Breaking up and moving out?

[Deez]

We've been together almost 2.5 years, living together just over 1 year. I don't think it's working anymore.

We started long distance, meet up a handful of times. I threw the deadline out there, that we needed to be close distance by September of that year, we had 9 months. We debated over who would move where, neither of us wanted to leave our families, both of us could transfer our jobs, it was 50/50. Then his roommate said it would be OK if I moved in. Not a long term solution but it's easier looking for a place together if we were together in person. He was worried I would resent him if he made me move out to him. He didn't make me, I don't resent him. Long story short, we closed the distance a few days short of our September '14 deadline.

It's been a year now, and what a year it's been. We started off really happy and positive and then hit a few bumps. I found out, less than a month after I moved in, that he had been having doubts that my transfer was going to go through. He'd been trying to contact other girls about a few weeks before I found out my transfer date. Nothing came of it, to my knowledge. But after spending the first year and a half defending him, saying there is no possible way he would even think of cheating on me, it was kind of a slap in the face.

Couple months later it's the holiday season. This is the first time I've moved out of my parents house and the first time id be away from them for the holidays. So I threw myself into making the best first Christmas ever. I was crapped on. He mocked and shot down all of my ideas and made me feel stupid for caring as much as I did. He was moody and depressed all winter.

It got better in February through the beginning of spring. Then the fighting intensified seemingly out of no where. I told him we need to work on us or I can't do it anymore. The roller coaster of good days, bad weeks, bad days, good weeks continued until now.

So a year later and I am exactly where I was last year. Same house and all. I was told I don't have to live here anymore but he and the roommate each own half the house and he couldn't do anything for another 2-3 years. If I had known this before I moved, I wouldn't be here right now. It was never my intention to three's company it with him and the roommate longer than a few months. I asked him if he wanted me around after all this fighting and what not, he told me he wanted me to suffer with him through the next few years but that he wasn't sure us being alone would fix a lot of our problems.

I'm at fault of course too. I bottle my emotions until I snap and yell. I also grew up fighting with my brother, I'm awful when I fight with my words. When I get depressed I stop caring and get lazy.

Now I'm done. I miss home, I miss being happy, I'm tired of asking why he won't hold me or kiss me, I'm tired of being told that I have to earn his affection. I'm tired but I still love him? Everything would be easier if I still didn't care so much about him. But maybe I need to put myself first?

Ideally I move back home, we go back to long distance, he finishes whatever here and then moves to where I am and we are perfect again. That's not going to happen though.

He isn't the type of guy who would throw me out and it's not like me wanting to go back home is a surprise to him. But this is my first actual relationship, I don't know how to break up with someone, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. It's going to be awkward trying to get back home. I just don't know what to do. I can put in for a transfer in a few days, do I wait until I have a transfer? It took months last time. I have somewhere to live back home and a few people who could help me move on a moment's notice. I just don't know.

Has anyone else been in this situation? It ends and you need to go back? Any advice?

[differentcountries]

I wouldn't agree to live with an SO and a friend unless I knew and liked the friend. Generally, these things don't turn out well when one party gets a girfriend/boyfriend. I had a friend whose relationship broke over their SO living with a sister and everything getting too close. I can imagine it is a bit like living with someone's family and never really getting your own space. It is possable that he was looking to do things differentlly but that it didn't turn out like that. But it seems a bit strange to net mention that they own 50 % each and have a hard time moving apart.

If you think about it; how much do you think is about the crammed living situation and how much about your actual relationship? If it is also about your relationship, do you have any ideas on how to fix them? You mentioned that you tend to bottle up frustrations until you blow up. Are there any ways you could let out steam as you go along? What can he do about his winter moodiness and his tendency to be critical in ways you experience as uncomortable and non-constructive?

If both of you are kind of vague in your communication and blaming the other for it, perhaps it is time for you to step up and say THIS is what I want. If you don't want the living situation any more, get out of the living situation. If you consider getting a transfer at work, ask for a transfer. Just be sure you have the money to be safe, you will need a job where you live.

[hmrambling]

I'm tired of being told that I have to earn his affection.

re·la·tion·ship
rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/
noun
noun: relationship; plural noun: relationships

the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

But maybe I need to put myself first?

But this is my first actual relationship

See the definition of relationship above. You will find that a relationship is not "earning" your partner's affection.

I believe that you have answered your own questions in this post. It sounds like you know that you need to break up with him, but you have fears about breaking up with him. Yes, you need to put yourself first. The situation you describe sounds like he is not reciprocating, and that the two of you moved together based on an ultimatum. Meeting the deadline of your ultimatum was not enough - now you want more, which you are not getting, and you realize that it is time to take care of yourself.

[differentcountries]

I'm tired of being told that I have to earn his affection.

The reality of life is, we do have to earn the affection of other people. Some say it more tactfully than others, but the truth of the matter is this: we love people who make us feel good about ourselves. And the feeling of being loved makes us want to make other people feel good. Any hindrance in this affection cycle hits hard, even when people mean well.

To OP:You may feel that he owes you, but did you stop think maybe he feels he had to earn your affection? You were the one who set an ultimatum about closing the distance within less than a year. You bottle up your feelings, and when you try to share them you rage. You said he made you feel stupid for caring about the holidays...but perhaps you made him feel stupid for not sharing your Christmas desires? And from what you tell about him, or actually tell straight, he was depressed. You say it like a character flaw of his, but did he seek out help for clinical depression, seasonal moodiness etc? Did you recognize it as depression, or did you see it mostly in light of your relationship where he did not measure up?

You indicate a lot that you are the type of person who doesn't really take care of your own needs, but I don't see you talking about trying to take care of his needs. Perhaps because you are too busy dealing with your own numbness and repressed anger? You say you are not happy. You also say "when I get depressed", as if that is regularily occuring in your life, coming and going, even unrelated to him. Of course, a disfunctional reationship can affect the mind a lot. But how was your moods before moving in with him? You mention being close to your family, but also fighting with your brother - are you repeating history in your new family with him?

If it is really the issue that both of you deal with depressic episodes - while describing both yourself an him you often mention sadness and rage, which are both signs of depresssion - perhaps focusing more on your individual journeys would be a good idea, weather together or apart.

[Kapwned]

Agreed. Love is not unconditional. But I do think that the OP and their SO have gotten themselves into a messy and bitter situation. The attitude such as 'earn my affection' could be coming from a place of bitterness fueled by their conflicts since moving in together. When we're mad we don't always say and do the best things. And OP sounds like they can use some nasty words as well. It might just be best to move out and move on. You guys plummeted downhill right from the get go. If I had moved in with my boyfriend only to find out a month later that while I was working to move away from home to live with him, that he was off messaging other girls and looking for backup plans, I'd have honestly left. That is blatantly disrespectful and uncalled for. That there is how I think OPs boyfriend has been treating their relationship.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I think the others covered the "do I stay with him part" quite nicely. Now for the "how the hell do I leave him if that's what I decide to do part". Well, it's not going to be easy. Breakups and never fun and the fact that you moved your life to be with him makes it even worse. There are tons of ways that you can handle this. How would I handle it? 1) put in for a transfer ASAP 2) tell him that you're putting in for a transfer, explain the factors involved, that you still love him but that you aren't happy here and that you want to move back home 3) see his reaction.

Either he'll agree with you and it'll be a mutual thing where maybe you can stick around with him until the transfer is granted. Otherwise, be prepared to find a place on your own until you are able to move home or be prepared to move home before your transfer is granted (not sure how that would work in your career). Best of luck to you and I hope that you find happiness!

[hmrambling]

Some say it more tactfully than others, but the truth of the matter is this: we love people who make us feel good about ourselves. And the feeling of being loved makes us want to make other people feel good. Any hindrance in this affection cycle hits hard, even when people mean well.

Why are we relying on other people to make us feel good about ourselves?

There's an awful lot of make in your post. No one can make me feel good about myself. I need to enter the relationship already feeling good about myself. People only make me feel bad about myself if I let them make me feel bad about myself - and that's not happening.

OP, you are a good person regardless if someone tells you are a good person or not. If a person tells you that you are a good person, that doesn't make you a good person. Also, if someone tells you that you are a bad person, that doesn't make you a bad person.

People give other people too much power. How and why are other people defining how we feel? How does my partner make (force) me to feel good? She doesn't. So many people are in the business of handing all of their power over to other people and allowing other people to define them, until they don't even know who they are anymore.

If I am in a committed relationship, there is already a foundation on which that relationship was built. That foundation was not built over night. That's the purpose of dating and getting to know someone.

However, if someone I have been in a committed relationship for years suddenly begins to tell me that affection is earned, there is some implication that I must work for this person's love. If that's the case, I would question if that person was emotionally available to me. If that person is not emotionally available to me, if we are not on the same level or in the same place, then I wouldn't stay.

All relationships take work, but I am not in the business of constantly chasing my partner in hopes of obtaining love in some indefinite future. No, just no.

My position remains the same on the ultimatums - it is likely that he felt pressured by your ultimatums and now feels trapped in the situation, and has shut down emotionally. If he has shut down emotionally, then he is not emotionally available to you. And no, that does not "make" you a bad person if that is the case.

[differentcountries]

Why are we relying on other people to make us feel good about ourselves?

There's an awful lot of make in your post. No one can make me feel good about myself. I need to enter the relationship already feeling good about myself. People only make me feel bad about myself if I let them make me feel bad about myself - and that's not happening.

OP, you are a good person regardless if someone tells you are a good person or not. If a person tells you that you are a good person, that doesn't make you a good person. Also, if someone tells you that you are a bad person, that doesn't make you a bad person.

People give other people too much power. How and why are other people defining how we feel? How does my partner make (force) me to feel good? She doesn't. So many people are in the business of handing all of their power over to other people and allowing other people to define them, until they don't even know who they are anymore.

If I am in a committed relationship, there is already a foundation on which that relationship was built. That foundation was not built over night. That's the purpose of dating and getting to know someone.

However, if someone I have been in a committed relationship for years suddenly begins to tell me that affection is earned, there is some implication that I must work for this person's love. If that's the case, I would question if that person was emotionally available to me. If that person is not emotionally available to me, if we are not on the same level or in the same place, then I wouldn't stay.

All relationships take work, but I am not in the business of constantly chasing my partner in hopes of obtaining love in some indefinite future. No, just no.

My position remains the same on the ultimatums - it is likely that he felt pressured by your ultimatums and now feels trapped in the situation, and has shut down emotionally. If he has shut down emotionally, then he is not emotionally available to you. And no, that does not "make" you a bad person if that is the case.

We want to engage with others because it feels good. Was that better worded for you? Sure, we can be on our own, and it is very important in a sense to be able to be happy in your own skin, too. But my post was about that it is ok to have expectations of others but of course in a relationship that goes both ways! If OP has to earn his love, he by the same rule also has to earn OP's love and so far she is not happy with it.

[Schmevin]

Why are we relying on other people to make us feel good about ourselves?

There's an awful lot of make in your post. No one can make me feel good about myself. I need to enter the relationship already feeling good about myself. People only make me feel bad about myself if I let them make me feel bad about myself - and that's not happening.

OP, you are a good person regardless if someone tells you are a good person or not. If a person tells you that you are a good person, that doesn't make you a good person. Also, if someone tells you that you are a bad person, that doesn't make you a bad person.

People give other people too much power. How and why are other people defining how we feel? How does my partner make (force) me to feel good? She doesn't. So many people are in the business of handing all of their power over to other people and allowing other people to define them, until they don't even know who they are anymore.

If I am in a committed relationship, there is already a foundation on which that relationship was built. That foundation was not built over night. That's the purpose of dating and getting to know someone.

However, if someone I have been in a committed relationship for years suddenly begins to tell me that affection is earned, there is some implication that I must work for this person's love. If that's the case, I would question if that person was emotionally available to me. If that person is not emotionally available to me, if we are not on the same level or in the same place, then I wouldn't stay.

All relationships take work, but I am not in the business of constantly chasing my partner in hopes of obtaining love in some indefinite future. No, just no.

My position remains the same on the ultimatums - it is likely that he felt pressured by your ultimatums and now feels trapped in the situation, and has shut down emotionally. If he has shut down emotionally, then he is not emotionally available to you. And no, that does not "make" you a bad person if that is the case.

I absolutely needed to hear this! Thank you so much for posting this.