Just found out....

[Moon]

Just my 2 cents here, but in the US there are tens of thousands of well off, stable adults who would adopt that baby and give it the best life it could ever hope to have. I realize you've taken care of children before but that's nothing, and I mean nothing compared to parenting one! I know because I was a teenage mom, with an extremely supportive family, and there is no way to prepare for what's about to happen. I was lucky as I at least graduated high school before having my daughter, I never would have been able to otherwise. Because I chose not to receive any government assistance (why should anyone else have to pay for my baby, that I decided to bring into this world), I worked at crappy, terrible, demeaning, low paying jobs for the next eight years, until I felt my daughter was old enough for me to go back to school (while still working my ass off). I should mention that her father was pretty much non-existent in her life, as usually is the case in these situations.

I gave up my youth. I don't regret it for an instant, but I do not recommend it! Sure, I could have pawned her off to somebody and went out with my friends, but she was my responsibility. I never, ever thought my life would change as drastically as it did. I was poor, I was tired, I was lonely, and had no way out until I could get back to school. My family was awesome, the best ever, but ultimately it was MY job to raise her, and I took that seriously, which is why she turned out wonderfully.

Do you really think that 13 year old is prepared to do that? It doesn't matter how many people are watching that kid, it's HER responsibility to make sure that kid, who didn't ask to be born, has a stable and strong upbringing! And are you really prepared to give up your youth to raise this kid? You have no idea exactly what that means, and how much you'll lose out on. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt! I implore you, if you have any influence, to encourage adoption. It's the most selfless act a person can do, and that child will have such a wonderful life. Your GF's sister can even do it openly and keep up with that child as it grows through pictures and letters, if she wants.

For the record, NO, I don't wish I had done that!! I was 18 when I had my daughter, which is so enormously different that 13 that words can't describe it! Plus I was responsible and changed my life over to her needs, mine no longer mattered. BTW, I'm not even the mommy type, honestly I really don't like (other people's) kids, so I'm not one of those "ohhhh...the chillllldryn!" people, so I'm not talking to you from that point of view. Sorry for the long post, but it's something I feel strongly about! I watched a former friend of mine at the time, a 19 year old, smoke pot with her two year old. Most people just don't make good parents while they're still kids themselves.

[XX, Lexi]

While I don't LIKE 13 years old having sex like there aren't any consequences, I do support all teenage mothers that actually WANT to try and raise the baby and go to school, as hard as I can only imagine it would be. I've seen Maury shows where teenagers don't realize just how hard it is to take care of a baby [I'm 19 and I don't wanna know! No kids for me yet >.>] and reality hits them smack in the face when they do find out just how hard it is.
I'm glad your girlfriend's sister has the support from you and her family, Swederica. Some teenagers, that I've seen/heard of, don't. Best of luck with everything =]

[XX, Lexi]

While I don't LIKE 13 years old having sex like there aren't any consequences, I do support all teenage mothers that actually WANT to try and raise the baby and go to school, as hard as I can only imagine it would be. I've seen Maury shows where teenagers don't realize just how hard it is to take care of a baby [I'm 19 and I don't wanna know! No kids for me yet >.>] and reality hits them smack in the face when they do find out just how hard it is.
I'm glad your girlfriend's sister has the support from you and her family, Swederica. Some teenagers, that I've seen/heard of, don't. Best of luck with everything =]

[LadyMarchHare]

Moon's completely right. Swederica, you really are a nice guy and you sound like you have the patience of a Saint on this, but it's not your responsibility to help raise the kid or even take charge. You're technically not family, you're not the father (and while I understand some people look way older/younger at certain stages, there's no excuse for lying about your age so she still is at fault for it as is the guy) so really the most you need to be doing is either showing her how to care for the thing or get a social worker to help assess whether or not this girl can actually handle a bouncing baby thing.

There's a population problem as it is, but responsible adults are willing to have open adoptions, which I mentioned earlier, so she's not taken away completely from the baby but can still grow up and be her own person without suffering and ultimately regretting keeping the kid because it ruined her own growing up process. From that history, it sounds like she's so far from ready it's not even funny, especially if she's having mood swings more severe than any other teenager has, that's a potential harmful situation.

Really I can't see anything positive about her keeping the kid.

[leonina]

I watched a former friend of mine at the time, a 19 year old, smoke pot with her two year old.

That made me feel so repulsed that I actually gagged as I read that.

[paulawriteslove]

Wow, that is crazy! That's good that you're there to support her though.

[Swederica]

I respect your opinion and understand what you're saying. I didn't claim it would be any kind of easy for any part.
But i see only one positive thing with her youth and that is that she may be young enough for her parents perhaps, after the initial reaction, to decide to unformally adopt the child. As i said that would just mean that nothing changes really and it would be technically like having a newborn sibling in the family. It doesn't mean that my gf's sister is out of responsibility however. But that is what i hope will happen.
Otherwise i will ofc try to make her realize the situation and consider adoption. She's stubborn though. If she puts her mind at something it's virtually impossible to change it.

[Swederica]

Moon's completely right. Swederica, you really are a nice guy and you sound like you have the patience of a Saint on this, but it's not your responsibility to help raise the kid or even take charge. You're technically not family, you're not the father (and while I understand some people look way older/younger at certain stages, there's no excuse for lying about your age so she still is at fault for it as is the guy) so really the most you need to be doing is either showing her how to care for the thing or get a social worker to help assess whether or not this girl can actually handle a bouncing baby thing.

There's a population problem as it is, but responsible adults are willing to have open adoptions, which I mentioned earlier, so she's not taken away completely from the baby but can still grow up and be her own person without suffering and ultimately regretting keeping the kid because it ruined her own growing up process. From that history, it sounds like she's so far from ready it's not even funny, especially if she's having mood swings more severe than any other teenager has, that's a potential harmful situation.

Really I can't see anything positive about her keeping the kid.

Ur right it is not my responsibility. I don't have to do anything if i didn't WANT to.
That's the thing. I want to help out. I'm that kind of guy, not trying to score impress points on an internetforum. I'm that kind of guy that is invited to his gfs familys dinner and immediately start doing the dishes. Then when his gf come and help out her mom also comes in and say something actually really mean "You two only do that to be able to stand next to eachother" but that is beside the point. Thing is i don't have to help her through this, i don't have to do the dishes. But i want to do those things. If people ask me to do things i always help them. In these two cases i do it even when noone has asked.

I will, as i've said before, try my best to make her put the child up for adoption, but only if that's the last resort.

[Moon]

It doesn't actually work that way. You can't "unformally" adopt your grandchild. You have to go through the court system to be named either the legal guardian, or formally adopt, otherwise you cannot, by law, make any decisions for the child including things like medical decisions, daycare settings, and registering for school. Just because the 13 year old is a minor does not mean legal responsibility for a baby falls to the parents, in many cases a state considers the barely teenaged mother emancipated, even though she still isn't allowed to make any decisions for herself.

This can cause serious repercussions later on, like say if the irresponsible child-mom decides to take off for a couple of weeks, and that kid gets sick or injured. Without the formality, the grandparents cannot make legal decisions on treatment without a hearing, and sometimes social workers and child welfare workers get involved. They can't even pick up the kid from daycare without consent. Nope, it's not as simple these days to just raise the kid as your own.

Oh, and she's 13! Pregnant or not, she doesn't get to make these choices herself, who cares how she feels? She's already shown she's a terrible decision maker and can't be trusted.

Look, you don't have to like what I say, but do me a favor and keep it in the back of your mind, it'll be useful later. Remember that the opinions I'm giving you are from someone who's actually been through this, not from watching it on that pregnant teen MTV show, OK?

[Tanja]

I know because I was a teenage mom, with an extremely supportive family, and there is no way to prepare for what's about to happen.

I gave up my youth. I don't regret it for an instant, but I do not recommend it! Sure, I could have pawned her off to somebody and went out with my friends, but she was my responsibility. I never, ever thought my life would change as drastically as it did.

I've been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt!

I was responsible and changed my life over to her needs, mine no longer mattered. BTW, I'm not even the mommy type, honestly I really don't like (other people's) kids, so I'm not one of those "ohhhh...the chillllldryn!" people, so I'm not talking to you from that point of view.

I have to agree 100% with this. I had my daughter at a young age (I turned 18 4 months after she was born). From what I've read Swederica, even though you and your gf will support this girl all the way her baby is not your responsibility. You've just moved to a new country, you're in a new situation yourself and now you're going to take care of this child every day if you have to and give up your life? Sorry but that is just not your job to do, the baby is not yours.

She is too young and immature to have a child, it doesn't matter if she looks 20, she's obviously not acting like it! Having sex, partying, dealing drugs (wtf???), doing jail time.... She can not even control her own life, how would she be able to take care of another human being? What if she goes out to party while she's pregnant, what if she drinks or does drugs? The baby can die or be born with a brain damage.

I can not believe after what you told she's like that she is seriusly concidering keeping this baby not to mention you and your gf supporting this idea. This baby deserves a happy home with 2 loving parents, not a mother that only leaves him/her for someone else to take care of when going out to live her life.

This was very harsh I know but these kind of things get my blood boiling!

[Swederica]

Nothing legal have to be done. Formally everything go through the mother, but in reality it's the grandparents who pay, partly takes care of the child etc.

She won't.

I care about how she feels. She's like my littlesister for crying out loud.

I am quite aware that you have gone through some stuff. But don't underestimate me either. I'm not fallen behind a wagon either.
I have never in my life watched that show btw. Stopped watching MTV long before i ever started.

[Moon]

Nothing legal have to be done. Formally everything go through the mother, but in reality it's the grandparents who pay, partly takes care of the child etc.

She won't.

I care about how she feels. She's like my littlesister for crying out loud.

I am quite aware that you have gone through some stuff. But don't underestimate me either. I'm not fallen behind a wagon either.
I have never in my life watched that show btw. Stopped watching MTV long before i ever started.

Wow, I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so unappreciative when receiving asked for advice! No worries dude, you'll find out on your own. I do suggest you find a library and read up on American law though, you have fallen behind the wagon there. Cheers.


LOL!!! You gave me a negative reputation mark, saying rude??? The last thing I am is rude. You asked, you received, you didn't like it. Don't worry, I won't retaliate and I'll stay miles from anything you ever post, since you can't handle it That's my last word on the subject.

[Swederica]

Wow, I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so unappreciative when receiving asked for advice! No worries dude, you'll find out on your own. I do suggest you find a library and read up on American law though, you have fallen behind the wagon there. Cheers.

If i shall be honest with you. I don't remember asking for advice. I remember sharing what's happening.
I remember appreciating your input. I don't remember however asking you to shove it down my throat.

I also remember saying that if my solution don't work out as i inteded it to i will do my utmost best to make her, on her own i believe in free will not so much in law honestly, realize the hardships and consider adoption. I remember saying i will not let that child suffer.

[LadyMarchHare]

Ur right it is not my responsibility. I don't have to do anything if i didn't WANT to.
That's the thing. I want to help out. I'm that kind of guy, not trying to score impress points on an internetforum. I'm that kind of guy that is invited to his gfs familys dinner and immediately start doing the dishes. Then when his gf come and help out her mom also comes in and say something actually really mean "You two only do that to be able to stand next to eachother" but that is beside the point. Thing is i don't have to help her through this, i don't have to do the dishes. But i want to do those things. If people ask me to do things i always help them. In these two cases i do it even when noone has asked.

I will, as i've said before, try my best to make her put the child up for adoption, but only if that's the last resort.

Like I said it's admirable that you WANT to do these things, but from what you've been saying it sounds like what you'd be doing is taking responsibility away from the girl and not really just being a go-to for knowledge or an assistant in raising the kid. Your intentions could be otherwise but it's almost like you're saying "I could raise this kid myself" which again, is not your right to do. By all means do help her and try to do what's best, but don't bear the brunt of the load or take the leadership position because it's not your place.

Moon has a lot of points and I think you're romanticizing the situation a bit instead of looking into the sad reality. Going into the grandparents adopting the kid, that's potentially dangerous later on once the kid finds out 'big sis' is really 'mom'. If she wasn't in the house it'd be fine, I had a friend whose grandparents adopted her when they're grown daughter didn't want her, but I think a lot more research on your part is needed to see just where things can go without messing someone up either once the kid is born or when the kid grows. I know you didn't ask for advice, but this is an advice forum if nothing else and even if we sound mean, we're trying to look after this girl's and her unborn child's best interest.

[squiddie]

Sorry my head exploded from "dating at 9"...considering my life revolved around softball, swimming, and hockey pretty much until I was 18, and boys were definitely gross until about 14, that blows my mind.

Swederica, in no way should you take responsibility for any of this. Whatever situation happens with your gf's sister and her family is up to them. You can't push ideas and responsibility on them. And honestly, I think outside adoption shouldn't be a last resort.

My mom was a nurse in the L&D and NICU for years, and trust me, in addition to being pregnant, she's going to have additional health problems, and it sounds like that kid will too. I remember sitting in the NICU with my mom when I was out of school sick one day (I was 12 at the time) and she and the other nurses there were basically waiting for a child to die. It had been born at 26 weeks, had almost no lung function, and was so small that the doctor who delivered him could hold him in her hand. The mother was my age.

That stuck with me.

Sometimes, you really need to just step back and let the cards fall how they will. You have no authority to get her to do anything; this has to fall on her parents.