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Coping with long-term long distance

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    #1

    Coping with long-term long distance

    Hey all,

    So we've been dating long distance for a year, and we still have three years to go until his air force commitment is up and he moves back. Both of us are being careful about making sure we're ready before we take any next steps, so we're in this place of "I hope you're the one but I don't know yet". Which is great and I'm totally on board with that. The problem is that there's three years of long distance hanging over my head and I just don't know if I can deal with three more years apart. I'm not ready to get engaged yet, but I'd like for it to be more of a conversation instead of just "I don't know". Obviously I can't change where's he at, but I just don't quite know how to deal with this uncertainty and not knowing how long I'll have to push through this distance. I graduate in April and would love to move down with him after then but it's financially complicated as well as the possibilities of him being deployed, etc. My heart is just tired and I don't quite know how to cope with this for three more years. Any suggestions, stories of your experiences, or encouragements would be very appreciated (please no sarcasm or patronizing comments). Thanks all!
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    #2
    Ahhh, the joys of a partner in the military. Been there, done that. We started out with him in the military when we met. He was single, no kids- 26 years old. I was separated with two young ones - 29 years old. He was in NY and I was in NH. He spent another 2 years in the military and then went home to CA and to college. Then it was job contracting with the military - TX, CA, HI,VA, DC and finally settling in PA. He tried multiple times for jobs in our area but it just didn't happen. We were off and on for 8 years when it finally ended for good.

    Being in a relationship with someone in the military is a little different than just being long-distance because the military owns them. Even if you were to say, get married, if he's deployed you're just going to be at home waiting at whatever base you are stationed at. Not everyone can handle a relationship with someone in the military. I honestly believe there is a lot more stress involved due to the uncertainty and danger in the job -depending on what they do. It takes a special person to be with someone in the military.

    Any relationship, CD or LD has uncertainty. Just because you live close doesn't mean it's going to work out. You have to decide if the person is who you really want to be with and if you are both willing to put in the effort. Everything is a learning experience. If it works, then wonderful. If it doesn't, you have learned some things that will help you moving forward.
    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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      #3
      R&R you don't know how much it means to me to hear you acknowledge that military long distance makes it extra hard. It's really good to know someone else out there understand. At this point I've pretty much decided I want to make this work with him. I guess I'm just waiting on him to catch up. Thanks for responding!

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        #4
        There are lots of jobs where the job "owns" people and they are not that family friendly. My SO is not in the military but he works super long hours for 8-9 months straight. And he lives 3.000 miles away in a different country. Even when I visit there is little time. We have done this for two years. And we have no time frame on when the long distance might end.

        What helps us is, we know we are in this long term. I visit as often as I can. He has been to my country once. We know we will do what we can. I have decided to live with the uncertainty because that is something that comes with dating him right now. There will be times later when we will have more time for each other. We make the most out of the small time we have together. I support him in his job.

        I get the tired feeling. I do. Please take it seriously. Take care of yourself. I recently treated myself to a more expensive line of skin products. It felt very good to have something for myself and not just the relationship. Please be aware of any signs of depression. Try to laugh a lot. Make sure that your life now is livable. Then look into possabilities to maybe close the distance sooner.
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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          #5
          Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
          There are lots of jobs where the job "owns" people and they are not that family friendly. My SO is not in the military but he works super long hours for 8-9 months straight. And he lives 3.000 miles away in a different country. Even when I visit there is little time. We have done this for two years. And we have no time frame on when the long distance might end.
          The big difference is your SO's job can't choose to deploy him to another country. Depending on what her SO does in the military, he could be in a zone where he life is in danger daily. She can't just go visit him like you can your SO or I can my SO. (My SO's job is his life being self-employed.) Trust me, military is a whole different animal and unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand it.
          To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

          ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by R&R View Post
            The big difference is your SO's job can't choose to deploy him to another country. Depending on what her SO does in the military, he could be in a zone where he life is in danger daily. She can't just go visit him like you can your SO or I can my SO. (My SO's job is his life being self-employed.) Trust me, military is a whole different animal and unless you've lived it, it's hard to understand it.
            I am not devaluating your special experience of being a military gf (I wrote my reply at the same time as you, so I saw yours only after mine was published). I am sure military life has got its special challenges and it it not in any way a comment to what you wrote. I was reffering to the shared experience of long term long distance,dealing with uncertainty and feeling worn down by it all. There has been university students writing very similar posts as the OP, so these challenges are not restricted to military life.
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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              #7
              There are several similar situations like this. I can relate to many things dc mentions only my so is "owned" by his choice to be a caregiver to his parents. We are in a very committed relationship and I can tell you it's dammed hard at times, mostly because of the uncertainty. But also we both know it's not forever so I've accepted this as I can't change it. We're approaching 4 years in the winter. We each have our individual lives and if there's a place for compromise that's great but sometimes you're more on one partner's terms. We did not choose this and I know he's doing the right thing and that makes the wait a little easier.

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                #8
                My SO and I have been long distance now for almost 2.5 years. He is in his first semester of med school, which means we have another 3.5 until he graduates. After graduation, he will do residency, which could be anywhere.
                I understand the uncertainty of the future. We may not be together again for another 4 to 9 years. I used to get depressed and discouraged every single day I woke up. I have had to learn to pick up and go on with my life here. Today. I do what I can today and try my best to let tomorrow worry about itself.
                Being in med school, my SO has little to no time for conversation anymore. I can't tell you the last time we actually had a conversation that could be written out in paragraphs. It discourages me and isn't what I prefer, but I will be okay.
                I am a single mother of one, full time employee, and full time student. As you can see, I stay busy. It helps to keep my mind focused on positive things here and now, rather than dwelling on when and what may or may not happen.
                You mentioned that your heart is tired. I related to that more than anything else you posted in this thread. This summer, I was depressed thinking about the distance. Something clicked with me though, I realized that I had to let him go and handle his business in a sense, which allowed me to focus more on me.
                I hope this all makes sense.

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