Does she still want me or should I dump her?

[TheArtist]

I've been in a LDR since March with a wonderful lady, but over the past month I've noticed her pulling away. I realised it was me; I'd started getting really clingy and texting far too much, soppy stuff too, and I think it's kind of ruined things. She stopped answering texts and although I spoke to her last week and apologised for being such a clinger, she did say she wasn't sure where she wants to be in her life right now. She is about to start going through a divorce and we really don't see each other anywhere near enough, and I think that's the problem - the lack of physically being together in the same space. We get on amazingly well when we're together but apart I'm pretty weak and I'm fixing that right now.

We have agreed to give each other space for a couple of weeks but I'm not terribly convinced she's going to come back to me. What should I do? Dump her and cut the pain? Or sit in hope?

Thanks!

[Elizabeth123]

From the details you provide it seems as if you are both going through difficult times.
Here are my questions:
Do YOU want the relationship to survive? Where do you want to be in your life right now?
If so, make a time when you can both talk and discuss your feelings, thoughts, etc...

[TheArtist]

I really do, yes. That's the problem though, she doesn't seem totally sure. She's said how much she loves me and that she's so grateful to have found someone like me. She's even cried before that it was all so perfect that she was scared that it would just come crashing down like everything has in her past. The trouble is, she doesn't seem too interested right now...

[differentcountries]

Divorce can be very hard. If you care about her, you will wait for her to gather her energy. Sometimes, taking one step back is the best way forward.

[TheArtist]

Yes, you're right. She has filed for divorce although it's not actually begun yet. I don't like to bring things like that up as I don't feel it's my business and things are hard enough for the poor girl.

[Ella85]

I've been though a divorce and it is stressful and soul draining from the moment you start filing the paperwork. She needs you to be supportive. She is probably stressed and scared, not all divorces are straight forward as mine was, they are drawn out and can take a lot of negotiating, time, heart ache and money. Mine only took 5 months because I managed to get my ex to sign the paperwork. It can take so much longer and be so much more stressful. I would bet she is just stressed over the whole court procedures and what might happen with the divorce and thats why she doesn't seem as into the relationship as she was. I went though a stage where I couldn't eat well for about 3 months and lost about 60lbs because of it... it isn't an easy thing to go though.

[TheArtist]

Thanks Ella85. What kind of throws me is how active she is on Facebook. Not trying to sound like I'm following her around or anything, but each time I go on there there is a load of new stuff from her, maybe that's her way of dealing with it all as a kind of distraction, or maybe it's actually me. This is what I'm struggling with!

[differentcountries]

Thanks Ella85. What kind of throws me is how active she is on Facebook. Not trying to sound like I'm following her around or anything, but each time I go on there there is a load of new stuff from her, maybe that's her way of dealing with it all as a kind of distraction, or maybe it's actually me. This is what I'm struggling with!

My boyfriend is on Facebook all the time. He has a depressive reaction and is trying to distract himself. He has time and energy for that, and not for Skype with me. I know it is not me, he is just looking for something to focus on. At least he is not crying in some corner, but posting about politics and funny cats. What ever keeps him relatively happy.

Also, while my own divorce was very straightforward, it was also emotionally taxing. I had to find the right papers, fill them out the right way, my ex was in a bad mood and I actually ended up sending in the divorce papers myself because my ex was all like "I don't have time to get divorced. I am going to India for 5 months. It is not my problem" (my ex has become more charming since then, but that was the case as it happened), then my ex was angry at me for doing it the only possible wa, like "Why are you trying to control everthing. I just got home from India and got these provoking divorce papers in my mail". The byrocracy and trying to deal with someone who doesn't like you that much is not easy. And my divorce was smooth sailing compared to many breakups, because at least we only had two minor arguments over money and I was lucky enough that the bank would give me enough loan to keep the flat. When we broke up, I used to be sick a lot, like I was pregnant, and I cried everyday at work for 6 months even if I had a new boyfriend. I was mourning my old life. And there were so many phone calls to take to fix everything. It is really exhausting in the best of cases.

[TheArtist]

Thank you for explaining all that differentcountries, divorce is something I've never really experienced on any level but I'm sure it's very difficult. I think I should give her time and if, by the two week time we've agreed on, she does leave me then I guess that's the way it should be. Thank you so much for everyone's replies so far!

[hmrambling]

My suggestion is to talk to her about it. Strangers on the internet have no idea what she's thinking, what she's feeling, or what her motives are.

Communication is important in all relationships.

A woman who is getting a divorce is technically still married. It can be challenging to try to date someone who is still married. I tried. It didn't work. I had to remind myself that the woman was not 100% available to me because she was still married - it ultimately ended up with me breaking up with her. I had a moral dilemma with dating someone who was still married. (She had been separated for 3 or 4 years, and was procrastinating with the divorce. She really wasn't emotionally available for the relationship.)

Talk to her. Communication is key.

[TheArtist]

Yes I totally agree. The fact is she doesn't seem to want to talk or communicate in any way at the moment. It's making me kind of frustrated and I have thought about breaking it off quite a few times just today. It's a lot to carry emotionally when you don't know where it's going. Personally, as much as I want to be with her, I don't see her coming round to me at the moment.

[Honour]

Yes I totally agree. The fact is she doesn't seem to want to talk or communicate in any way at the moment. It's making me kind of frustrated and I have thought about breaking it off quite a few times just today. It's a lot to carry emotionally when you don't know where it's going. Personally, as much as I want to be with her, I don't see her coming round to me at the moment.

You need to give her time and support her when/where you can. I imagine divorces are very emotionally draining, and taxing on both parties. And being helpless isn't very energy-inspiring either. It's a give and take situation which could go either way depending on how both parties work through events.

[sasad]

A divorce is extremely difficult to go through. Depending on who initiated etc., there can be a lot of other stuff involved. Is it irreconcilable differences or adultery ? Who initiated it etc... I would assume no kids are involved..
I am currently waiting for my divorce and have to wait a full year in Virginia before I can even file. I am legally separated and have those papers filed. Its hard. Its emotionally draining even though we had nothing between us over the years.
People act differently under stress. Some shut down, some bounce all over. You need to let her find her space and work through her feelings.
Let her know that you are there for when she needs you. Those were some of the best words my SO ever said to me. Once I finally opened up, I never shut up
I hope it all works out for you both.

[TheArtist]

Thank you sasad. Her husband cheated on her a few years ago but they have a child together so it's a little more complicated. He's agreed to give her fully custody and pay for the upkeep of the boy too. I think it's just a case of finding a way of accepting that what they had in the past was great and now they're closing that chapter. I think that perhaps now she is in a place where she can finally come to terms with it and move on without the separated family and have something for herself, but she's finding it hard to let everything go as divorce is so final. Can't be easy at all.

[Unicorn26]

I am going through divorce at the minute. Although the marriage was dead years ago and we separated a long time ago, it took almost two years to get him to move out... It was incredibly stressful and at the time I had to focus solely on me and my children to ensure we were ok.

I shed many many tears throughout my marriage, so many that when he finally left it was a relief. I still went through a grieving period though, not for him, but for the life I would have had. I had to accept what he did, how he lied to me over and over, how he left me penniless in a heap of debt, how I would never have the opportunities that I had planned for, how I went without for years and years to try and clear the mortgage early so we could travel the world... All that was gone and it took me a long time to come to terms with that.

At the time my SO and I were very close friends but nothing had really progressed until one day we had an argument and he confessed to me that he was in love with me. I felt the same but I couldn't deal with it. I wasn't ready. I yelled at him about it and I shut him out. But despite all that, he never gave up on me. He was always there if I needed to talk and he always cheered me up when I was down. After a few months I was able to process the situation and I can honestly say that I could not have got through the whole thing without my SO and his quiet loyalty and commitment to me. I will always carry guilt about what I did to him but I really needed some head space.

I guess what I'm trying to say (but I'm rambling badly) is give her space. Be there for her if she needs you and be available to her, but don't push her into something she's not ready for. If it's meant to be it will be. I hope things work out well for you.