Can people remain friends after they have been in love online?

[PamelaP]

Hi guys...I'm new here but I want to share some details of my story...I met this guy online almost three years ago, we were deeply in love..as far as I know but still didn't met. Year ago everything got fucked up so we argued a lot...the weird thing is that we always came back to each other after x time...or he would message me first or I would..and I sometimes feel like we can't let go of each other..over the last few months we hardly ever communicated ..as I was trying to let go..but he always came back..we are now more like friends or Idk...I'm still in love with him that's why I keep him in my life...recently we spoke more often and he was revealing subtle messages of wanting to meet me this summer...but I know that he probably would disappear again and come back month later...sometimes I feel like I'm being used and I know I'm stupid for that...he tried to let me go..I did too but at the end we both failed and ran back to each other to exchange a meaningless convo...as this quote says.."If two past lovers can remain friends, its either they are still in love, or never were."
I agree because I'm sill in love with him but Idk about him...he's so confusing..he like tries hard to pretend to be my friend and nothing more and we can't be it right because it's awkward...so tell me can we remain friends...is it possible that he stopped loving me and I am stuck here?

[ronjaandbirk]

This sounds familiar. I was in this exact situation with my now boyfriend. He said he would be my "friend" because ling dustance wasnt for him, but the truth was in that phase it was just stringing me along. I only got hurt out of it for a long time. I finally cut contact because i didnt think it was fair for him to have me around on only his terms. I don't know who ended it in your case, but if he did thats what I would advise you to do aswell.

I kept busy, I went on a student exchange which kept me more engaged than ever, and it hurt like hell, but eventually I got better. I got good even. We got back in contact more by accident 2 years later, but by then I knew I would survive without him.

We are together now and happy tho. He's my soulmate and I guess in the end actually losing me too made him aware that long distance might be for him too

But what I learned from the whole story is that a relationship, any kind of relationship is only worth something if both parties truly benefit from it equally. Otherwise, in the weaker position at least, you are really better of without it.

[gyaru]

i've been in the same situation too. he wanted a break up few months ago.honestly i couldn't accept that, i still kept looking for him but felt like he's not the guy that i used to know,colder...maybe he's trying to keep the distance with me but like in your case,everytime i tried to stop looking for him,he would message me just to say hi or said good night to me and i was soo happy when he did that but i was afraid that he maybe just needed someone to talk to and he knew i would talk to him (i told him many times i still loved him much),my friend told me he just missed the daily conversation that we used to have,nothing more.

i did try to cut contact but it seemed so hard for me,it's a more than 6 years relationship and i still don't know what to do :/

i hope you're stronger than me to cut contact with him or you'll be drowning yourself like me,i'm still struggling to get out of this situation

[PamelaP]

Yes...that sucks I feel bad for you, but why do the cut contact with me too? Like how's that hard for him....he can do it easy because by my assumptions he seems like he's done with the love part..but questions keep popping up in my head...Idk for how long I'm gonna wait bug if he's not willing to meet me by the end of this year or by the beginning of the next I'd try really cut contacts with him so he would be surprised yet see that I realized it finally and don't want him back. I'm in question tho....if we still talk from time to time...what is that..a friendship..I talk to him because I love him but in his case why...I asked him before..why do we even talk he said I don't know tbh..and that's where I left it. I'm so confused

[PamelaP]

You are very lucky to have met him...I'm still struggling a lot..I'm sure that if me and him met he would treat me so well..we might get intimate..he would behave with me like more than a friend and eventually date...but it's just the distance that makes it so hard and awkward at the same time..I don't know what to do anymore..wait or?...Idk time will tell.

[Unicorn26]

How far away are you guys from each other? Is there any reason why you can't meet?

I met my SO online but it took 3 years for us to meet in person as there were huge complications that put the brakes on things. I totally understand your frustrations as I went through them myself and it was really tough. One thing my SO never ever did though was mind games. It seems he is playing with your emotions and that's not right. If he loves you, he will show it. You will just know.

If there is not a valid reason why you cannot meet in person I would be concerned. Have you ever video chatted?

I would set yourself a target date. Say Spring, if there are not definite plans to meet by the end of March, like tickets bought etc, then walk away. It's not worth wasting anymore time on this guy if he's not going to move it forward and it sounds like he's not that interested in doing that.

It's very difficult to stay friends with someone you still haven't moved on from. You will just cause yourself anguish and pain, it's better to just delete them from your life which is so much easier if the relationship is purely online. It would be way harder if you were bumping into him every time you left the house.

You need to think of you here. Look after yourself first. You deserve someone who thinks the sun shines out of your ass whatever happens, not someone who only wants a relationship when they're bored.

[PamelaP]

How far away are you guys from each other? Is there any reason why you can't meet?

I met my SO online but it took 3 years for us to meet in person as there were huge complications that put the brakes on things. I totally understand your frustrations as I went through them myself and it was really tough. One thing my SO never ever did though was mind games. It seems he is playing with your emotions and that's not right. If he loves you, he will show it. You will just know.

If there is not a valid reason why you cannot meet in person I would be concerned. Have you ever video chatted?

I would set yourself a target date. Say Spring, if there are not definite plans to meet by the end of March, like tickets bought etc, then walk away. It's not worth wasting anymore time on this guy if he's not going to move it forward and it sounds like he's not that interested in doing that.

Hi, we are not that far...we are both from Europe. The thing here is that the story is long and complicated..at first I pretened to be someone else for an year he found out but still stayed in my life.. showed his feelings...but I kept complicating things..I was hard to deal with he kept blocking me few times and unblocking me again. I sometimes wondered how could he handle so much...and how could I handle so much shit..but yet surprisingly we are here and can't let go of each other...he used to hide his feelings from me so I am doing the same out of fear of being hurt....truth is over time I stopped being so needy so we get along well...but I don't feel happy the way things are...I'm not ready to meet him because it's still so awkward with me and I bet it's the same with him...we of course video chatted..but now I'm on the verge of giving up completely or hold on a little just a little more and hope that we really do start doing something about this distance.

[sasad]

I agree with Unicorn26...
Also, how do you define friend? How have you been supported by or anything with this guy? Is he there for you when you need support or help ....are you there for him ?Do you just drop everything when he contacts you? Friendships and love should have mutual respect and communication. I'm not saying no arguments etc., but it's a two way street. Subtle messages, thennocommunication does not sound like that is going anywhere fast. You should be able to set a date and talk about it. Honestly, you sound like the "go to girl". No one else is in his life at that time, so he contacts you. Again, never any promises...
i am not saying you don't love him. But maybe take a step or two back and look at the bigger picture and not at the moment.

[PamelaP]

I agree with Unicorn26...
Also, how do you define friend? How have you been supported by or anything with this guy? Is he there for you when you need support or help ....are you there for him ?Do you just drop everything when he contacts you? Friendships and love should have mutual respect and communication. I'm not saying no arguments etc., but it's a two way street. Subtle messages, thennocommunication does not sound like that is going anywhere fast. You should be able to set a date and talk about it. Honestly, you sound like the "go to girl". No one else is in his life at that time, so he contacts you. Again, never any promises...
i am not saying you don't love him. But maybe take a step or two back and look at the bigger picture and not at the moment.

Our friendship is a weird one, we didn't talk about hardships that are going on in our lives, nothing really happened for me to ask for support...for him..well at times..I tried to help him but he didn't wanted help..always saying he was fine...but I know him and he has always been like that..he doesn't like talking about his problems with people..so as the same for me..it's stupid I know but we prefer to deal with them on our own. But he's also "go to boy" no one else is in my life so I contact him...I think we are both acting immature...and one of use waits for the other to step out of the comfort zone and talk about meeting for real...when he mentioned meeting me going there to him I can't because people will question it and so as the same for him coming here...so truth is both of us are not really that ready because we need to built a better solid friendship and forgive and forget about the pain we caused in the past. I think we are both stuck in the past when it comes to our friendship... I wouldn't wait another year after another anymore..or it happens next year once and for all or never again.

[Unconditional]

I feel only if you started off as platonic friends then there may be a chance i personally don't contact any of my exes in any way.

[Honour]

I met my ex 5 years ago, he was 15 and I was 17. Together for 3 years on and off, stopped talking various times, then the last time we stopped talking we didn't speak for over a year. 2 weeks ago he contacted me out of the blue and he said he wanted to be friends again. I was suspicious at the time, but it wasn't necessary. He's got someone, I've got someone, we're just gaming friends now. I fell out of my feelings after a few years. I'm sorry, but I think you care for him and don't want to let go, but he is trying to let go and doesn't care in the same modicum you obviously do. I was in this position once with said ex. Sometimes you can stay friends, other times you can't, but I feel for your own sake... it might be best to let this go, because the constant doubt will do you no good. With my ex, I know where he stands, he knows where I stand, no lines are to be crossed and I know if he tried, I'd let him know and would put my foot down. This guy, Pam? I don't think you could do that with him because of the way he's responded to you over the time you've known him.

[MissButterfly]

People in general, yes I think they can remain friends sometimes. Your specific case, doesn't sound like it's going to work. You can only be friends of neither of the two people has feelings for each other anymore, which you clearly do. I'm still struggling to find a balance with my ex. Rationally, I really don't want him back. But we've always been good gaming friends, which is what I would like to remain. Every time we talk about 'the good old days' I start thinking what if.... but it's not healthy. You can only be friends if you let go of your hope for a relationship completely, otherwise you'll just always be wondering if he would maybe want more again.

[Ejoriah]

I think there may have been too much drama in the beginning of your relationship for it to have the kind of stability friendships require. Sometimes people say they want to be friends because they don't want to hurt you, and then they slowly phase out of your life. As you still have feelings for him, it's a good idea to step back and heal without expecting anything from him.

[PamelaP]

I met my ex 5 years ago, he was 15 and I was 17. Together for 3 years on and off, stopped talking various times, then the last time we stopped talking we didn't speak for over a year. 2 weeks ago he contacted me out of the blue and he said he wanted to be friends again. I was suspicious at the time, but it wasn't necessary. He's got someone, I've got someone, we're just gaming friends now. I fell out of my feelings after a few years. I'm sorry, but I think you care for him and don't want to let go, but he is trying to let go and doesn't care in the same modicum you obviously do. I was in this position once with said ex. Sometimes you can stay friends, other times you can't, but I feel for your own sake... it might be best to let this go, because the constant doubt will do you no good. With my ex, I know where he stands, he knows where I stand, no lines are to be crossed and I know if he tried, I'd let him know and would put my foot down. This guy, Pam? I don't think you could do that with him because of the way he's responded to you over the time you've known him.

I've tried...and keep trying but...you didn't read the rest of the responses I typed to people...that I pretened to be someone else that he was about to meet me but I gave him false hopes..from there he lost more hope more than ever..and slowly started to get more shit...and kept each other for unknown reasons. It's a long story.

[sasad]

So your initial relationship was based off lies. And you both keep hurting each other.