Anxious Suicidal Newbie

[LDRSufferer]

Hi everyone.
I am totally new to this site! Have no idea how it works here. . .but I hope to get some real good help. . .
I am from India, yeah Asia.
I was in a relation for 5 years(may 2010 until recently), my first and only. . . It was a long distance relation after about a year. My guy is pretty awesome and stuff but lately things have got worse from bad. . I found out bad things in his Facebook account. .. well not that kind of pervert bad. .
He goes around sending texts to random girls from all over the world, calls them things he should be calling me, chats with them until 3 AM when he tells me that he is going to sleep, prefers his girl-best friend over me, and a lot of other things. .. . now he tells me that I am overreacting and that he chatted with all the girls because he was just passing his ideal time. ..Now my head is thinking always about everything that is happening between us, I think about how he could be cheating me as well, if he could go around asking girls if they were available while texting them in facebook... ..
I can't concentrate anywhere, i have sleepless nights, and huge bloodshot eyes every morning with all the nights crying. . And i feel i have got no more of self-respect 'cause when the other day I asked him if he wants to be in a relation with me, he tells me he needs time to think about it. . . How is it that after all this time when he has been playing with my commitment that HE NEEDS TIME. . .I can't figure out anything at all. . I need huge on advice whether I should continue with him and talk about it to him. .
I will really appreciate all kinds of advice. .
I will be really grateful, because if I don't clear my head, I'm going to ruin two lives.

[Miasmata]

Even just from that, it's pretty clear that he doesn't value or respect you, and that you are wasting your time. Especially if you've been together for that long, he has zero excuses to chat around and ignore your needs. Have respect for yourself and your needs, you can't count on others to do that! The choice who you are with is yours, and he clearly doesn't deserve to be chosen by you. Don't make your happiness dependent on anyone, especially not someone like this.

Also, if you truly feel suicidal, PLEASE don't hesitate and use the support chat on this site: https://www.imalive.org/ You deserve to enjoy your life, this guy doesn't deserve any power over you, especially not over your life!! Please take care of yourself!

[LivingInWonderland]

Judging by the things you have said, this man is not being faithful to you. Honestly, I think you deserve so much better. It is clear that you are very much in love with him, and I know what that is like. But if he cannot return the same feelings, and is not willing to be faithful to you... I'm sorry, but you should really end things with this guy. You deserve someone who is going to love you, and find happiness in you. Not other girls. If my boyfriend were doing the things yours is doing.. Staying up late talking to other girls, asking them the things your boyfriend has been... I would suspect him of cheating. As much as I love him, I would cut ties with him. Before he really does cheat. Just to save myself more pain from it.

I'm sorry that this is happening with your boyfriend. I can't imagine what that must be like. But you should really consider ending things with him. If after all the time that the two of you have been together, he is doing this stuff... He doesn't seem to be worth any more of your time. There is a great guy out there for you, somewhere. You can try talking to your boyfriend about it. Let him know that his actions are not okay. See if that helps? But if he can't respect that, and continues to do these things, he doesn't deserve any more of your time.

I also agree with everything Miasmata said.

[differentcountries]

He lies to you and spends lots of time flirting with other women. He is distancing himself from you and plays with fire. Perhaps he is even trying to provoke you to end things with him. He too knows he can't behave as careless as this without a reaction.

Please, I lost my first love too and I had to be the one to finally end things. I know it feels horrible. But to wait around makes you stuck in this place where he is not taking care of you. Let me tell you what I did: After some weeks trying to fix things between us ,I saw how only I was into the relationship and told my ex we were over. I stayed with friends a lot. I studied and worked. I ate lots - it is important to eat when you feel sad,to get energy. I found new hobbies. I met someone else and although it was hard, I slowly opened myself to love again. Let him go and after the pain you will feel life is richer than before.

If you feel yourself really struggle, don't hesitate to get some help during this time. In my country, the emergency hospital has a section called life crisis help. If there is anything like that locally or help through your helps insurance, school or work, or a volulentary mental help organisation that can be of aid to you, please contact them.

[hmrambling]

It would probably be best to talk to a mental health professional about any thoughts you're having of suicide.

It sounds as though his behavior is progressive. What we allow, we condone. If you've tolerated this behavior from him, you've taught him it's okay to treat you this way. You've even left the ball in his court by asking him if he want s a relationship with you.

You have a say in this, you know. You have the choice to walk away and to not tolerate unacceptable behavior. Why leave the decision up to him? If it were me, and I identified unacceptable behavior, I would have to make a choice about whether or not I am willing to stay in the relationship with the unacceptable behavior... especially after I've already taught my partner that I will tolerate the unacceptable behavior.

You have a choice to walk away from the relationship, and still have a full life of your own. I encourage you to contact a mental health professional.

[LDRSufferer]

Thank you Everyone. . .
Umm.. . . But the whole scene is getting tougher by the hour because I can't just erase him out of my memory. . .
When I think of all the amazing unpredictable things he has done for me I can't just let go. . .It feels like I am the wrong one... I know he has never been serious with those flirts, and he loves me too. So am I the one confusing him with my accusations and tantrums?
There was this one night when I was hospitalized, and he stayed up all night by my bed instead of going away. . there are many sorts of such incidents. . .
How can I take a decision like this, considering just the past few months, and forget all about the last 5 years?

[R&R]

Thank you Everyone. . .
Umm.. . . But the whole scene is getting tougher by the hour because I can't just erase him out of my memory. . .
When I think of all the amazing unpredictable things he has done for me I can't just let go. . .It feels like I am the wrong one... I know he has never been serious with those flirts, and he loves me too. So am I the one confusing him with my accusations and tantrums?
There was this one night when I was hospitalized, and he stayed up all night by my bed instead of going away. . there are many sorts of such incidents. . .
How can I take a decision like this, considering just the past few months, and forget all about the last 5 years?

People can do nice things for you. When I broke my arm, my ex took care of me. That included bathing me, washing my hair, doing the housework and laundry, etc. However, this lasted for a short time and before that incident and when I was better, he went back to being the ass that he really is. Everyone has a piece of them where they can be nice, but that doesn't mean they are good for you. Notice I said "ex". I finally broke it off and haven't spoken to him since because it was not a good relationship.

The one man I loved most in my life (other than my SO) I was with for 8 years. He was honestly my first true love and we were 29 when we met. I'd already been married and divorced. This man would do the greatest things for me. We were LDR. He flew me to Hawaii to see him when he was working there. He came and stayed with me for a month while job hunting. He did so many great things for my girls. He also cheated on me.....multiple times. The final straw was when he got someone else pregnant and there was no way to deny the cheating then. He was everything to me but he was also the most toxic relationship I have ever been in.

In the end, he was the one who taught me to not make another person my everything. It made me understand that I had to be a whole person on my own and be fulfilled on my own. I learned to love and value myself first. The younger you can learn this, the better. Once you have that under control, it makes it much easier to cut ties with toxic people and end toxic relationships. And as you can see, I'm now in a very happy, fulfilling relationship but I also have a very full and happy life as an individual.

[krestrada]

In the end, you must love yourself first. A person who really loves you would not put themselves in a position to lose you. As painful as it may be to let someone go it must be done, you obviously deserve so much more! Now....pick yourself up and conquer the day, no cloud is too dark that the sun can't shine through. Positive thoughts fuel a positive life. Best of luck, don't hesitate to PM me

[lykim]

Hi everyone.
I am totally new to this site! Have no idea how it works here. . .but I hope to get some real good help. . .
I am from India, yeah Asia.
I was in a relation for 5 years(may 2010 until recently), my first and only. . . It was a long distance relation after about a year. My guy is pretty awesome and stuff but lately things have got worse from bad. . I found out bad things in his Facebook account. .. well not that kind of pervert bad. .
He goes around sending texts to random girls from all over the world, calls them things he should be calling me, chats with them until 3 AM when he tells me that he is going to sleep, prefers his girl-best friend over me, and a lot of other things. .. . now he tells me that I am overreacting and that he chatted with all the girls because he was just passing his ideal time. ..Now my head is thinking always about everything that is happening between us, I think about how he could be cheating me as well, if he could go around asking girls if they were available while texting them in facebook... ..
I can't concentrate anywhere, i have sleepless nights, and huge bloodshot eyes every morning with all the nights crying. . And i feel i have got no more of self-respect 'cause when the other day I asked him if he wants to be in a relation with me, he tells me he needs time to think about it. . . How is it that after all this time when he has been playing with my commitment that HE NEEDS TIME. . .I can't figure out anything at all. . I need huge on advice whether I should continue with him and talk about it to him. .
I will really appreciate all kinds of advice. .
I will be really grateful, because if I don't clear my head, I'm going to ruin two lives.

Welcome to LFAD,
Time to move on from somebody like this who is clearly having a bad impact on your sleeping patterns and quality of life in general. If you are seriously worried about your health then go see your doctor immediately. If this guy is sending texts to random girls he obviously will continue to do that as 'a leopard never changes his spots', just take a moment in your day and ask yourself : 1. Why do you continue this relationship despite your partner having no respect for you? 2. Why are you tolerating this disgusting behaviour? Finally, I agree with the previous poster, she is right that you need to start being positive, staying busy and focusing on yourself - Do you have many friends? Hobbies? Clubs you can join?
Best, CC.

P.s. You say you were with this guy for around 5 years, thank God you have found a way out before it got even more serious.

[differentcountries]

Thank you Everyone. . .
Umm.. . . But the whole scene is getting tougher by the hour because I can't just erase him out of my memory. . .
When I think of all the amazing unpredictable things he has done for me I can't just let go. . .It feels like I am the wrong one... I know he has never been serious with those flirts, and he loves me too. So am I the one confusing him with my accusations and tantrums?
There was this one night when I was hospitalized, and he stayed up all night by my bed instead of going away. . there are many sorts of such incidents. . .
How can I take a decision like this, considering just the past few months, and forget all about the last 5 years?

Nobody is saying you should forget his good sides. I am sure he has many, why else would you be with him? Still ,how he is today seems very bad. You have to look at how he is today and how you picture your future.

I broke up my first relationship not because my ex was/is a bad person, but because I needed someone who could love me and take care of me. She was that person, then she was not. The whole thing fell apart very quickly, we were even married when suddenly my ex fell out of love with me and showed disregard for our relationship . I just had to get out .I started to show symptoms of anxiety and felt out of place all the time.

I have many memories of my ex being sweet. She is a special person and tought me so much. However, when things went bad, they were still bad. We are friends today ,but there is a reason my ex is single for the tenth year and I have succesful relationships. We lasted 4 years. That was a couple of months too long. Change things if they can be changed, but if all stands still it is the time to leave.

[hmrambling]

When I think about how people idealize those people who treat them poorly, I remind myself that Germany elected Hitler. We make Hitler out to be this hideous tyrant who single-handedly made all of these decisions and no one ever had a say. Certainly people did have a say: they voted Hitler in!

Sometimes it sounds crazy that people choose destruction and chaos, but people do so all of the time.

What we allow, we condone.

If I choose to overlook a person's vices, and remember only their virtues, that is called euphoric recall. Euphoric recall is choosing remembering only the good times, and allows me to idealize the person, and minimize who I am, and how I was treated. That's not healthy for me have euphoric recall.

It's not uncommon that people tolerate unacceptable behavior, then eventually are abused (because the unacceptable behavior is progressive). Then when the person who was abused gets flowers, they soon only remember the flowers, and not the black eye that preceded the flowers.

But your case is different. He's not even apologizing. He defends his actions. And you let him.

What we allow, we condone.

[LDRSufferer]

Welcome to LFAD,
Time to move on from somebody like this who is clearly having a bad impact on your sleeping patterns and quality of life in general. If you are seriously worried about your health then go see your doctor immediately. If this guy is sending texts to random girls he obviously will continue to do that as 'a leopard never changes his spots', just take a moment in your day and ask yourself : 1. Why do you continue this relationship despite your partner having no respect for you? 2. Why are you tolerating this disgusting behaviour? Finally, I agree with the previous poster, she is right that you need to start being positive, staying busy and focusing on yourself - Do you have many friends? Hobbies? Clubs you can join?
Best, CC.

P.s. You say you were with this guy for around 5 years, thank God you have found a way out before it got even more serious.

Hmmmm. . Friends, yeah, but I lost all sense of conversations since I have been going through all this. . And it feels embarrassing to vent out all my tragedy on people. . So I chose to come here and talk about it anonymously. . .Although my best friends have been working a lot on helping me, I feel bad about wasting their important time on me..because we were having our exams. . . I don't know. . . The more I talk about it, the more I feel helpless. . .
But thank you for your time. Everyone thanks a lot. ..

[LDRSufferer]

Nobody is saying you should forget his good sides. I am sure he has many, why else would you be with him? Still ,how he is today seems very bad. You have to look at how he is today and how you picture your future.

I broke up my first relationship not because my ex was/is a bad person, but because I needed someone who could love me and take care of me. She was that person, then she was not. The whole thing fell apart very quickly, we were even married when suddenly my ex fell out of love with me and showed disregard for our relationship . I just had to get out .I started to show symptoms of anxiety and felt out of place all the time.

I have many memories of my ex being sweet. She is a special person and tought me so much. However, when things went bad, they were still bad. We are friends today ,but there is a reason my ex is single for the tenth year and I have succesful relationships. We lasted 4 years. That was a couple of months too long. Change things if they can be changed, but if all stands still it is the time to leave.

I hope I can be strong enough to move on, like you.. . ..

[differentcountries]

I hope I can be strong enough to move on, like you.. . ..

Seriously, in the beginning it was more like a fake it until you make it. I was still in love with my ex. It felt wrong not to be together. At the same time, I could tell she was not into me any more. So being with her felt like I was slowly suffocating. She would notice when I was horny and make fun if me, stuff like that that are just not good behaviour.

After we broke she said she was really surprised that she didn't always get sex when she wanted with her new girlfriends! Haha, you snoose your loose...

[LDRSufferer]

Seriously, in the beginning it was more like a fake it until you make it. I was still in love with my ex. It felt wrong not to be together. At the same time, I could tell she was not into me any more. So being with her felt like I was slowly suffocating. She would notice when I was horny and make fun if me, stuff like that that are just not good behaviour.

After we broke she said she was really surprised that she didn't always get sex when she wanted with her new girlfriends! Haha, you snoose your loose...

But I don't feel like he is not into me anymore, or that he wants to make fun out of me. . He'd never do anything that is aimed at hurting me directly like abusing me or making fun out of me. . Instead, all the time when I'd scream at him, he'd say sorry, and try to explain me whatever misunderstanding we have. You see, he has always been the mature one in our relation, the one who keeps the other warm and complete. And that is why I can't wrap my head around the fact that he can even think about cheating me. . ..