How to cope with not seeing each other for a long time?

[Snowdrop]

Hi everyone, I think I need help to cope with my LDR, any tips will be much appreciated.

My boyfriend and I met for 2 weeks and separated after that for almost a year, as some of you may know from my earlier post. Due to some complicated situations we cannot visit each other for at least another year. To make things worse he has been very busy with his job which is highly stressful and demands all his attention at the moment. While he still tries to at least text me every other day and talks to me on skype a few times a month, the attention is nothing like when he had not got this new job.

I love him for being hard working and ambitious, he has striven all his life to be where he is now, but I am also struggling with loneliness and lack of physical contact. When he took up the new job I have told him I would support him wholeheartedly. I still do 6 months later but I find myself growing wearier and wearier. I even started to think about finding someone to fill the void. This is alarming to me because I do love him and I know he loves me too. I feel very bad about myself but it is like I am going down a slippery slope. I am afraid of the day when I will not feel my love for him any more I have not talked to him about my feelings yet because there is nothing much he can do about it. His career is very important to him and right now he is already so stressed up.

There are days when I feel ok but sometimes it feels like there is dull ache in my heart. Distracting myself with work and hobbies does not seem to help much. At that time of the month for a girl I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

Have you been separated from your SO for a long time? How do you cope with that? What do you do when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel?

[differentcountries]

I have not experienced to be separated for more than 9-10 weeks, but I struggle with some of the same feelings you have.

My SO had a promotion of sorts at work, with more pay and more responsabilities. He doesn't work more (already had long hours), but he gets very tired and worn. He also misses his old workmates, who mostly work elsewhere. I am lucky to visit often and I can even study at his job, but he doesn't have that much time or energy for me weather we are together or apart. We used to Skype every day, now those days seem far away. He feels very bad about this too. But it is best to change jobs after the season ends, so that is our plan. I know in my mind that the job is wearing him out, still it is hard to not feel less loved when you get less attention. I talk A LOT to him about this .Just because we can't change the situation right now ,does not mean my feelings will go away by themselves. In a way ,I think he finds it quite charming that I long for him so much!

[oinkpig329]

I am also in a similar situation as differentcountries. My SO is military on a base that is very understaffed so he has long hours, additional duties, pt, and on top of that he's moving right now. I get what you mean by a dull ache and not getting the love you need. My experience is that right after I get to see him I am very sad or depressed for a few days or a week as a mourn the loss of his presence, then it fades to the dull ache (that is often not so dull). I feel very needy because I am constantly reaching out to him and he is too busy to respond while at work, and too exhausted in the evening to fully engage with me. I think for me at least I am approaching the situation through the concept of love languages. If you haven't heard of them there are 5: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. They are how you give and receive love, and you need your language to be spoken to you in order to have your needs met. My top 2 are physical touch and words of affirmation. Physical touch is the worst in long distance, but I have found it helps if he expresses with words that he would like to be touching me, not in a sexual way but more around cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc. You mentioned that the lack of physical touch was difficult for you, so maybe this will help. Maybe see if you can figure out your love language(s) (look them up!) and ask him to learn to speak it (my SO is terrible with words of affirmation, so he's learning right now) so that the time you have fills you up and keeps you going until the next time you chat. All the best to you!

[Alyhere]

I think the most time we ever had apart was around 3 months, but I think I can relate to what you are saying.
We'll easily miss each other after a week or two, but after about a month and a half to two month (at least I) really start to crave the love and contact.
Things were easier in the beginning for us too, we'd spend a lot of time playing games together so we virtually spent time together almost daily. But now we're both stopped playing for a while and the contact has been getting less and less, our every other day Skype calls are now weekly at most, and it makes it all the harder to feel close when you're apart.

My best advice to you is to keep reminding yourself the reasons you are doing this in the first place. Think of why you love him, how much you'd love to maybe close the distance some day and then you'll have all the time in the world to be together. Remind yourself that you are strong enough to get through this is you wanted to, and think of it as temporary (at least that's what helped me the most).

I wish you all the best!

[KittyKat]

Me and my Fiancé only see each other once a year - always in December. Because of difficulties with my visa I can't go visit him and since we're both students saving up takes a WHILE to say the least. He's American and doesn't get paid at all and I'm Danish (from Denmark in Europe) and I don't get paid enough to put much aside. Seeing each other once a year is tough, and it's always harder right after he leaves.

Lately he has gotten more busy with longer days at school and when he's doing clinicals so we don't get much time at all. However the way we get through it is by trying to figure out when we DO have time. Is he off durin the weekends? If yes, would he like to spend some time watching movies or (in our case) play some games?

I know very well the aching you speak of, and I too sometimes consider if this will really work or if I should find someone else. But I've noticed that this is a pattern I follow every year: I'm really sad and cry a lot after he leaves, after a while I'm still sad but don't cry so much anymore, later on I still miss him but I'm somewhat ok yet still awfully lonely, after this stage I get rather indifferent or annoyed: I don't need to talk with him all the time and I get scared because I don't feel like I feel as strongly anymore. But then we get closer to him coming over here and I get anxious and excited and I can't wait! Then he gets here and I'm back to being head-over-heels. I've come to understand that it is (at least for me) a survival mechanism. A safe-guard so I'm not heartbroken all the time.

However; me and my SO have also had to come up with things to keep us occupied and other ways to feel like we're at least doing something together: we play co-op video games, sometimes we even drink while we do, we watch videos and let's plays on YouTube where we pause at 2 seconds and then count down from 3 before pressing play - my SO always on skype or on the phone when doing this. Sometimes we even just sit around and do homework while connected and other times we don't talk at all other than when we go to bed. We also read books together, one reading aloud for the other, or we stay connected on skype with the camera on all through the night so it feels like we're sleeping next to each other.

Feeling lonely and 'empty' is natural when you love someone far away, and whenever people ask me how I do it I never really know what to tell them.. Mostly I just say: because there is no other option. Because I love him and I know he's my soulmate.

That doesn't mean it's easy, but at least I can feel when I am finally with him that it's worth it.

I'm sorry this is so hard in you, and I hope you guys can figure out a way to work around it all. I guess the best advice I can give is to be honest with him about how you're feeling, because he can't help change it if he doesn't know.

God bless.

(I apologize for any typos or missing letters. I'm writing this from my phone and it doesn't always register where I poke the screen)