How to deal with boyfriend being very close friends with his ex girlfriend?

[crazycats]

My boyfriend is close friends with his ex girlfriend. At first it did not bother me, but they are very close I believe because they were friends before they went out. As soon as he returned home he visited her at her apartment and had takeoit food and attempted.to watch TV with her he said, but they ended up just talking for hours.... I did not like that he was hanging out with her, alone! I did not tell him this because I did not want to be one of those nagging girlfriends and to appear u trusting because I do trust him. I just am very uncomfortable with his friendship with her. Another reason why I do not say anything is they have the same friend groups so its unavoidable they meet each other. They are going to hang out again within the week at her apartment but one other friend will be there as well... How do you guys deal with the insecurity and discomfort? I haven't told any of my friends of my worries b/c they do not know him like I do. I'm not jealous of her. It just makes me uncomfortable. So how to deal with that? Should I tell him how I feel? I don't want to tell him not to see b/c I don't think that is right of me. Also note, I am not friends with my exes. B/c for me there was no need and I didn't want to see their life moving on and I wanted to move on so maybe b/c of this I do not understand why he is friends with his ex.

[Redheart14]

The way you're going about it now is good. If you start giving him an ultimatum it might not end the way you hope. Have they been friends for a long time before they started dating?

[snow_girl]

I had the same situation as you. They don't see each other much anymore but it did make me uncomfortable for whatever reason even though i knew there was nothing there and whatnot. I told him once after he brought up going to see her that i didn't want to come off jealous or controlling but because i couldn't fathom being friends with an ex, that out made me feel a bit uncomfortable. He was really understanding and reassured me and has been really open about seeing her since. Granted its only been twice since that talk

[Unicorn26]

I would not be comfortable with this. My SO would not be comfortable with it either if the shoe was on the other foot.

Explain to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable, ask him how he would feel if you were spending time alone with your ex in his apartment, would he feel comfortable with that?

I have ex's that I'm still friends with. I do not spend time alone with them though. I know it would upset my SO if I did that and would never purposely do something that would upset him, hurt him of make him feel uncomfortable.

I would discuss this with your SO, tell him that you don't want to be nagging or controlling or tell him what he can and can't do but explain how it's making you feel.

Don't bottle your feelings up. It's very important to get these things out in the open. Very often discussing the matter will not be half as bad as you imagine in your head. If you try and swallow it though, it will fester and get worse and you'll end up getting really upset. If he loves you he will not mind you telling him how you feel. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if he talked about something you were doing that was upsetting him. He needs to be aware of how this is making you feel, then maybe you can come to some compromise where everyone is happy.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[snow_girl]

Also to add, he agreed not to hang out with her or any girl for that matter alone at eithers house. Anywhere else in public is fair, but he's also invited me along each time.

[LivingInWonderland]

That would make me uncomfortable as well. My boyfriend has hung out with other girls before and it does make me uncomfortable. Not because I don't trust him, but because I don't necessarily trust the other girl in his company to behave like he does.

The best thing to do (that I have found), is to just express your concerns. Maybe ask him if he could refrain from spending time with this girl alone. I asked my boyfriend to do the same, and he was very understanding. He reassured me that he would never do anything, or let anyone else do something. But he agreed not to spend time with other girls alone. He also said he would feel the same way if I was hanging out with a guy alone. It's pretty natural not to feel comfortable with that if you are in a monogamous relationship.

Just talk to your boyfriend. I'm sure it you express your concerns and just talk to him about how you feel, he'll be understanding. The best thing to do in situations like this is communicate. He won't know how much it bothers you unless you bring it to his attention.

[Sakuu4]

Maybe this can help you feeling a bit better: I am friend with my ex and i do see him even now. We have been friends for 4 years before dating (for another 4 years) and we broke up more than 2 years ago already. I went back to be friends with him even before I met my actual boyfriend (that's why he doesn't mind). I would never, NEVER EVER think about doing something with him again. We talk about our current partners without problems and I think we can spend a lot of time together cause we know each other and it actually helps us seeing how much we changed (and how much it is better now lol). So maybe there really is nothing to worry about.

Does she have a new boyfriend too?

Still I avoid meeting him alone or for too long cause I know his girlfriend doesn't like it and don't want my SO to start feeling uncomfortable, but I always tell him when I do, cause I don't have anything to hide and so does probably your boyfriend too. Anyway I agree with the others saying that you should talk to him

[Miasmata]

Your feelings on the matter are definitely valid! Figuring out how to handle it is entirely up to you, though. Different people feel differently about ex-partners.

In my case, I'm still very close with my ex. I'm incredibly lucky that he's most forgiving, relaxed person on the planet, and that he's good friends with my SO. My ex and I didn't part on bad terms, either, and after 7 years of relationship we knew we could trust each other to handle things with respect. What helped me a lot was being very open and communicative with both my ex and my SO, and making sure that I wouldn't accidentally sour the situation or ignore bad blood between them. Communication was incredibly important, and showing respect for their feelings. I repeatedly let them know that if there are any issues, they should bring them up, and I let my SO know that I want to know if he's uncomfortable with me maintaining a close friendship with my ex.

What ended up happening is that we're all still living together in the same appartment - My ex had some issues with finding a new place, though he's moving out next month. It's really been a challenge, and awkward and infuriating at times, but trust and communication made it possible. If it hadn't been for that, we likely would have torn into each other after a few weeks at most!

I think in your situation, both you and your SO should be open and communicative and make the effort to handle the situation well. An ex-partner is not a threat by nature, and can really just be an enriching friendship for your SO (or maybe even you too). By the same token, though, you don't have to force yourself to accept a situation blindly. Bring up your worries with your SO, and show that you want to trust him (because if you can't trust him, it doesn't need to be the ex that's gonna scare you; ANY woman could do that, and that's not a good situation for either you or your SO!), but also let him know that he needs to show respect for your discomfort. A healthy compromise can go a long way! All the best you

[R&R]

Your feelings on the matter are definitely valid! Figuring out how to handle it is entirely up to you, though. Different people feel differently about ex-partners.

I think in your situation, both you and your SO should be open and communicative and make the effort to handle the situation well. An ex-partner is not a threat by nature, and can really just be an enriching friendship for your SO (or maybe even you too). By the same token, though, you don't have to force yourself to accept a situation blindly. Bring up your worries with your SO, and show that you want to trust him (because if you can't trust him, it doesn't need to be the ex that's gonna scare you; ANY woman could do that, and that's not a good situation for either you or your SO!), but also let him know that he needs to show respect for your discomfort. A healthy compromise can go a long way! All the best you

I think these items are so very important and it was worded extremely well. I think you should really follow this advice. ^^^

I'm also friends with pretty much all of my ex's. I have a couple of examples for you. My ex-husband lives in CA and he came to visit, he would stay with me and my family. My parents and kids still love him and he is a great guy. Does that mean that we would want to get back together or something would happen? Nope. Even if I was single, it wouldn't. The romantic part of that relationship is over.

One of my ex's I was with for 8 years. His gf's were never comfortable with him and I still being friends, even though we lived in different states! It did end a few relationships for him but he wouldn't give up someone (me) who has been a friend and always there for him for over 8 years. The friendship itself meant too much. One woman he dated for a couple of years gave him the ultimatum.....me or her. He packed her stuff and sent her on her way. I offered to remove myself but he wouldn't let me. Ultimatum's generally don't go over well. I was never a threat. We weren't going to get back together. Neither of us wanted that. We hadn't even seen each other in person for over 5 years. But she couldn't handle the fact that two people can remain friends and her jealousy and insecurity destroyed what could have been a life-long relationship for them.

[Kapwned]

Is it possible that you just feel incompetent compared to her? They've gotten to know each other in ways we haven't and they get to go do things with them that we don't. Plus they likely have a longer history than we do. I've been in this situation a few times. It makes you wonder what they see in you, and it makes you fear that they're still on that fine line between being friends and falling back into a romance.

I've never been able to be a friend with an ex. Either he annoys me and I can only take him in small measures, or I never speak to him again.

I think you're handling it well. I'm glad you're being honest with him and that he is taking it well. Never feel bad for feeling the way you do as long as you're always working at righting the wrong and treating your SO right.

[crazycats]

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice! Everyone's advice and experience have cleared my find and feelings to a certain extent. For now, I have stopped worrying over it because he just made a big gesture in our relationship that made me feel silly for ever feeling uncomfortable with him hanging with his ex. He has not hang out with her since the last time which I was thankful for. I decided if ever the situation permits it, and if there is a strong need for it, I will discuss my feelings of discomfort of him hanging out with his ex.