feel at ease and I was wondering if it has ever happened to you and how did you deal with it.

When we came back after those couple of days we talked about it, and he said knowing how shy I am, I did great. He said he was proud of how i dealt with it and that it means a lot to him that i went there with him. This support from him made a huge difference to me of course. But i still wonder if it's "normal" or not.

Well, sorry for the long post! If you feel like it, I'd love to hear your voice on this

[differentcountries]

Sure. I feel left out all the time because we often hang out with his friends who are mostly people he works with or used to work with, anyway most of them work in the service industry where he is. I am not fast, clever and witty like them. I am also not a man, and not Turkish.

I know the language issues makes me come out as more shy so I try to work on learning more. Of course it can be as uncomfortable to practice, but also useful. Also, I use body humour and stuff like that. I really have to prove I am one og the guys, while at the same time accept that I am the "sister in law" and forever his sort of trophy. There is one if his friends I really connect with but she is not always there. I really should try to scedule a meet up with her/her and us. Most of his friends are nice but it is sometimes hard to follow in Turkish and I of course don't know them as he does. Sometimes they tell me stories about him I did not know about, which is interesting.

I guess it is a bit different for me though, because SO like many Turks like to socialize with a lot of people at the same time. On my first visit I had to wait hours to get alone time with him. I was met with a room full of about 20 people, of who most spoke little or no English, and they were curious in ways that is very rude in my culture. So I always have had that with him. Actually, I am the one who has taught him the joys of meeting up with just a few people. He is realizing now that although he is very good at entertaining/taking care of lots of people at the same time (he is a waiter after all), he enjoys small parties more. He likes in depth and raw convo. He has that with me and some of my friends. We are also getting there with some of his friends.

[Gilven]

Hey there! You know, i had exactly the same experience. With the closest buddies it was great and fun, I am not shy at all so i managed to make guys laugh and even with the language was quiet a great evening i really enjoyed. And then one evening one friend invited us to come over for some beers, and nor me nor my guy knew that are going to be so so many people there. And finally there were 20 people and not even Tom knew all of them, so everyone was talking and no one tried to make an effort to include me in the discussion, so I finished sitting there with my beer and chewing peanuts feeling (even when normally its absolutely uncommon for me) pretty lost. Because Tom was talking to few guys I of course put a smile and endured. But then they started to play a game with words and cards and for language reasons and because i didn't wanted to be the "stupid one" i refused and went to balcony alone. But there my guy realized that I was bored and came with me and was really sorry that I passed a boring evening and asked me to go home.

So you know I think that it is something really common, don't worry about it! You would pass the same when u met a guy next door, there are always different situations, the important is the communication, to tell that you are bored or feeling bad. And also (not less important) sometimes to put a smile and manage the evening when your guy is having fun. Thats love

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hello! I think for me it makes a big difference the effort that other people give in trying to include me. I had a great time with a big group of my SO's friends because they tried really hard to speak in English for me, ask me a ton of questions, and include me on all the conversations even if that meant having to give me a little back history before it made sense. I also had the worst night ever with another group because I didn't understand anything that was going on and felt so alone. Hang in there and just realize that it is totally normal and that it won't happen with every group.

[rachel0106]

Sounds quite normal to me It can be very difficult at first, especially if your partner has longtime friends with whom they've shared a lot of experiences, or work friends where they spend a lot of time together and you may not understand the technicalities of their job. It helps a lot to actively make the effort to ask their friends questions about themselves so you get to know them, & it makes you seem more friendly and interested. And if they're good friends, you'll probably spend a lot of time together so it helps to get to know them.

My guyfriend's friends are mostly work friends and they work doing technical computer things so their work talk is like another language to me, but we still have fun hanging out all together. We mostly talk about games and TV shows that we all like, they're really nice people though we're all a bit shy!

[Miasmata]

My SO and me share a lot of friends. He has some friends back in the US he stays in touch with, and I have some online friends he's not close with, but overall we share our social circles. We don't force ourselves to do everything together, but often it works out that way, especially when we do something with our friends. It helps a lot that most of our friends speak English, so there are few language issues, and my SO is steadily improving his German. I don't need to be close with all of his friends and vice versa, but when it works out, it works out. We make the effort to include each other and the people we like in our activities when it fits.

[PrincessJOE]

Thanks everybody, I do feel a bit more "normal" now ahah The thing is he is very easy going and talks to anyone easily so even if he has way bigger languages barriers when he comes to me, he still doesnt seem to mind it. So if on a side it motivates me to try to leave shyness on a side, on the other one it makes me wonder if i'm wrong or something.

Gilven: what you wrote sounds veeeery similar to what happened to me ahah. As you said, I tried to put a smile on. As long as we were all together, I managed to keep the effort, but as it was me and him alone I couldnt hide it from him, i got spotted immediately lol. which is good on a side, cos i dont want to hide it from him. but at the same time i dont want him to worry about something like this.

Luckily, with the ones he is very close with and hangs out with regularly, it has always been a lot better

[Dwessie]

Tam and I share friends now. Most of our friends even know each other now from us having gigantic group calls with them while playing games! It's great, really. I love having this big, intermingled cloud of friends.

[ronjaandbirk]

It's really normal. Its really normal, especially in a "catching up" environment where they naturally only talk about things they have experienced together.