Unfairness in a relationship?

[moi]

Having difficulty in my relationship and I need your advise...

I feel like our relationship is unfair. We have been together almost 4 years, and been married for 2 years and 2 months.

My husband, he wanted to attend college. The college is in the U.S. (I am in Japan) and at first he said he needed to go for a semester then transfer to one of the American college here in japan. One semester became two, and now this is his 4th or 5th semester. I lost count actually. Now he found a better school here and trying to transfer.

I get really frustrated with this situation a lot lately. He says he loves me and he thinks of me but I feel like I have been taking his demands too much but he does not take even my wishes.

This is our second marriage. He has a son and I have a son. He and ex shares custody but I have a sole. I do understand his situation and I do understand children come first.

As he is a student, I have helped him with monetary as well. When he wants to visit me I have paid a lot of money as international flights are quite expensive. He does have a job but it is not everyday, so he is not rich. I understand that. Or at least I try. When he had a car accident (it was other one's fault) I paid him for deductible but shortly after we got in a fight and apparently he needed a spade without telling me, and during that time I had a major health issue I needed his signature to do blood transfusion from the hospital but when I called/emailed he could not help me...

Money really matters of course even I have a stable job. I feel like I am doing a lot for his favour as I have spent at least 5,000 dollars for the fare and 500 dollars for his car, but when I needed his help, it is not even money but he could not do it.

Now, we are fighting. I have found a very cheap flight for him that I can pay now. And if he gets on it he will be arriving before Christmas. We have never spent Christmas together so I would like to get it. But... he has not decided when he is able to leave even though it has actually been 3 weeks since we started discussing about the date and he has always like I will let you know tomorrow.

As I said I understand he has a son but is it wrong me to think this is so unfair? This time is actually my first time I have been begging him to come back before Christmas other than that I always let him pick the dates and regardless of the price I have paid for them. He decides like a month or less so the costs of flight were quite expensive as the dates were close. And he still change dates and such for a few times... I feel like I am the one who has to be patient and not getting what I want.

Thanks for reading my story and I would love to hear your advise on what to do. Thank you.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what you think is unfair. If you guys are married, and you earn more than him, it is not unfair to expect you to pay for visits and extra expenses - in fact you are obliged to do so, at least that is what is says in the marriage laws of my country. If he is taking colleage so that he can earn more money for the Family in the long run, that sounds like a sound decition for you as a couple.

If you react to the fact that he is still in the US after two years, I am not sure why this is a problem if he has put in a transfer to go back to Japan.

what kind of help did you need that he did not give? What were his reasons for not providing the help?

It sounds like your biggest issue is that him being away prevents you from having holidays together, and perhaps his lack of ability to or interest in planning With you for the holidays. That I can understand. I was raging mad myself when I was indifferent as to weather or not we would spend NE together.

What are his reason for the constant change of dates? Is it related to his exams or his school?

[moi]

Thank you, different countries!

I guess my problem is not being able to spend times with him as much as I want...

It is not by law in my country, that to provide whichever is making more or so, but now I am a lot calmer than when I wrote this and I would expect the same.

The problem is, my husband started going, which I understand totally but at first he said it was just one semester to get a certificate he needed. He didn't really tell me what he was doing as we weren't married yet and I really believed in him. But it turned out that we are still far away... I guess I was very angry about that fact.

Last time he came, before that he was having problems with filing for his taxes. Somehow he couldn't claim me as his wife, so he had to do in a different way. So he extended 2 weeks. Then he missed a flight on that day... Had to pay 600 dollars with changing the dates and all the fees... I do have a job but it isn't that easy.

And in japan, before blood transfusion, or any kinds of surgery, we need to have a consent. And sometimes family has to sign as well as the one who has to go through. I asked him that I needed his signature but at that time he was too busy with his life and is fighting constantly he didn't pick up the phone to even to say hi. He says that he regrets it and I have minor blood issues that not so many people have and thank god it's not fatal but his act really got me. It was my very first blood transfusion and I was so scared. I think the problem is just the distance...

[zelda]

I would be frustrated, too. If this is his 4th or 5th semester, it sounds like he's been away more than with you during the time you've been married. I would be angry, too, since he said it was for just one semester. And the fact that he's "too busy" to contact you is troubling. It sounds like you guys need to take some time and talk things out, about expectations, the future, etc. It sounds like you are both just going through a tough time right now. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

in japan, before blood transfusion, or any kinds of surgery, we need to have a consent. And sometimes family has to sign as well as the one who has to go through. I asked him that I needed his signature but at that time he was too busy with his life and is fighting constantly he didn't pick up the phone to even to say hi. He says that he regrets it and I have minor blood issues that not so many people have and thank god it's not fatal but his act really got me. It was my very first blood transfusion and I was so scared.

What can be more important than a blood infusion? I can understand you are hurt by this.

[Ella85]

I think you need to try and talk to him about this rationally. I am trying to take a very neutral approach to the advice I am giving you as I get very upset when it comes to finances as my ex caused an awful lot of trouble and run me into a lot of debt while I supported him because he couldn't be bothered to apply for a visa.

So the advice I have is, you need to stop fighting and sit down and talk about it properly. Can you not sponsor him for a visa as he is your husband? Then he can come to Japan and just apply to college when he is there. If he comes over on a student visa he is just going to have to come back or you'll have to file to change the type. I don't know anything about Japanese law for this but I am assuming it's similar to the US and UK systems.

I understand that the children are important too, I'm a mother and my boyfriend and I both have kids, however he knew that when he married you, surely you didn't intend to spend your lives apart? College is bettering himself so he can get a better job for the family, but other things must be taken into consideration.

I'm sorry I can't give you anymore than this but I don't understand the situation fully.

[moi]

Thank you, Zelda!
It actually is longer than how long we've been married...
And with his busy schedules we can't really have time to sit down and talk unless I start crying. But that is actually bad because I would be crying and yelling you know? I do understand how busy he is I think and I have read somewhere that men arent multi task like women but it is just killing me so much actually. He is getting ready to transfer to a college here but I can't really see if he is getting ready to do so as I can't see. This is just driving me crazy and this actually leads to trust issue...

[moi]

Thank you again different countries!

Yes... I would freak out if my family had to go through... My husband doesn't know of course but I actually went crazy at the hospital since I couldn't contact him to get the consent signed... Not just hurt but I felt like I was drawing and calling for a help but I had to be drawn if you know what I mean. It was extremely tough and he says that he regrets but it's not that. I don't need apologies or words to comfort. Maybe this is the problem that I haven't gotten over yet but with the distance and me being paranoid from it, I feel like a bit of silence actually pulls me back to where it started.

[differentcountries]

My husband doesn't know of course but I actually went crazy at the hospital since I couldn't contact him to get the consent signed... Not just hurt but I felt like I was drawing and calling for a help but I had to be drawn if you know what I mean. It was extremely tough and he says that he regrets but it's not that. I don't need apologies or words to comfort.

As I understand it, at the hopspital you felt so alone and vounerable that it felt as if you were mentally drowning. Those are very strong words, and no doubt this is how you feel about the subject. You felt as if you were drowning, and he was not there to help you, and his apologies feel empty because his actions are not changing. Have you told him this, in this exact manner? I bet that will scare him to hear about. Maybe he needs to feel scared. Maybe that will help him speed up getting his ass over to Japan.

[moi]

Thank you Ella85!
I would love to have a proper conversation with him but me frustrated and him being way too busy with his life make it hard... And I do want to stop but frustration becomes anger... I know it's bad but it is just tough that we have limited time when we are away from each other.
I have no problem providing him a visa to japan. The visa system here seems lot easier (and for free if he applied in the U.S.) and he has done before and it was like one day thing so I am not too worried unless I know that I am in danger of losing my current job or so but I am not anywhere near that. On the other hand, applying for a visa to the US is lot harder. I need to wait at least 6 months (that's what everyone's experiences on the Internet) and lot more I need to go through.
When I married him, we were already apart. But he was like, one more semester to go through, that's what he was telling me so I trusted him and now... This is where I am at.

Thank you for your advise. Hope I get to talk to him properly soon. I tried today but he didn't answer.
By the way, I used to live in the UK. I was in merseyside.

[moi]

Thank you different countries!
Yes, yes, that was exactly how I felt... It is so difficult to express but thanks for understanding. Actually I have told him that he killed me when I needed to do the transfusion but I think that was too strong and too unrealistic unless I was dead that time to make him realise. But yes, the fear of not having him, and he actually neglected my favour back then I did lost a little bit of trust actually. I want it back if possible but as you said his actions aren't enough for me... Action speaks louder than words right? But I will email him what you said later on. Hope I can scare him even a bit. thank you!

[Zephii]

I think the problem is just the distance...

Personally, I think the problem is him, not the distance. That was really blunt and I'm sorry for my poor delivery, but there you have it. He isn't treating you as an equal. He isn't trying to meet your needs and he isn't showing you any respect.

Now usually I'm all like "in marriage all finances are combined yada yada" but honestly I think you have a right to be more than a little upset by how little regard he has for you. Basically, I think that you feel your relationship is unfair because it bloody well IS unfair.

What you can do about that, I don't know. I don't know what you are willing to do. You could start by talking to him or suggesting couple's counselling to help you both work through it (and so you actually feel heard) but I feel like there better be something amazing about this guy to warrant that kind of effort. What are you getting out of this marriage? And don't say "I love him" because as great as love is, it isn't all you need. Hell, it isn't even half. So, what is the pay-off for you putting up with his dishonesty, lack of respect and blatant disregard for how hard you work to earn the money he so happily squanders?

I'm sorry you are being put through this, and hope that a solution presents itself soon.