Listening

[oinkpig329]

Okay. So. I have this struggle with my SO where he listens to me in an incredibly frustrating way. When we are struggling with something or need to chat it turns into me talking about what I think and he's so focused on listening and empathizing that he never says anything. It's not a conversation anymore, it's just me talking and throwing ideas out there and him listening. And I'll ask him his thoughts and he's got nothing. He's trying to validate my feelings by listening and understanding but the silence drives me nuts. We just had a conversation where I poured out a lot of emotions and his response was "thank you for sharing, we'll figure this out" and my thought was "isn't that what we're trying to do now?!" Anyway...it's very frustrating and I've tried to explain this to him but he just says he's focusing on empathizing. He doesn't realizing that how he does so leaves me feeling alone and I don't know how else to explain it to him. Any suggestions or advice?!

Note: he's a very logical guy and emotions are exhausting for him. Which is why he's so focused on the empathizing and can't have a conversation.

[Sarah96]

Some people just communicate differently. My boyfriend had trouble sharing his feelings/emotions in the beginning of our relationship, and still sometimes it's difficult for him. It's just something he has to work on individually. I know you might be frustrated, but you also have to understand him and work with it. Try to stay calm and help him get there.... it might sound weird but maybe you need to tell him what you want/need to hear. Sometimes I have to straight up tell my boyfriend I just need him to reassure me and tell me things will be fine, because otherwise he might not say things like that initially, since he tends to get pretty quiet when we talk about feelings/emotions. He just doesn't communicate those things that well. Not sure if this is much help, but I hope you figure something out, wishing you two the best!

[Dwessie]

My ex was like this, and I got so frustrated and would go on about it, which didn't change it.
Eventually I stopped saying anything because conversations felt fake anyway
That built resentment

Don't do what I did, but you don't have to stick around if communication is exhausting and impossible

[sasad]

It's about 2 way communications... That he is empathizing is a good thing. Assuming he really is listening to you. That may be the way he has "learned" how to listen to people growing up. No when you talk like that, do you always pour your heart out and expect him to respond a certain way? If so, does he really understand what you need or want for a response? Maybe that is the only way he can respond? Is Iran ongoing issue where you do the talking and he waits until you are done? Sounds like he is listening, you just aren't communicating.
That being said, there are a ton of resources on the inet about becoming a better listener and exercises for couples to do together. iif he is actively trying on working with you, like it seems he is, try a couple of the exercises off the web to help you both move to the next level...

[differentcountries]

My guy can't focus on discussing emotions for a long time. In the beginning, not even for a short time! He was very upset with me if I ""made him sad" by bringing up something. But in time, he has learned that it is very useful to sometimes talk about difficult things in a constructive way. He is rather non -confrontational but he is comfortable doing the "game of suggestions". He found a way to end the conversation when he is getting close to overwealmed, by saying let's talk about it some more later. Sometimes he gets very frustrated because he doesn't know how to solve things, I tell him not all things need to be solved right away but I could use a hug.

[Scouse05]

Having spent years trying to help individuals and couples communicate recently I can honestly say I've never heard anyone comment on how annoying it is to be listened to and for their SO to be trying hard to empathise with them. The main complaint is that their SO is not listening and when they do engage in the conversation they overtake or ignore the issue. (Or it turns into a fight to be heard)

Even if your SO has been taught to listen in this way, especially if he doesn't like talking about emotions, maybe start a conversation, when things aren't heated aimed only at addressing your communication as a couple. Use the silence to explain to him what you need from him when it comes to communication and how much it means to you. Appreciate him trying and tell him how it makes you feel without making it a dig at him. Also ask him what he needs when it comes to communication in an attempt to understand why he is doing what he is. It might also be worth asking him what he has heard and understood by what you've said - this'll let you know if he is indeed listening.

Best of luck.