LDR & Cancer

[greenwichguy]

Hello everyone. I need some advice please I am in a LDR & we have been very happy but it all changed I was diagnosed with having Testicle cancer so daverstated my girlfriend took it so bad & she said she would support me all the way. At first she would ring me all the time text me which I found wonderful knowing I've got my girlfriend support, but lately the phone calls & texts are get less & less. I am the one now doing all the phoning & texting what should I do I worried it's all to much for her & she can't cope. Any advice please I be ever so grateful with any advice Thankyou Graham

[Miasmata]

Definitely try to reach out to her, and let her know that it's okay if she needs help with the situation. It's very rough for the both of you, and you should definitely and absolutely have support systems outside of the relationship. Do you have friends/family to confide in? Does she? What about therapists or other professional help?

Being there for each other in such a tough time can be very exhausting, as important as it is. Definitely let her know that it's okay to reach out to others, too. You don't need to suffer alone. I'm rooting hard for your recovery, stay strong!!

[Unconditional]

Has all the talk been about you so far lately?
If so ask her how she is doing. It's hard to deal with such a tragic event that a dear lived one is going into. It is probably just shock. Trust me, it hits you like a rock and tires you out.

[Dwessie]

I can't really say anything new cause Miasmata and Unconditional totally nailed it, I agree you guys should have support systems outside the relationship too, especially her, since she is probably shocked and needs attention during this, as much as you do

[greenwichguy]

Good afternoon hope your having a lovely bank holiday apart from the lousy weather. I would like to say a big thank you for your replies . I've seeked advice from cancer patients & my macmilon nurses in the clinic on how to help my girlfriend because she devastated she as said she's never cryed so much & she's so worried she's going to lose me I am staged 2 which it's mean it's spread. I tend to keep alot to myself to protect her from any more heartache. I always ask everyday if shes ok I've sent my wonderful girlfriend a bunch off 20 red roses & I've booked up a long weekend a trip to Paris on the euro star to say thank you on my next free treatment cycle which next week. What I am so worried about is she's pulled back phones calls almost hourly & texts message to say I love you & I want to be there for you & now its gone down to nothing . I don't want to put pressure on her by ringing & texting her all the time . My question is what should I do I am having chemothearpy now & when I get home I feel so tired thankyou xx

[Unconditional]

Perhaps you need to make time to sit down and have a nice long conversation about this. To ask if she's pulling away because she's scared or if she's pulling away because she's afraid she doesn't understand. There may be an underlying reason she is pulling away.

[Unicorn26]

Hi, maybe I can give you some perspective from your gf's point of view.

Two years ago my SO became seriously ill very quickly. He pretty much disappeared overnight and I had no idea what had happened. I knew something was seriously wrong as it was so out of character for him and I was right. He was on life support fighting for his life. Thankfully he came through it, but during his illness I went right off the rails. I found it incredibly hard that I couldn't go and see him or sit by his hospital bed and just talk to him. I went out all the time, I drank heavily and just basically acted like a stupid idiot. I felt so utterly helpless I really couldn't cope with it. I'm a very caring nurturing type of person and not being able to be there for the most important person in my life was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

During his recovery period I did the most awful thing. I shut down on him. I shut him out emotionally. I told him I couldn't say I love you anymore and I didn't want him to say it to me either. I did still love him, I loved him desperately, so much so that my hair fell out from all the worry of his illness and the thought of losing him. I regret what I did so much and I get really upset whenever I think about it and I will carry the guilt of that forever. I can't really explain why I acted like I did, only that the thought of losing him was absolutely unbearable. I guess I built walls up to protect myself but to this day I beat myself up about what I did.

During his recovery, he said to me that even though I'd said all this, he still loved me and he would do everything he could to bust my walls down again. He said he would wait. And he was true to his word. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me and my goodness I love him so much more because he never gave up on me or us as a couple. A few months later I came to my senses or got my head around what happened. I think my feelings were so strong I couldn't handle not being able to be there for him. It was incredibly hard. I've never felt helplessness like it.

Don't be too hard on her, I understand both sides of this very much. Tell her that her texts raise your spirits when you're going in for treatment and how much you value her support. She is probably feeling completely mixed up right now. I know I did. It really was way too much to handle and I'm pretty strong person but not being able to be there for your loved one is incredibly hard.

Last year the tables were turned somewhat as I had to have major surgery that took a long time for me to recover from. My SO anxiety and depression went through the roof, he was barely able to leave the house. He understood the helpless feeling I had and it brought guys even closer together.

I hope this helps you. I wish you all the best in your treatment. Please stay positive, you can beat this, you really can.

[greenwichguy]

Hi everyone sorry haven't replied I've been having chemothearpy haven't been feeling to good x thankyou all for taking the time to give me good advice x just a update I feel so alone my girlfriend as taken it so hard that she's withdrawing even further, I find it very hard to talk, we talk twice a day for about 20 mins sometime she seems happy to hear from me & other times I can tell by the tone of her voice she want to get the conversations over with which_herts me so much. I love my girlfriend so much but i think the Kindest thing is ask if wants to walk away & let her go I don't want to be a burden to her x any advice in what to do will be much appreciated thankyou xxx

[differentcountries]

Hi, nothing you tell here suggests that she wants out. As you say ,she still talks to you every day. Twice! So, she seems uncomfortable sometimes, is that strange? She may be scared. The distance is still there. The love too, I hope.

Listen to me, İ have been very sick. As in lying in my bed, not working, shitting my pants sick. At times we did not even know what was wrong with me. My husband had to cook for me, clean the house, pay our bills and put up with some pretty unpleasant things. When I got sick, he married me. It was not always easy, especially with money, but we made it. And you want to leave your girl because you are sick? What is the logic in that? In love, you stay through the good and the bad. You give others the gift of allowing them to care for you.

Listen, people doesnt always behave the way we think would be perfect. Half my friends and family, and at times my husband too, acted really weird. People are uncomfortable with sickness. They lack knowledge. They feel helpless. That doesnt mean they dont care. You are not a burden. You are just sick. If you have not read it, I will really advice you to read "The etiquette of illness", it explains things very well.