New Here! My Situation (LONG!)

[Schmevin]

Hello, everyone! I'm in a strange situation. Met a guy on a message board that is related to our favorite band. I'll call him M. He PM'd me back in April just to get information on the town that I live in since he was going to be visiting there after the concert and staying for a few days. We then started to PM back and forth, but it was all very innocent. In fact, I was in a relationship and living with my boyfriend. A day before the concert he asked me to text him my number and he gave me mine. We proceeded to text back & forth all day long the day before the concert and this was still just like buddies. I wasn't thinking I'd wind up wanting him! The day of the concert, M, me, and my now ex-boyfriend all met up before the concert. After the concert, M came back to the hotel (we were all staying at the same one) and we chit chatted about the show, etc. I had a very strong attraction to M and by the way he was looking at me, it seemed that he did with me as well.

In the next couple of days, we were texting like crazy. I asked him if I went to the show in the next city over if he'd hang with me (it was a general admission show and I didn't want to be all by myself in that big crowd). He said that he would and offered to give me the extra bed in his hotel room. Ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because of this (it's really been over for three years, but we wouldn't admit it to each other). We share a home together, so this has been really tough. This was back in early July. Went to the hotel and the first night, he cuddled and caressed me. Went to the concert the next day and had a good time. Left the next day and we hugged and said goodbye. I was crying on the way home because nothing was said about meeting up again or anything. We texted back and forth every day and I invited him to come out and meet me in another city because I'd be there on business for four days. He agreed and booked his flight. This was last week (came back on Sunday). We had a wonderful four days/nights together. Even though I was working during the day, we had fun in the evenings and he took me to the places I mentioned wanting to go to. We have so much in common and are very compatible. It's uncanny as to how much we share in common and agree on. I had to drive him back to the airport. While driving home, I felt so empty and sad because I knew I was going to miss him. I had my trip already planned to visit him in December for New Year's before we did this visit. So, at least that is set.

My problem is this - I don't know what we are to each other. I know this is only our second time together, but I thought he'd say what he's thinking about us. A couple of days ago, I texted him and said, "So, do you want this to become something more serious or are you just looking for a friend?" He said, "That remains to be determined. The distance doesn't make it easy. I am damaged goods and it will take a lot for me to develop a level of trust again with ANYONE." I felt so hurt when I saw that but didn't respond. He texted back an hour later, "But, we are some how so strangely compatible." I responded about a 1/2 hour later that I understand his problem and will not hurt him. That I also find us very compatible.

Background on him - he had a 20 year relationship that ended in heartache. They had a home together, she cheated on him and left him for a mutual friend. She dumped the mortgage in his lap and he had to sell the house shortly thereafter. You can understand how he's jaded and leery of a relationship. From what I know, he's dated several women since the main relationship ended five years ago, but he hasn't been serious with anyone. At least I don't think he has.

So, I don't know where we stand or what our status is. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship until I get to know him better, but he's making it sound like it will be forever until he can trust his heart with anyone! It's driving me crazy.

[hmrambling]

You say in your post that you share a home with your boyfriend that you broke up with. You didn't say ex-boyfriend. Are you still sharing a home with him? Do you plan to dissolve the old relationship before moving on to a new relationship?

I would suggest working on your current situation so that you are available for a relationship. I would not be fully available for a relationship if I were living with an ex.

Trust takes time to establish. There are various stages in a relationship. I would believe him when he says, "That remains to be determined. The distance doesn't make it easy. I am damaged goods and it will take a lot for me to develop a level of trust again with ANYONE."

These days, when people tell me who they are, I tend to believe them. I cannot change people. I need to accept my partner for who she is.

[R&R]

I'm trying to follow but did the second concert and staying in the hotel with M happen before the breakup with your now ex?

[differentcountries]

He tells you he feels connected with you but has trust issues in the current situation. It sounds by your plans that he intend to work on them with you. What he is not saying, but that lies obviously under the surface, is that instead of pining over what to call yourselves, you should rather focus on settling your estate and find your own place to live.

[Schmevin]

Yes, the breakup occurred before the 2nd concert with M where we shared a hotel room.

I'm still in the house with my ex. It's difficult but neither of us can afford the house on our own. We have to sell. I'm hoping that will happen in the spring.

Also, his damaged goods statement is concerning. I've Googled it and many articles say it means he is using it as an excuse so as not to develop a relationship with someone. I don't know.

[differentcountries]

Ugly breakups, which you don't mention having any experience with, can be very devastating to your self concience and your ability to trust. I am not joking when I tell you that I was way into my 1st year of dating my husband before I considered trusting him and his itentions with me, after everything that went down with my ex and the breakdown of that marriage. My now husband did, however, give me an ultimatum that I had to agree to call us boyfriend/girlfriend "or at least going towards that place". I agreed after 2-3 months of CD dating. Even so, I used a whole year to really start to trust him and feel that I was ok loving him, and even after 3-4 years, attending weddings litterally made me gag (luckily, most of our friends married after we did).

He may or may not "use it as an excuse". I think often actually what comes out as bad behaviour is people being literally hurt and hurting. I think however, for the level of practical commitment you (and him) are showing, it doesn't make sense to not say you are dating/an item. But that too can come in time. The point is that there has to be development. You have only just started dating, so it is important not to rush.

[R&R]

What he needs to realize is that everyone is "damaged goods". We all have histories with good and bad and all of that has helped shape us into who we are today.

If he has trust issues that he needs to work through, then fine. But the only way he's going to learn to get through them is to start giving his trust to someone. It's not going to happen overnight - it could take years. I mean, he put 20 years into a relationship that ended so it's going to take time. He's got to be the one who is willing to try. There's really nothing you can do on your end to make him try. I think you're smart not to jump into anything serious. Right now, it would probably be best to be friends and just really get to know each other on that level first. Personally, I'd hold off on anything physical until you both make a decision as to what you really want and where you are possibly headed.

[Schmevin]

I have some new problems now. My ex that I still live with in the house googled a previous username of mine and found messages that I wrote on another site. He found out what happened with M when he came to visit me last week. Since he still has feelings for me, he sent M a private message on Facebook and said, "Stop F-ing up our lives!" I don't know if M will see it because it'll go into his "Other" folder on Facebook. But, still......now I'm worried that this is going to mess everything up with M and I. I am not at the house now....went to my mom's last night to get out of there. I'm going to be very sad if my ex has destroyed my relationship with M. Hopefully, M will not even see the message. Or if he does, he will ignore it and not respond. I'm not even going to tell him that it happened.

R&R, there has already been physical with M. Too late not to hold off on that. No wonder people advise women NOT to do anything sexual with a man until you are sure he really wants to be with you. It just makes women want the guy even more. Perhaps more so even if he is not right for her.

I told my ex that even if it ends with M, that isn't going to endure me to him anymore. I will NOT go back with him. I have a realtor coming over next week to see what's what and hopefully, we can sell the house and part ways. Feeling very sad because I only heard from M a couple of times today on text. I asked him if we could talk on the phone and he said it's a very full weekend for him. Told him we could talk late this evening and he didn't respond. I just sent him a text a bit ago and said that I need his advice on selling a house since he did it before and I haven't. No response. Makes me very nervous that he received the message from my ex on FB and is now not wanting to talk to me.

[R&R]

First, you need to let M know what your ex wrote. Where you are not in a relationship with M, this doesn't really cancel anything. And for something so simple as your ex's behavior ending a possible relationship, than that's not someone you would want to be with.

Yes, you have already had something physical happen. However, you are a 45 year old adult who can control your behavior and actions. I would expect your response coming from a young teenager. You are capable of pulling things back and taking things a step at a time.

Honestly, you really need to get out of you living situation (which you are working on) and focus on getting YOUR life situated before worrying about anything beyond a friendship with M. Your ex doesn't know boundries, you're in a somewhat volatile living situation, you're worrying about whether someone who at this point is just a friend (and has told you that right now is not ready for anything more) is speaking to you or not - take a big step back and a breath. You don't need this drama and need to get your life on track for YOU.