Am I crazy? Looking for advice or perspective...maybe a reality check.
This is my 1st time posting. My BF and I have a long and eventful history. I will try to make this as brief as possible but it will likely be long.
We met in Jan. 2000 in an AOL chat room. I was recently separated from my husband, with a 2 year old and living with my mother. He had just moved to Cali to get a fresh start. We bonded immediately and began talking via AOL or phone almost daily. There were never any declarations of love or admittance of actual feels but this continued for 9 months. Plans were made for me to go to see him mid-September. A few weeks before the trip he unexpectedly decided he HAD to move back to NJ and was leaving a few days before I was to arrive. Immediately communication was drastically reduced and I started dating someone local. He did attempt to contact me during his drive to NJ with plans of drive through Dallas but I wasn’t home and didn’t get the message. For the next few years we communicated sporadically but it eventually died all together.
Fast forward to 2007 or 2008. I looked him up on FB. I was back with my husband and we had 2 children. He was married with 2 children also. We communicated for maybe 2 months via FB chat and an occasional phone call. Out of the blue he disappeared.
Fast forward again to 01/14. I looked him up on FB again. I had left my husband the previous summer and was enjoying being single and dating. He was still married with 2 kids. We communicated via FB chat and would Skype occasionally. He was having difficulty in his marriage and I was attempting to be a friend and offer support. I would like to believe that is all I was looking for but who knows. Some time at the end of Feb. or early Mar. things started to change and feelings developed. I attempted to back away but couldn’t stick to it. He quickly professed his love for me and intention to leave his wife. We made plans for me to go see him in June. The stars aligned or whatever and he was able to come see me sooner. He drove to Dallas and we met for the 1st time on 4/414. It has been a roller coaster since then.
We agreed from the beginning that we didn’t do things the right way but obviously we had been drawn together for so many years for a reason. We agreed it would have to be a LDR for many years. Moving was out of the questions with 4 children involved. This didn’t stick and he made the decision to move to Dallas anyway. He moved in 7/5/14. We were very happy for a while but as I knew would likely happen, being away from his children became an issue. Unfortunately, he didn’t discuss it with me but kept it inside. I knew there was a problem but couldn’t pin point it due to his lack of communication. On 5/11/15 he told me he thought he wanted to move back to NJ. We spent the next few days walking on eggshells with each other, not knowing what was going to happen. On 5/14/15, while I was at work, he packed his vehicle and left for NJ. My life was shattered.
The next 6 weeks were probably the worst days of my life. He had moved back into his ex’s house to be closer to the kids. He ignored me most of the time but when he did communicate he would tell me how much he loved me, he couldn’t function without me, he didn’t know if he could do a LDR after knowing what it was like to be together every day and kept asking me to give him more time. I was basically a lunatic, swinging from one emotion to the next on an hourly basis. Sometime at the beginning of June his ex called to tell me I needed to leave him alone. That he had asked to move back in and they had been having sex. I lost it, completely.
The next week was a blur. He admitted to having sex with her but not initiating it. He said he really had no explanation why it happened but that he was honest with her that it meant nothing and he was 100% in love with me. However, he was still convinced there was no way he could be in an LDR with me because it hurt too much to be away from me. I decided that the only chance we had of saving our relationship was for me to see him in person. We spent 3 days together and when I left we had agreed to work things out. We felt we were better together than apart, that apart we were destroying each other. I knew he would have to remain living at his ex’s home for a while because he was not yet working.
Since that trip he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression and started taking medicine and going to therapy. We also found out the medicine he had taken for 5 years to treat seizures was also treating his undiagnosed Bipolar. He had stopped taking this medicine 03/15. The Bipolar diagnosis and finding out about the medication that had been treating his undiagnosed Bipolar made things much clearer.
It has been a few months now and I have been back to see him once. He has been on medicine for his Bipolar for over 6 weeks and I can definitely see a huge difference. He is back to the man I fell in love with. The major issue is he still lives with his ex and will for at least a few more months. I believe he loves me and is committed to me but in my gut I feel there are things he has not been honest with me about during the 6 weeks after he moved back to NJ. He tells me that period of time is a huge blur for him. With the lack of medication, his guilt and the drama and controlling going on with his ex, I do believe him but I can’t put aside my gut feeling.
I know I love him. I know he loves me. What I don’t know is if I’m crazy for even attempting an LDR now. Should I believe him? Should I trust him? I have zero support for the relationship with friends and family and nobody to talk to about it. I guess that’s why I’m spilling my guts on an LDR forum. Hopefully somebody has some advice or perspective to offer…….
We met in Jan. 2000 in an AOL chat room. I was recently separated from my husband, with a 2 year old and living with my mother. He had just moved to Cali to get a fresh start. We bonded immediately and began talking via AOL or phone almost daily. There were never any declarations of love or admittance of actual feels but this continued for 9 months. Plans were made for me to go to see him mid-September. A few weeks before the trip he unexpectedly decided he HAD to move back to NJ and was leaving a few days before I was to arrive. Immediately communication was drastically reduced and I started dating someone local. He did attempt to contact me during his drive to NJ with plans of drive through Dallas but I wasn’t home and didn’t get the message. For the next few years we communicated sporadically but it eventually died all together.
Fast forward to 2007 or 2008. I looked him up on FB. I was back with my husband and we had 2 children. He was married with 2 children also. We communicated for maybe 2 months via FB chat and an occasional phone call. Out of the blue he disappeared.
Fast forward again to 01/14. I looked him up on FB again. I had left my husband the previous summer and was enjoying being single and dating. He was still married with 2 kids. We communicated via FB chat and would Skype occasionally. He was having difficulty in his marriage and I was attempting to be a friend and offer support. I would like to believe that is all I was looking for but who knows. Some time at the end of Feb. or early Mar. things started to change and feelings developed. I attempted to back away but couldn’t stick to it. He quickly professed his love for me and intention to leave his wife. We made plans for me to go see him in June. The stars aligned or whatever and he was able to come see me sooner. He drove to Dallas and we met for the 1st time on 4/414. It has been a roller coaster since then.
We agreed from the beginning that we didn’t do things the right way but obviously we had been drawn together for so many years for a reason. We agreed it would have to be a LDR for many years. Moving was out of the questions with 4 children involved. This didn’t stick and he made the decision to move to Dallas anyway. He moved in 7/5/14. We were very happy for a while but as I knew would likely happen, being away from his children became an issue. Unfortunately, he didn’t discuss it with me but kept it inside. I knew there was a problem but couldn’t pin point it due to his lack of communication. On 5/11/15 he told me he thought he wanted to move back to NJ. We spent the next few days walking on eggshells with each other, not knowing what was going to happen. On 5/14/15, while I was at work, he packed his vehicle and left for NJ. My life was shattered.
The next 6 weeks were probably the worst days of my life. He had moved back into his ex’s house to be closer to the kids. He ignored me most of the time but when he did communicate he would tell me how much he loved me, he couldn’t function without me, he didn’t know if he could do a LDR after knowing what it was like to be together every day and kept asking me to give him more time. I was basically a lunatic, swinging from one emotion to the next on an hourly basis. Sometime at the beginning of June his ex called to tell me I needed to leave him alone. That he had asked to move back in and they had been having sex. I lost it, completely.
The next week was a blur. He admitted to having sex with her but not initiating it. He said he really had no explanation why it happened but that he was honest with her that it meant nothing and he was 100% in love with me. However, he was still convinced there was no way he could be in an LDR with me because it hurt too much to be away from me. I decided that the only chance we had of saving our relationship was for me to see him in person. We spent 3 days together and when I left we had agreed to work things out. We felt we were better together than apart, that apart we were destroying each other. I knew he would have to remain living at his ex’s home for a while because he was not yet working.
Since that trip he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression and started taking medicine and going to therapy. We also found out the medicine he had taken for 5 years to treat seizures was also treating his undiagnosed Bipolar. He had stopped taking this medicine 03/15. The Bipolar diagnosis and finding out about the medication that had been treating his undiagnosed Bipolar made things much clearer.
It has been a few months now and I have been back to see him once. He has been on medicine for his Bipolar for over 6 weeks and I can definitely see a huge difference. He is back to the man I fell in love with. The major issue is he still lives with his ex and will for at least a few more months. I believe he loves me and is committed to me but in my gut I feel there are things he has not been honest with me about during the 6 weeks after he moved back to NJ. He tells me that period of time is a huge blur for him. With the lack of medication, his guilt and the drama and controlling going on with his ex, I do believe him but I can’t put aside my gut feeling.
I know I love him. I know he loves me. What I don’t know is if I’m crazy for even attempting an LDR now. Should I believe him? Should I trust him? I have zero support for the relationship with friends and family and nobody to talk to about it. I guess that’s why I’m spilling my guts on an LDR forum. Hopefully somebody has some advice or perspective to offer…….
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