Falling Out of Love

[katiehampton]

Hello everyone, it's been a long time since I've been on this forum. So long that I had to create a new profile because I couldn't remember my old login info. I came back because I desperately need the advice from people who are in a similar situation to mine. This is going to be a long post and I apologize in advance, but I just really need to get my thoughts out.

Little bit of background:
Chris and I met back in 2010 on an online music website. He is 24 and lives in California, I'm 22 and live in Maryland. We first became good friends until our relationship developed into something more and we began dating August 2010. Everything was going great. Our parents both accepted the relationship, my parents generously paid for our plane tickets and we were both so in love and so happy. We visit twice a year, summer break and winter break because of college. We have our whole lives planned out. After we both graduate which would be next year in 2016, Chris plans to move out to Maryland to find a job in/around DC dealing with emergency management, and I will be working as a nurse.

Recently, my feelings have started to change and I have been extremely confused on how I feel. Chris is a wonderful person. He has NEVER given me a reason to distrust him, he loves me with everything he has, he is so generous, loving, supportive..everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend. He was my first everything, and I was his. I know he would give me the life I've dreamed about since I was little, which is why these feelings are scaring me so much. Basically, I feel like I am falling out of love with him on a romantic level. I know I love him as a friend, and he is my best friend, but for some reason the romantic feelings I have toward him are slowly drifting away. Recently when he came to visit this past August, I just felt like kissing him wasn't the same, I didn't feel as lovely dovey toward him, but I loved having him as a companion. These feelings also tend to come and go. One day I felt like holy shit Katie get those feelings out of your head what are you thinking?? And then the next I was thinking omg I can't believe I felt that way, I do love him. I cried in my car after I dropped him off at the airport. I didn't want him to leave. I know I feel SOMETHING, it's just different then it was 5 years ago.

Back in August while he was here, I ended up telling my mom how I felt one night while he was in the other room playing a game with my brother. She was a little in shock, but she told me I have to be happy in life and if I'm not feeling romantically toward him anymore, that can turn into a big problem. After this conversation, I just took it day by day with him and I felt that it was a fleeting thought and I really did love him. Those feelings recently came back into my head and this past Sunday night, I ended up telling him how I felt because it really started to bother me and I don't like keeping things from him. He cried, a lot...and I sat there in silence feeling numb. I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. I told him that I was feeling very confused and that I love him, I just didn't know if I still loved him in a romantic way. I told him I needed a few days to myself to figure out how I was feeling and to appreciate him as my boyfriend. We talk EVERY day and I thought maybe having a few days apart would help me appreciate the kind of boyfriend I really do have and make me miss him.


Well, now its Tuesday and I've barely cried. The moments I did cry were out of confusion, frustration, and anger towards myself that I'm having these feelings. I mostly feel numb and in disbelief that this is actually happening. He ended up calling my mom last night and crying to her and saying hes done nothing wrong, he doesn't know why I'm feeling this way, etc.. so I texted him this morning saying I hope he has a good day at work, I need some time to myself to figure out how I'm feeling, and I reassured him it was nothing he had done and that's where I'm at now.

My mom called me this morning and we had a really long talk about everything that is going on. She went through a similar situation in college, so she was trying her best to talk to me, but even she acknowledged this situation is 10x harder because we are over 3,000 miles apart. Part of me feels that I might be feeling this way because I feel smothered by Chris? I feel like I am his sole source of happiness and I almost feel like I am stuck in the relationship because I know he loves me SO much and I would completely shatter his world if we broke up. I don't know if its the distance that is making me drift from him? I don't know if I'm emotionally exhausted from this 5 year long distance relationship? I know I've been struggling internally because I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I want to be in life. I thought I wanted to be a nurse, but through nursing school I have been questioning that because of the stress. Everyone around me seems to love it and know exactly what they want to be after we graduate, and I'm sitting here thinking "Wow I still have no idea what I want to with this degree". I don't know if those feelings of confusion are crossing over to my relationship and making me question things? I really just don't know. I want to be happy with my partner. I want to look at him and feel the same spark I did 5 years ago. I know overtime, relationships change and its not the honeymoon phase it was at the beginning, but something just feels different now and I can't figure out if its true or not.

I'm not rushing in to ending things, because I know I need to take the time to figure things out. I'm afraid of what I could potentially be losing. I'm afraid I won't find someone who treats me as great as Chris does. I'm afraid I won't find someone like him that I can marry and have a family with. But it's not fair to hold on to him because I want those things and know I can get it from him if I'm not feeling how I used to. I'm afraid of letting go of the life I've envisioned in my head with him. I wish he was here because after being apart, I do forget what it feels like when he kisses me. I forget what it feels like to have him hold me and have my best friend around to go do things with. I just know when he was here last month, things felt different during the first week we were together. All he wanted to do was kiss me and hold me every second and I get that, he missed me. But I could feel myself wanting to say, "Can you just stop for a second?". I wont see him again until January, and I just don't know what is going to happen between us from now until then. I'm scared, confused, sad...I just really need some advice on this situation. I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life.

-Katie

[differentcountries]

At least it sounds as if you have maybe fallen out of love with nursing school.

[katiehampton]

At least it sounds as if you have maybe fallen out of love with nursing school.

I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would, but I can't quit. I've invested too much time and my parents have invested too much money. I graduate in 7 months and I know I will find something I enjoy because I love medicine and helping people. Its just been another added stress and I hate not knowing what my future will be. It's scary to me

[differentcountries]

I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would, but I can't quit. I've invested too much time and my parents have invested too much money. I graduate in 7 months and I know I will find something I enjoy because I love medicine and helping people. Its just been another added stress and I hate not knowing what my future will be. It's scary to me

I am not saying you should quit. But it does sound like feeling less romantic about your boyfriend and feeling less enthusiatic about your studies happened at about the same time, which makes me wonder if those two feelings of being not smitten any more are somehow connected. When people feel less thrilled about their life in general, it is common to try to change that by adressing their love life first, but that may not be the best way to start.

[katiehampton]

I am not saying you should quit. But it does sound like feeling less romantic about your boyfriend and feeling less enthusiatic about your studies happened at about the same time, which makes me wonder if those two feelings of being not smitten any more are somehow connected. When people feel less thrilled about their life in general, it is common to try to change that by adressing their love life first, but that may not be the best way to start.

I never really thought about it like that. I think the two feelings did start around the same time

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have also gone through a moment of not being sure if I was in love with my SO. I was really struggling with whether I wanted to stay in the relationship. Turns out, it was just too much stress and worry about the future along with spending WAY too much time constantly together during a visit. My advice to you is to keep working on your "romantic" part of the relationship. Do the things that you normally would if you were as good as normal. If possible, wait until your next visit (3 months?) and take some time to explore your relationship and date a little. Do fun things and find your romance again. If after that visit you still don't feel in love with him at all, maybe it's time to consider moving on, but sometimes all you need is to rediscover the love that's been there all long!

[Dwessie]

All I have to say is this might defnitely just be about school, but also that these feelings are surprisingly normal when you're stressed.
Tam would probably cry if she knew how many days there were when life seemed dumb that I actually had to remind myself why I love her since I just plain forgot to that day. ><

[Dwessie]

I have also gone through a moment of not being sure if I was in love with my SO. I was really struggling with whether I wanted to stay in the relationship. Turns out, it was just too much stress and worry about the future along with spending WAY too much time constantly together during a visit. My advice to you is to keep working on your "romantic" part of the relationship. Do the things that you normally would if you were as good as normal. If possible, wait until your next visit (3 months?) and take some time to explore your relationship and date a little. Do fun things and find your romance again. If after that visit you still don't feel in love with him at all, maybe it's time to consider moving on, but sometimes all you need is to rediscover the love that's been there all long!

This is pretty much a way better version of what I was saying with the "Remind yourself why you love him" thing

[Wolv]

There is actually a scientific cause why people seem to become less inclined as the relationship progresses. During the infatuation and courtship stages, there is high hormonal secretion of adrenaline and this drives people to do many insane things for their partners. Over time, the "high" once associated with the beloved decreases. If the new feeling is one of peace and comfort – the relationship can proceed smoothly, but if one is expecting the high to remain – there will be difficulty adjusting to a different phase of relationship. Most people also do not understand conflict in their relationships. Perhaps less than 30% of conflicting issues in a loving relationship can be resolved quite easily, while 50-60% of conflict will be habitual. When we learn that some conflict will be habitual and learn ways to manage, rather than attempt to "solve" the conflict , then the couple can develop more realistic expectations

If you expect your love to remain the way it was when you started the relationship – you will likely be very disappointed. Everything in life changes – and love is no exception. Learn to recognize your unrealistic expectations for relationship – regular passionate sex, no conflict, joy at every thought of your beloved, etc. Because these changes do not mean that the love is dying, rather that it is maturing. Be alert to ways the relationship matures and keep focusing on what you and your partner can do together – not on what separates you.

[oinkpig329]

There is actually a scientific cause why people seem to become less inclined as the relationship progresses. During the infatuation and courtship stages, there is high hormonal secretion of adrenaline and this drives people to do many insane things for their partners. Over time, the "high" once associated with the beloved decreases. If the new feeling is one of peace and comfort – the relationship can proceed smoothly, but if one is expecting the high to remain – there will be difficulty adjusting to a different phase of relationship. Most people also do not understand conflict in their relationships. Perhaps less than 30% of conflicting issues in a loving relationship can be resolved quite easily, while 50-60% of conflict will be habitual. When we learn that some conflict will be habitual and learn ways to manage, rather than attempt to "solve" the conflict , then the couple can develop more realistic expectations

If you expect your love to remain the way it was when you started the relationship – you will likely be very disappointed. Everything in life changes – and love is no exception. Learn to recognize your unrealistic expectations for relationship – regular passionate sex, no conflict, joy at every thought of your beloved, etc. Because these changes do not mean that the love is dying, rather that it is maturing. Be alert to ways the relationship matures and keep focusing on what you and your partner can do together – not on what separates you.

All of this was going to be my response. Also, you may want to check out some articles by Sheryl Paul. Ignore the whole course thing, and just get a sense of what she's writing about. She has many helpful articles about expectations, etc.
I had a similar period of time where I was thinking I might have to break up with my SO. I realized that I was putting too much stress on our relationship. I had never had a relationship that lasted longer than a year (I always break up with them around then) and as we approached our one year I was afraid something similar would happen. I was stuck in this place of feeling like I had to decide either to marry him or break up with him. That was too much pressure. I certainly didn't want to break up with him, but I wasn't ready to marry him yet. Perhaps this is your situation. You're trying to force yourself to be ready for marriage with him since that's your plan, but your heart isn't quite following the plan. That difference is causing you stress and doubt when really you just need more time without so much pressure. Spend some time thinking about that and see how you feel then. (for follow up, my SO and I are at 1 years and 3 months and I am back to being very in love with him. It comes, it goes, and it's hard work sometimes) Best of luck to you!

[TaraMarie]

Relationships are WORK! And you have to work harder sometimes than you've had to In the past. I learned this when I was married. When you don't work at a relationship it WILL fall apart. And one person is always more in love than the other at certain times in every relationship. At the end of the day not everyone is lucky enough to be in love with their best friend. I agree with what others have said.....I think your problems may be blamed on school. And it is carrying over to your love life.

Where would you like to be 5 years down the road? And who do you see standing at your side? And on the day you take your last breath, who do you want holding your hand? If HE is the answer to those questions, then you know HE is the one who you are meant to be with.