She threatens with me sucidide

[Nic turner]

Just wanted to vent because I can't hold these feelings any longer and I'm losing myself and starting to breakdown.

I had a good friend for a few months and she had a lot of problems in her life. I felt like she is a genuinely nice person and a lot of people took advantage of her. I helped her through most of it and she started depending on me with her problems. We got close and we started a relationship but I didn't feel love for her so I told her we should remain friends. I couldn't handle her when I was in relationship with her.. she was completely obsessed with me. She would test me all the time by making her friends ask me questions, by making fake accounts using different names. She would cry if I mentioned about my female friends. I just couldn't handle her drama anymore..

After I broke it off, we remained friends. She told me things like " You left me, I'm gonna commit suicide". I stopped talking to her but her friends begged me to talk to her again so she wouldn't do anything stupid. I tried to help her and I took the blame. She got diagnosed with cancer and she is refusing to take her treatment or medicine because I'm not her boyfriend and I'm not with her. I am begging her everyday to take her treatment but she refuses. She can get better if she does her treatment but she won't. She won't eat properly. Her family, friends are blaming me for all this and I can't handle the guilt anymore. I actually started crying because of this and I feel anxious all the time. I can't do anything properly anymore and no matter how much I ask her to take care of herself, she won't. She tells me " Why should I get healthy? You are not with me".

I'm afraid if something happens to her, her family and friends will be come to my door or something. I feel like she's sick because of me and the guilt is killing me everyday. If I stop talking to her, I'm afraid she's gonna do something stupid. I feel so emotionally drained and trapped.

[sasad]

Her family is blaming you??? What the hell is that all about?? You don't feel it then don't be pressured into staying..
Oh my gosh... talk about mental abuse.. YOU cannot feel guilty for the way someone else acts. Its not YOUR choice to be this way, it is HERS.

As bad as it sounds, you need to get away from all the sickness and poison they are doing to you.

Please call someone for support to help you get away from this. There are hotlines and web sites in different counties. Please..

[glasshalffull]

I'd remove myself from the situation

Just wanted to vent because I can't hold these feelings any longer and I'm losing myself and starting to breakdown.

I had a good friend for a few months and she had a lot of problems in her life. I felt like she is a genuinely nice person and a lot of people took advantage of her. I helped her through most of it and she started depending on me with her problems. We got close and we started a relationship but I didn't feel love for her so I told her we should remain friends. I couldn't handle her when I was in relationship with her.. she was completely obsessed with me. She would test me all the time by making her friends ask me questions, by making fake accounts using different names. She would cry if I mentioned about my female friends. I just couldn't handle her drama anymore..

After I broke it off, we remained friends. She told me things like " You left me, I'm gonna commit suicide". I stopped talking to her but her friends begged me to talk to her again so she wouldn't do anything stupid. I tried to help her and I took the blame. She got diagnosed with cancer and she is refusing to take her treatment or medicine because I'm not her boyfriend and I'm not with her. I am begging her everyday to take her treatment but she refuses. She can get better if she does her treatment but she won't. She won't eat properly. Her family, friends are blaming me for all this and I can't handle the guilt anymore. I actually started crying because of this and I feel anxious all the time. I can't do anything properly anymore and no matter how much I ask her to take care of herself, she won't. She tells me " Why should I get healthy? You are not with me".

I'm afraid if something happens to her, her family and friends will be come to my door or something. I feel like she's sick because of me and the guilt is killing me everyday. If I stop talking to her, I'm afraid she's gonna do something stupid. I feel so emotionally drained and trapped.

Hey there Nic T,
That sounds like a very emotionally draining situation to be in. I am so very sorry that your friend has been suffering with cancer. It is a very awful disease. I myself have lost many loved ones to cancer. Though her situation is very grave and emotionally triggering, I think that you should have the right to live your life the way you want to. Having the previous history of being overly present (or as you said, obsessed) with the testing and the making fake accounts, she seems to have an ugly trend. Her not eating properly and not taking medicine is making you feel bad. That's not right. Guilt tripping you into being in a relationship is wrong. Case and point. Threatening to commit suicide and not taking her medication is a clear display of that. You were there for her, recognized that you were not happy in a romantic relationship. Yet you were still willing to be their and support her as a friend. That's awesome. When I read your post all I could think was "No one that loved you would force you into a position that devastatingly crucial." I mean that's her life she's gambling with. Here's what I would say to her. None of it is meant to be offensive, intrusive or explosive. I just want to help you.

What I would say to her is "Please stop wasting the opportunity that thousands on thousands of other people wish they had to survive through a devastating disease like (and exactly) cancer because of your one-sided feelings towards me. I don't think you realize how fortunate you are to still have a chance at life. You are only wasting the time and efforts of the physicians working only to help you get back to the best health possible. Putting me in a position of being in a relationship that I would not be happy in at all just to erase the concerns of you taking your medicine is unnecessary and taxing. There are so many other guys out there for you to meet, but you can't do that sitting around avoiding the very thing that will make you better again. Yes we had a relationship in the past. But I wasn't happy. There was this looming cloud of intrusiveness hanging over me all the while. I am still willing to be your friend, but if you are going to force me into a position in which I'm fearing for your life just to get back with me I won't stand for it. This isn't the behavior of someone I would like to date, and considering not being friends with. No one that truly cared for me would put me in this position. You can't manipulate my feelings by holding your life over my head. You killing yourself is not an option. Not when you are so close to being healed. The only person that would be gone is you, and you would never be able to see me again. Not taking your medicine is unacceptable. People are giving up so many things, going into debt just to get a weaker version of what they actually need. Please take a moment and consider how selfish you are being. Consider changing your ways or leave me alone. But I will not be a slave to your relationship fantasy. None of this is coming from someone who hates you, only from someone who cares. If I didn't care I would have stopped talking with you a long time ago. But what you are doing to try and keep me around is not right. You're only pushing me farther and farther away."

Godspeed,
-glasshalffull

[Kapwned]

Fact is you broke up with her. Fact is you are not her boyfriend. Fact is you are not obligated to this girl. Fact is you owe her nothing. Fact is she is manipulating you. Fact is that is an abuse tactic. Fact is she already practiced manipulative and abusive tactics on you before. Fact is they'd probably continue if you keep falling for them.

Something tells me she is BSing you to guilt trip you. Then again I don't know her. But I do know it's easy to lie to people and manipulate them over the internet if they trust you enough. I had a few friends in high school who would do stuff like this to people. One went as far as to tell people her dad died of cancer, she had a heart attack, heart surgery, etc. and used it to gain sympathy from those around her. Fact is none of that was true. I'm not saying it's malicious, it's likely just a desperate person going to extreme measures to guilt trip you. Statistically the more a person dangles suicide in your face, especially as a threat, the less likely they are to do it. They just want a reaction from you. This might come off as cynical but I've just seen so many people take advantage of other people's trust (especially online) and completely lie about themselves and stuff they've gone through for the hopes of winning over love and sympathy.

If you have her personal contact information such as her address and phone number, call a suicide hotline, give them the details, and call it good. You are not a professional, her life is not and should not be in your hands. No physical or mental illness obligates you to another person, especially when they've become abusive.

[lykim]

Hello.
This person is clearly an infectious, manipulative parasite and you need to dispose of her from your life ASAP. She has lied in the past so the cancer is probably just another one of her stunts to keep you in her life, to give you an excuse to stay. She's made fake profiles, who knows what this girl is capable of. Have you met? How old are you?
Best, CC.

[differentcountries]

It is very possible she is just lying about having cancer. Usually there is not a "medication" for cancer, but other treatments. Regardless: if not only her, but her circle of family and friends are preassuring you to restart the relationship, unless she will kill herself, then take her word for it. Call the police or similar in her area and report a potentional suicide. Then remove yourself from the situation.

[Nic turner]

Many thanks to everyone who replied.

She does have cancer, that part isn't lie. She is 26 and I'm 22. She knows I don't love her and I don't want to be in a relationship and she isn't forcing me to restart the relationship but she has given up on her life because I would never be her boyfriend again. I get messages from her friends saying " She is not doing her treatment because of you! Why are you not taking care of her ". She has abused me mentally a lot in the past and I try not to lose myself but now, its gotten worse.

I just want to get out of this.e

[Alyhere]

You should get out of that situation soon, and you've said that you want to. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation, especially with her friends and family making it worse, but you have to remember you do not owe this woman anything, especially after she's been abusive like you said. Get help from the outside, try to make sure she really is safe, but it is not your responsibility to take care of her.

[Harlequin]

It's very obvious there's something very wrong with her. I know her constantly dangling her suicide in front of you kinda sounds like she won't actually do it, but I feel like she is actually looking for an excuse to do it, but she doesn't want to do it in a way where people will blame her. You happened to break things off with her, which gave her what she feels is the perfect excuse to act how she's acting. She would've found another reason if you hadn't left her, so please don't take her burden on as your own as thought it's actually your fault. It's not.

Her friends and family are panic- and grief-stricken, which is why they're blaming you. It doesn't make it right, but it explains it. They're also in a very difficult spot, and they're also looking for someone to blame. They don't want to blame her since she's sick, and since she's blaming you for her actions, they are also going to blame you. It's easier to blame an outside cause than it is to acknowledge the real problem. I suggest blocking them all, everywhere. Make it so they cannot contact you whatsoever.

The only way you're going to get out of this, really, is to sever all ties completely. That also means not checking up on her to see if she's actually still refusing treatment. Ultimately, this is her choice. If she wants to commit suicide by cancer, then that's her decision to make. She's not going to change her mind if she doesn't want to, and it's extremely fucked up, and very sad that she's in such a bad way to make this decision and be so horribly abusive to you. I agree that you should notify the proper authorities that she's suicidal, but I'm also sure doctors are aware if she's actively refusing to go to her cancer treatments.

At least here, as far as mental health goes, an adult cannot be forced into getting help unless they prove to be an immediate threat to themselves or others. She very obviously is, and I'm sure it's very obvious in person as well. I just don't know how that would mesh with her cancer treatments. Again, get it touch with someone of the right authority if you feel like that is something you want to do and are able to do. Tell them what's going on, and then completely back away unless the authorities need you for whatever reason. Block her friends and family. Stop paying attention to her. It's going to really, really suck, but none of this is your fault and there really isn't a whole lot you can do. At the end of the day, it's her choice.

Please take care of yourself.

[lykim]

Many thanks to everyone who replied.

She does have cancer, that part isn't lie. She is 26 and I'm 22. She knows I don't love her and I don't want to be in a relationship and she isn't forcing me to restart the relationship but she has given up on her life because I would never be her boyfriend again. I get messages from her friends saying " She is not doing her treatment because of you! Why are you not taking care of her ". She has abused me mentally a lot in the past and I try not to lose myself but now, its gotten worse.

I just want to get out of this.e

How do you know she has cancer? Have you seen her since she was diagnosed? Have you seen pictures? Also, how do you know her friends accounts are real. Please just go no contact otherwise you will drive yourselves crazy. She's NOT your responsibility.
Best, CC.

[Kapwned]

I've just seen this tactic used by people way too many times than I'd like. OPs story reminds me of a friend's relationship but in reverse. She threatened suicide because he wouldn't date her, but then he caved and entered a rather abusive and manipulative relationship. I know OP doesn't like the thought of someone's life being in their hands, but trust me, if your commits suicide it will not be because of you. Either she is sick and delusional, at which she should be seeking support elsewhere because someone on the internet can only do so much, or she is indeed using this to guilt trip you. Either way it is okay for you to walk away. Don't let her friends get to you either. Ignore them.

I'd suggest you put stuff to a close in one swift email or letter and block her and her friends. Temporarily change all contact info on sites like Facebook so that only friends may message you. Make your online profiles private. This doesn't mean you have to be mean. If by chance she is crossing that line of suicidal, you have to be clear and concise. She has other obligations she needs to tend to. She has people there who love her and want to support her, and want her to live. But you simply cannot be there for her in the ways she is asking of you. And it is best for the two of you that you move on and focus on what is important.

You'd be surprised how liberating a clean cut off can be for both individuals. Because she clearly has not tried to move on and maybe with you completely out of sight, it'll be easier to get out of her mind.

[BryansGirl]

I have never been in this situation but I agree with what everyone else is saying. I know this may be hard to do but you should change your number, and take yourself out of the situation completely don't let them get to you.. This is not your fault she is unstable and is unhappy. The best you can do is call the police report a possible suicide and then Change your number/Block her on social media and get out of the situation.

[oinkpig329]

I was in a situation where I had a suicidal friend who was very dependent on me. I won't go into details but for 5 years I was constantly worried about her, to the point where it started to effect my mental health and I was burnt out. I went to a counselor and he helped me to see that I was enabling her to stay where she was instead of improving. I had a conversations with her where I explained that I needed to install some boundaries in our relationship, and now we only chat on the phone once every few months. When I had this conversation with her I was terrified she would commit suicide afterwards, but I had to come to realize that even if she did, it wasn't my fault, I could not longer try to control her actions, her choices were her own.

What I'm trying to impress upon you is that I know you are trying to be a good and supportive friend by being there for her. Good for you, you have a great heart and a kind soul. That being said, you are not responsible for her in any way. She is responsible for her own life and her own choices. You might want to think about the idea that as long as you are in the picture, perhaps even slightly, then you might be enabling her to continue this behavior. I could easily be wrong, but I'm throwing it out as a possibility. You could consider cutting yourself out of her life - unfriend, block, whatever you have to do. Worst case scenario is she continues as she is and dies from cancer. Truly awful? yes. Your fault? not even slightly. It is her choice. She needs to seek counseling, and I wonder if you wouldn't benefit from it at the moment. It helps to have someone to talk to in real life who understands the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships and can help you see the best solution and help you deal with the guilt you currently feel. I know counseling can sound really scary, but it shouldn't be. It's very normal, good, and beneficial. Just give it all some thought, I know it can be a tough process. Good luck to you. If you have questions about any of this feel free to let me know!