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**R&R** · October 4, 2015, 01:14 PM

I've offered this quote previously but I think it always stands repeating - "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they aren't loving you the best they know how". Really let that sink and and think about it and then go back and look at your post.

You have stated that it can be you setting expectations too high. This can be true. He also shows his affection in different ways than you. He isn't you and he isn't going to do it exactly the way you show him. That doesn't make it wrong and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't want the relationship. It means he goes about it differently. By trying to change how he shows his affection to you, you are trying to change part of who he is for your satisfaction instead of appreciating what he does do for you. You fell in love with him knowing this is how he is so don't try to change him. This is not his problem or issue - it's yours and you will need to figure out a way to accept him as he is.

**BaconGirl05** · October 4, 2015, 01:28 PM

I can definitely relate to this situation; my SO is the same way when it comes to affection. I text him in his morning and at his night, I try to show that I care for him and I love him. I don't really get the same back from him though. However, in the years being with him, I've learned that it's just his personality. Not all guys are good at showing affection in the way we want.

I know it's not always a good feeling when he doesn't show affection like you, but that does not mean he doesn't love you. He shows affection to you in his ways. As you said, he sees affections as spending time together and calling. When he does that, he's showing love towards you. It can be hard to dwell on something like this, but as R&R said, you need to find a way to accept him as he is.

Good luck hun xx

**differentcountries** · October 4, 2015, 03:02 PM

It sounds to me like you have different love languages. Yours might be compliments/words of affection and touch, his may be time together. The other two main languages are gifts and service/doing favours for the other person. Wanting to be loved through one's favourite language is a need for everyone.

I agree that it is importat to recognize the different ways your SO tries to show love (mine is always trying to do services for me, which I sometimes like, sometimes I think it is more annoying as I would prefer to do those things myself). Try to notice the love are trying to shre.

At the same time, people can to some degree learn to use another love language - just as they can learn new habits in general. I do train SO to be physically affectionate when we are together, as that is very important to me, we also find ways to do this on Skype. I try to watch my language with him, as he is very sensitive to wordings, good and bad. He love compliments far more than I do, so I give him them often.

Here are some info about the love languages: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

**oinkpig329** · October 4, 2015, 04:52 PM

We have both had conversations about the 5 love languages. Mine are physical touch and words of affirmation, and his are quality time and acts of service. He understands that they're different and what I need but he really struggles to implement. This is where I no longer know how to help him in this sense. He knows I need those words of affirmation yet he does not take the time to learn to give them, which is where I'm running into a wall. I know I need to accept him as he is, but I feel like learning how to love the other is a part of the work that needs to be put into a relationship and he's not doing that.

**R&R** · October 4, 2015, 05:15 PM

Originally posted by oinkpig329 View Post

We have both had conversations about the 5 love languages. Mine are physical touch and words of affirmation, and his are quality time and acts of service. He understands that they're different and what I need but he really struggles to implement. This is where I no longer know how to help him in this sense. He knows I need those words of affirmation yet he does not take the time to learn to give them, which is where I'm running into a wall. I know I need to accept him as he is, but I feel like learning how to love the other is a part of the work that needs to be put into a relationship and he's not doing that.

Is this a deal breaker for you? If he doesn't learn how to love you to your standards, is it over?

My SO loves me. Every time we talk, he tells me. Does he put the same amount of effort into doing the little things that I do for him, like sending cards or texts throughout the day? Nope. That's not his way. Does it mean he loves me any less than I love him? Certainly not. Now I could nag him about how he doesn't put in as much effort as I do and that he needs to step it up but all that would do would irritate him and aggravate me. I've accepted that we are different and he loves me in his way and I love him in mine. I think in today's world we put way to much emphasis on what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do have.

**differentcountries** · October 4, 2015, 05:19 PM

So, what does he have to say when you are complaining about the situation?

**oinkpig329** · October 4, 2015, 05:36 PM

Originally posted by differentcountries View Post

So, what does he have to say when you are complaining about the situation?

He understands the concept. He asks me to be patient with him as he learns. There are small improvements for a week or two and then it falls back to the usual until I remind him again. It's a repetitive cycle. I don't mind being patient, I just want to know that he will someday figure out how to love me and actually do it. It's like a skill that needs to be developed, but he's not taking the time to learn it. The concept of love languages tells me I'm not being unreasonable in asking to be loved in a certain way, but I do feel like that sometimes. I take time to be intentional about how he needs to be loved, and we've implemented a weekly skype date to give him that quality time. When I'm with him I make sure to do acts of service (like washing his dishes - his least favorite thing to do). I have learned these things over time, but I don't understand why he's not putting in that effort except when I'm constantly on him about it. I think perhaps the biggest thing is that words of affirmation mean so little to him that he doesn't understand why they're important to me. Since he doesn't understand WHY it's important (and not just words) he doesn't get how much it means to me and why it hurts at the lack of them. He's a thinker, so empathy isn't his strong suit.

**Ella85** · October 4, 2015, 05:41 PM

I am emotionally and physically affectionate. My boyfriend is affectionate in other ways. We compromise and work together on it. It works for us, even though we are very different people. It's like he has all the qualities I don't and he tells me I have his missing qualities so together we are a whole. It's how you handle it that defines your relationship. You have to work on it together.

**R&R** · October 4, 2015, 05:47 PM

I'm going to be honest here and I'm sure you'll disagree as other people may. If my SO told me that I had to "learn to love him" or "figure out how to love him" instead of being grateful for how much I love him and how I show it in my way - well he could learn to live without me instead and find someone who will bow to his every whim of what he requires for a love to be considered good enough for him. If you are not being abused mentally or physically, if he is loving you in his way and you know he loves you - I would think you would be happy.

And he's probably not putting effort into it unless you are complaining or nagging because you're in essence telling him that his love for you or how he loves you isn't good enough for you. You are telling him how he loves you is inadequate. If someone was always telling you how you do something isn't good enough, you'd probably finally just give up too. Maybe you need someone who is more compatible instead of someone you feel you need to change.

**AJG96** · October 4, 2015, 07:12 PM

My SO and I both definitely love quality time, however our ways of expressing love are vastly different. I express my love more in acts of service and words of affirmation department, while he expresses his love in gift giving and physical touch. We make that work for us, and while we can't have the physical touch part with the distance, quality time is definitely a big part of how we make things work i.e watching movies through Rabbit Cast and playing video games together. So, the two of us have the common ground of quality time. He does deliver words of affirmation from time to time, but I understand that it isn't his main love language. My SO has proved his love for me on countless occasions, and I have never once questioned it.

A relationship is work, and you need to learn to appreciate how he loves you rather than telling him how he should love you. Also, perhaps find a common love language like my SO and I have. That could help you appreciate how he shows his love and affection.

**Honour** · October 4, 2015, 07:45 PM

Compromise is the key here. If you can't compromise... well, perhaps you need to re-evaluate things in general.

**sasad** · October 4, 2015, 11:05 PM

I agree to a lot of what R&R says and some stuff about others...
I hate that people have to tell people how to love just because books and so called experts all tell us how people should be. Geeez ,my SO does not like pda's,but what he does when we are alone is so muc better then arguing about affection being shown in public. It's comfort levels, personalities etc. If you love each other, learn to accept things. If you are not being physically or emotionally abused, learn to grow together. Maybe they don't like the way you love, but they love you the way you are.
So many people don't get to find real love. Don't sweat the petty stuff. Embrace to good stuff.

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