Help! I went a little nutso and I think I've pushed my guy too far!

[Linlanae]

Hello all,
I'm new to this site but I'm desperately seeking advise.
I've been in a LDR with M for 2 years now. I live in the USA and he lives in Australia.

I went to visit him in June and we got engaged. Since then we've been working super hard to save the money for a fiancee visa and planning a wedding.

I'm not trying to make excuses but I've been overly stressed by this and by the realization that the time is coming to leave behind everything and everyone I know and love. The closer it gets to December, when we're filing for the visa, the more stressed I've become.

M is taking it all in stride like always. He doesn't really understand why I'm so stressed. Really he's just such a laid back guy that to him it's not a big deal. He's also not super close with his family as I am. I've tried multiple times to discuss it with him but I suppose I've said the same things so many times that he just gets preoccupied and barely listens.

It feels to me very selfish of him to dismiss my fears over and over. I've told him that I realize this may be getting old hearing this so many times but I need him to be my strength right now because although I'm not afraid to be with him, it is a lot for me to give up. I also realize that my behaviour has been needy and silly at times. I've apologized for that and again explained my needs.

The problem is that he recently moved to a city closer to most of his friends and while I want him to have fun and be happy, our relationship has suffered because of it. There is always someone around when we talk and just the past 2 weeks he's gone AWOL for a few days completely. Sometimes 2 days in a row.

For 2 years we've spoken daily and this separation, especially with how emotional Im feeling has been a bit of a breaking point for me. I've become accusatory, and bitchy.

I know this is my own insecurities and I'm trying very hard to work on it, but I still do need some sort of reassurance from him.

Just this morning, after he said he would call last night and didn't, I had a meltdown and completely morphed into THAT GIRL. You know the one. Needy. Whiney. Insecure.

I left a pretty harsh message for him which I know he saw, and then immediately tried calling him 3 times in a row. He did not answer. I'm not proud of this, but what's done is done. I haven't heard from him since.

I know he loves me very much and I obviously adore him, we are usually a very loving and fun couple but I'm terrified that all my silly crap is pushing him away.

At the same time, I don't feel it's unreasonable to ask for some extra love, attention, and support every once in a while, especially in a situation like this. Visas and weddings are very serious and stressful stuff!

Am I being unreasonable? Is he being callous or am I just over thinking it? Should I just give him some space?

Please offer your advise for me on this! Even if it's to criticize me. I can take it.

[JohnGoober]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Moving to another country is a huge deal for you since you're leaving a lot behind. Yes, you're overthinking a bit too much about it and getting stressed over. You should try to take some time off and enjoy your life over there, maybe a small vacation or hangout with your friends and then express how you really about this. But he feels a bit overwhelmed about all this and hence he's talking to you less. You guys should cool down and a bit and have a good proper talk about all this. Let us know how it goes, good luck. Don't stress. Things will get better.

[differentcountries]

Moving is a big deal, and a little tenseness can be useful because you become more careful. As for him, taking care of friendships are important and makes sure he is a happy fellow when you arrive.

That being said; You are probably stressing too much, but him focusing on his friends is not helping either. As for not talking every day, I hear you sister - we struggle with that too and it is very hard (in my SOs case, it is because of work).

Can I give you an advice? Try to not scold him. Generally, that only makes people want to protect themselves. That is not what you want.

My suggestion would be to sit down, with yourself, and write down some very concrete stuff that you will ask him to to, and tell him why. It can not be more than 3 things, so be sure to pick only the stuff that really matter to you, weather they are big or small.Don't accuse him - he is probably doing the best he knows as of now. Give him praise for his effort so far. Talk to him as if you are a team, and you are asking as him team-mate to run a little faster/slower, throw the ball a little harder/looser. Make sure that you ask him in such a way that he can say no - but also ask him without hinting and really tell him that this is important to you and why.

[Linlanae]

Thanks to both of you for the reply and excellent advise. We had a nice long talk last night and agree that yes, I need to calm my crazy self down a bit. But he also agreed that he can be a bit more supportive and will try to devote a bit more time to our relationship.

Now I just need to stop over thinking everything and trust that I've made the right decision in deciding to move to Aus. Easier said than done...lol, but I'm working on it! Thanks again.

[Hollandia]

Leaving your country, your family and your friends is a huge deal. It is probably good you have this realization now and not walk in thinking it will be easy. I love my SO, and our life together, but I miss USA so bad it hurts. Due to the expense of our LDR I have no travel cash anymore. We both left our countries a year ago and we are both homesick. Your SO is not leaving his and you are. I don't think it is wrong to say he should be understanding and really supportive of this. Don't overthink for sure, but he should not underthink.

I can't say how hard it will be for you, or not. It was not as hard first few months but holiday after holiday and birthday after birthday...it wears on you. Just mentally prepare yourself. I don't regret my choice a bit, life in USA without my SO or life away with him, was a no brainer....but it doesn't make it any less hard to do.

[differentcountries]

We are looking into uppertunities for SO to move here. We know it is not going to be easy. And knowing that is not being pessimistic, it is about life not blowing you up in the face. I have told SO that I regard us as being sort of long distance forever, because regardless of where we live, there will always be the challenges of going to visit friends and relatives in two countries. When SO comes here, I want to put up a sceme where he can easily call/be in contact with his family. If he stays here for a long time, we will have to make sure that we have money and vacation time to visit his country. Our long term plan includes buying a holiday house in his country. We will need to save up for visits. I know that when he comes here, I need to get hold of Turkish beer or he will go crazy. I also plan to become better at Turkish cooking and language. All these little things need to fall into place.

I know visits US-Australia are expensive, but do you have any plans for visits? Perhaps it would help you knowing that you will see your family and friends again.