Always Taking Things My SO Says Too Personally?

[Secrecy]

I need advice from people who suffer with anxiety and depression, especially in regards to their significant other and taking things they say the wrong way.

So my boyfriend and I had broken up back in, I think, April sometime. After talking, we decided to see how things went on my visit up there (I had a place and flight already booked for June before the split, and I would have lost a lot of money if I decided not to go up), to see if we could reconnect. Needless to say, it went well, and we are back together, and now that we are, I want to do everything in my power not to f**k this up, like I had in the past. I am presently having a very hard time at home, as I fell and broke my elbow - this has put a huge financial burden on me as I am not able to work until the beginning of September. This came during a time I am trying to move, wanting to start saving for my next trip in December, and trying to pay my last month's rent at my current place, get money pulled together for the textbooks I need for school, as well as the fee for the class I'm taking, etc. In other words, I have next to no money coming in when I have a larger than usual sum of cash I need to pay.

Usually when I go to see my boyfriend, we don't stay actually where he lives (just outside of Toronto by about an hour), but instead in the city itself. He's not much too fond of where he lives and it's sort of like a mini vacation for him as well. However, there's some changes going on where he works at the moment, and he's not sure how much he will or will not be working during Christmas week when I intend to be there - it could be as little as a day or two, or as much as the entire week, he doesn't know, and because of those circumstances, he's not entirely sure if he can ask for the whole week off. (He's presently almost a one-man operation where he works.) Because of this, we don't know whether I should book something in the city an hour away, or closer to where he works in case he DOES have to work a lot that week, so he doesn't have to make that commute, even if it's not quite as "fun"...

Despite knowing this, and knowing rightfully that he doesn't know how things are going to play out, I keep asking him if he knows where I need to stay while I'm there. I don't know what it is... I feel uneasy when I don't know things, and when I can't plan ahead. It's stressful, especially with my financial situation right now, I feel like I need to know RIGHT NOW where I need to be so I can start trying to figure out ways to come up with the money to go up there.

I think he feels like I'm nagging him when I'm not intending to - I'm just trying to make myself feel better I guess and it's almost impulsive, me asking that question. He's been pretty gracious about it, but he got a bit more firm today when I was talking with him on Skype and I brought it up. Paraphrasing, he said in a somewhat exasperated tone that: "I don't know anything, and I don't know when I will know anything. So please just. Stop. Otherwise I'm going to just have to start making up answers."

He didn't really say that in a mean way, but it was definitely firm... And it hurt my feelings a lot, even when I know he wasn't trying to be mean, he was just expressing his frustration. I notice that my feelings get hurt WAY MORE EASILY with him than with anyone else I know, such as relatives and friends. I don't know if it's because of our intimate relationship, but I just feel so much more hurt when he talks that way, even though it's just human. And I take it a lot more personally, and I'm a lot harder on myself when he gets that way, when I don't really get like that with anyone else. If anything, I think I should be happy he's verbally expressing things like being upset to more more than he was before our split (he always bottled, and I think that that was a huge factor in the split.)

Does anyone else experience this kind of anxiety and being just way too thin skinned around their SO's? If you overcame or, or have tips, what are they? I'm tired of not being able to react to him the same way I do everyone else. I'm tired of being an anxious mess. I want to stop.

[snow]

I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would get really upset when he said something remotely firm or angry. It took me years and years of understanding that he is just voicing his opinion, to come to where I am right now, where his words still sting the most, compared to family and friends, since he is the closest to my heart, but at the same time, I am incredibly lucky that I have a man who tells me what's wrong when it's wrong and I don't have to guess around.

What I used to do is write down a "fml" message to make myself see how silly it is of me to be this upset by what he said, as in "Today, my boyfriend told me not to chew so loud because it triggers his misophonia, FML" or something along those lines and even though it stung when he said it because he was aggravated and frustrated already, typing it out made me realize how silly it is to feel so hurt by what he said.

I know how important it can feel to plan ahead, trust me, I don't do "spontaneous", I have plans for everything and backup plans for back up plans, but sometimes it helped me to delegate as in "when you know something, let me know as soon as possible, so we can figure out the next steps", which meant now it wasn't in my hands anymore and I could stop worrying about it.

Not sure if this helps you, but that's how I deal with the issue!

[Secrecy]

I remember in the very beginning of the relationship, I would get really upset when he said something remotely firm or angry. It took me years and years of understanding that he is just voicing his opinion, to come to where I am right now, where his words still sting the most, compared to family and friends, since he is the closest to my heart, but at the same time, I am incredibly lucky that I have a man who tells me what's wrong when it's wrong and I don't have to guess around.

What I used to do is write down a "fml" message to make myself see how silly it is of me to be this upset by what he said, as in "Today, my boyfriend told me not to chew so loud because it triggers his misophonia, FML" or something along those lines and even though it stung when he said it because he was aggravated and frustrated already, typing it out made me realize how silly it is to feel so hurt by what he said.

I know how important it can feel to plan ahead, trust me, I don't do "spontaneous", I have plans for everything and backup plans for back up plans, but sometimes it helped me to delegate as in "when you know something, let me know as soon as possible, so we can figure out the next steps", which meant now it wasn't in my hands anymore and I could stop worrying about it.

Not sure if this helps you, but that's how I deal with the issue!

Thanks Snow, I appreciate it. I think I underestimate the power of writing things down - even though, ironically, I felt better after I wrote the original post down. Despite having counselors and other people tell me keeping a journal or something would help, I guess I've always seen it as frivolous and something only 13 year old girls do, but I might give it a shot. I notice that when something like that happens and I get hurt, it's less of a "you big meanie you were rude to me" kind of hurt and a lot more of a self-centered, "What the heck, why did I end up saying that? Now he's upset and I messed things up and now I'm upset because I messed things up." It's definitely a more "I'm upset at myself" kind of upset. I mean the initial sting may be there because of what he said, but the lingering sting is there because I end up being upset at myself. I don't have this issue with other people because A. I probably value his opinion a lot more than the average person's, and B. whenever someone else does the same thing to me, I'm able to shrug or distance myself from them, which I can't do with him obviously. I just get so darn frustrated with my own self that I have a harder time functioning than the average person that I think it manifests itself as me getting easily upset when I "fail" in my eyes.

[Ejoriah]

I have been doing the same thing too, recently. Everything (or nearly everything) my SO says, I've taken to mean a personal attack on me. If he was complaining about our new apartment, I thought that meant he wasn't happy with moving with me. If he asked me where the TV installation guide was, I would assume he meant it was my job to have read it and have it handy, and the TV not working was my fault sometimes. And every time it wasn't a feeling of "why are you being so mean to me?!" but rather "my god, I keep messing up, there is something wrong with me, why can't I get it right?"

You are under a lot of stress. Breaking a bone in this country isn't cheap, especially when you tack on moving and school on top of it. I think it's the stress talking, to be honest. I know it was with me. I just had some great news today that lessened my stress substantially, and I am better able to understand where he is coming from and that he is voicing his opinions/concerns/feelings instead of just insinuating that I fail at life.

Snow's suggestion of writing it down is a great one.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Based off of your post, it makes me wonder if he isn't really communicating when he's getting annoyed until he's full on done with the situation and wants it to stop now. It could be just what I'm getting from the one situation, but that can make a big difference in how you react too if so. For instance, my SO is terribly relaxed about everything, but when I keep bothering him about the same thing he tends to snap at me. It hurts me terribly because I don't expect it and it seemingly comes out to nowhere. However, if he were to say something maybe the second or third time to lay off of him, then it doesn't hurt as bad because we're both calmer. We're trying to get him to vocalize when he's getting annoyed as "warning signs" that I should start to simmer down. If this sounds like something that is happening (again, not 100% it's the case from the one situation), maybe you could try to get him to give a warning sign that he cannot handle more nagging for the moment and to let it go? For instance, a gesture or a word could alert you to the situation so that you're more aware of what you're saying from that moment on. It has really helped me to understand why my boyfriend snaps at me (hm..I guess the 6th time of asking you if you were sure is too much..whoops!) and to try to avoid those situations all together and actually become less sensitive to him getting upset because he isn't nearly as upset as if I asked four more times.

[differentcountries]

My boyfriend and I are very different. I like to plan ,he is spontanous. I like to raise issues, he says what comes to mind and usually in ways that are either rude or too polite in my culture. Obviously we have some challenges.

What I found that works is that ,instead of me constantly raising issues ,I have a sit down with him (in person or online) and we throw suggestions back and forth. Sometimes we dont reach a conclution right away , but we are both happy to have talked about it. He usually ends the convo by saying either It is a plan, or Lets keep it in our minds (ie talk more later). He likes it so much that he has even started to initiate these kind of talks. I think it works because it is both about plans and spontaniety. And... Whenever I have an issue with him I try to break it down to practical matters .It calm me down to think that it is just about plan making (even when it is not).

[snow]

That's the other thing we, people with anxiety, all do, blame ourselves for mistakes that we could have not made if we had only thought about it a little more, but we did because we're human.

The husband always repeated that it's not helping a situation when I blame myself, I need to be pro-active and try to better myself if I really feel this bad about something that happened only then I can grow from it. So to help me do something about feeling bad, I would make lists of what I could do better next time and if only I did one of these things I would be better than the last time.

I learned with time that mistakes will always happen and you will always feel bad for messing something up, but I try to remember what set my man off and then go from there. If he was upset that I forgot about something, I would make an effort to write important things on post-its and pin them on my wall/computer or take out my calendar asap and write it down there. If he was upset because I was chewing next to him (he has misophonia), I would remember to ask him if it was okay to eat now or if he wants to put music on so he wouldn't hear me or I would remember to leave the room and eat downstairs. It's really not that hard when you try to be objective and work on a solution rather than just destroying the little self-confidence you already have.

[mellif]

I think this is pretty natural; signs of conflict can devestate us when we care about the other person so much. But don't blame it all on yourself; remember why this is bothering you. If you need to know plans ahead of time, let him know a timeframe. "Can you let me know by <this date> when you'll have a place? I don't mean to keep bothering you, but I'm excited, and I like to have things planned. I won't bother you anymore about it if you can get it to me by then." If you present your concerns with plans or solutions, it'll help your anxiety by leaps and bounds-- and it'll also tell your SO how to keep you happy. In the end, that's all partners want for each other.