Just want to vent here...

[underthewater]

So I just started a LDR with my boyfriend of 6 months for 10 days, he's now in Hong Kong. I asked him before if I was the first Chinese girl he had ever dated and he said yes. He loves Chinese culture but he said he never dated Chinese girls before even when he was an exchange student in Hong Kong.

Today I found out that an Asian looking girl was on my bf's facebook friend's list (her profile is one of the few profiles you can see on his front page today), I didn't really think too much when I clicked her name but then I surprisingly found out my bf's old roommates were me and this girl's "common friends"!

I quickly put two and two together and figured out this must be a girl he used to date. So I asked my bf just now on phone. When I first said her name, he said "it's someone I know", then I asked if they'd dated and he admitted. I was like "but you said you hadn't dated Chinese girls before me!" Guess what he said?! He said "You told me how different Chinese girls and Hong Kong girls are, she's from Hong Kong!"

Ok, a bit background information here: Hong Kong is a "Special Administration Region" of People's Republic of China because of its colonial history, therefore we normally call Hong Kong "Hong Kong" and mainland China "China" as culturally Hong Kong is very different from mainland China. But I think when westerners use the word "Chinese", of course Hong Kong people are a kind of Chinese!

My boyfriend is 9 years older than me so of course he had dated other girls before, it's just not pleasant to figure out that I'm not the first "Chinese" girl he ever dated that way (I used to feel pretty "special" because of it)! I kind of feel that he tricked me on this by defining the word "Chinese" in a different way.

I don't really think he cheated or anything like that, in fact he's a bit too blunt and honest sometimes. But still...I don't know:< I asked some details of my bf and this girl's history and he told me-which honestly didn't make me feel any better! I said to him at the end of phone call that I was sorry if I sounded a little insecure tonight, and I'd send him a text when I digest this information and feel better. So I'm now trying to "let it go" and some perspectives will be really appreciated here!

[leonina]

Yeah I think you should definitely just let it go. Boys (sorry I will be stereotypical) tend to be a little oblivious to certain things, and he probably genuinely believed that because she was from Hong Kong it didn't mean she was from China (hey, even I really didn't know the difference before you wrote that information). When I asked my boyfriend how many people he had ever dated, he told me two, but then I recently found out that his definition of 'dated' was different than mine and that number was actually 5!

Oh well, I guess I should have been more specific. But it doesn't change how I feel about him or my opinion of him.

Good luck

[Silviar]

I can understand why it's frustrating, but I have to agree with some people (and I try not to point out boys, but, well...) are just oblivious.

Of course, if he's oblivious about lots of things, that's a whole other issue and terribly obnoxious.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, to be a bit blunt myself, it doesn't matter and it is something you need to learn to get over. The guy was ignorant on the difference between Hong Kong and China as far as race, it wasn't an intentional lie and this girl is in his past regardless of whether or not she's one of his friends on Facebook. Some people break up and remain friends, some just keep in touch, it never means there's still something between them.

I know a lot of people have trouble getting over their SO's past, especially after knowing details (which personally you didn't need knowing, no one really does, but I know our curiousity eats at us) but in the end there's always a reason why these people are the past and not the present or even the future.

[underthewater]

Thanks everyone! Well, he said he's not in touch with her for years and he said himself that if I didn't like it that way, he could just delete her profile from his friend list. So I'm not really worried about them still being together or something like that. Yeah, I probably shouldn't even ask for any details, it's uncomfortable to know things...He told me they were together for 1.5 years and I just felt...jealous of how much time they spent together! Ugh! In Chinese we say "Lifting a heavy stone and dropping it on one's own feet":<

[Moon]

In Chinese we say "Lifting a heavy stone and dropping it on one's own feet"

Good saying, I'll need to remember it!

Like everyone said, don't worry about it, I'm sure it was an honest mistake by him, and too small to make into a problem. Why don't you instead tease him about his poor geography skills? It'll get the point across. You can't be jealous of his past, we've all got one and they can't be changed, so you've just gotta let the old stuff go or you'll have a lot of trouble looking towards the future.

[Tanja]

The most important thing is that the girl is his past, YOU are his present and hopefully his future! Keep your chin up

[paulawriteslove]

Take a deep breath and try to relax! You are his present now and should focus on that

[pytsip]

out of curiosity, what was the initial reason for wanting to know if he ever dated any other Chinese girls?

[underthewater]

^I didn't even ask, he said himself at the beginning of the relationship!