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[twentynine11]

I've tried for the past 3 or 4 days to express to my SO that I feel like there is more distant between us than just geographically. Medical school is his top priority above anything and everyone else and I feel extremely unimportant to him. I have been pretty frantic about it lately. He thinks everything will be fine, I just need to relax. He hasn't shown me much compassion. I understand where he is coming from, but harsh comments from him make me wish I didn't care so much. It hurts. In a sense, I feel like I'm the only one that does care and the only one fighting for this. Am I just being crazy/too sensitive and overthinking things or are we really falling apart? Is this all in my head because I miss him so much?

[snow]

What are some of the harsh comments coming from him?

[twentynine11]

I couldn't do anything but cry the other night, so he said "if you would get your head out of your butt and stop crying...". He neglects me emotionally.
I sent him a picture yesterday, I got no response.
I ask him if he thinks we are going to be ok, He says "yea, if you would just relax"

[Miasmata]

A better title for the thread would definitely help, for clarity!

Do you know any reason why he's so short and rude with you? Is he under a lot of stress, is he not taking what you say seriously? It sounds like you're both not doing well and need to get back to an even ground. Especially in situations like this, as hard as it is, you both gotta focus and pull in the same direction together. Definitely bring this up with him, because it's not okay if you feel emotionally neglected, but try making it a calm and honest conversation, not an accusation. I hope things mellow out for you both!

[twentynine11]

Having a conversation with him about it at this point will do no good. He will only shut me down. He is not in touch with emotions at all and the short/rude behavior is normal for him.
At this point, I think the relationship is nothing to him. School and himself are more important.

[Ejoriah]

I haven't gone to medical school myself, but from what I know it is a huuuge amount of work (and for good reason - when I go to the doctor I expect them to know their stuff completely!). Unfortunately that does mean making school a priority. From his harsh comments to you I think he might feel like you are not being supportive of him, and focusing on yourself and your pain instead of the strain he is under. I am not saying he is right, just trying to offer some possible perspective.

Is there any way you can go visit him soon? It might be helpful to talk about things like these face to face.

[bartinkopl]

Let him calm down a little bit (I know this sounds like a hard thing) and try to get on this topic once again with him. Tell him about things you see as bad in his behaviour and tell him that it has to change, cause it's not right that one person in a relationship feels neglected. How much time left to your next meeting?

[differentcountries]

I couldn't do anything but cry the other night, so he said "if you would get your head out of your butt and stop crying...". He neglects me emotionally.
I sent him a picture yesterday, I got no response.
I ask him if he thinks we are going to be ok, He says "yea, if you would just relax"

If I may suggest something.... I understand that this must be extremely hard for you and so your tears flow. At the same time, crying is probably very far from where he is emotionally. I am a cryer myself, SO not so much, and what often works with him is to point out that I am probably crying because I am upset and that he should be concerned with that. Also, to focus not on big issues like "taking care of someone emotionally" or "relaxing", but something more concrete like; how often and how to be in touch, a sceme for visits and so on. The aim must be to find a compromise. He will never be able to do everything you want him to while also taking a taxing education, but if you can make some suggestions (have a non-reading day on Sundays or similar) that you can both measure if gets done or not.

Don't sweat the small stuff. If you need responses on your pics, send them at a time where you know he is available to that. I neve write SO letters in the summer, or send him stuff online, because I know in high season he is not emotionally available for that and I also don't want to hurt myself by expecting things that will never happen. I understand your SO due to med school is probably often busy, but I suppose there are times where he is less bus than others. Another option could be to send him pics while you are Skyping /when you already have his attention.

I really feel for you. It is very devesating to feel alone in a relationship. SO and I was in a dump not that long a while back. A big part of the problem was, he was treating me just as he was treating himself - very harsh and with the idea that just going on like a soldier would make everyone happy in the end. There IS something to be said for preserverence and for sticking it out - but you also need areas to connect, with yourself and with others. Look long and hard into yourself on what you would prefferably want and what you are willing to live with, and ask him the same. Reach out to him as your team-mate. It is so important to take care of the friendship part, too. A face to face convesation is prefferable - especially if things will escalate before they get better, it is very helpful to be able to be in the same room and to use physical closeness to connect.

[hmrambling]

Medical school is his top priority above anything and everyone else

People First, Then Money, Then Things - Suzi Orman

I remind myself of this when things get crazy with work. I remind myself to put people first. When I don't put people first, that is a reflection of me, it is not a reflection of how important people actually are.

So if your SO doesn't make you a priority, that's on him. Don't internalize it or let it define your worth. I understand it hurts. If you have communicated to him that it's important that he be more compassionate, and he doesn't respect your wishes, what does that say about him? We teach people how to treat us. What we allow is what will continue.

[sasad]

Med school is hard. Very hard. One of the first things they tell you is school first, then family.
Its stressful and a lot of information being thrown at you. A lot of people drop out the first year due to stress.

I would take a step back. Try to be more upbeat and not so intense with a lot of emotions. He is being bombarded with that all.day.long. Its like Ejoriah said..maybe he needs the support as well. Try to keep it more light hearted and open.
Its hard when both of you are feeling stresses and uptight at the same time. Trying to find the balance is important and key.

Can you go visit him anytime?

[snow_girl]

I can tell you that dealing with a constant crier/overly emotional person would put me in a curt mood. Try speaking in logical terms to him not in an emotional one

[differentcountries]

Perhaps it would help you to write down how you feel and what you think would be helpful. Perhaps sort of reherse what you want to say, like a speach, or write it to him for you two to discuss afterwords. Underline that while people can be "understanding" for a while, that is very difficult to do for years. You will need something from him to feel that he cares extra much. Medical school is the circumstance, but people deal with it differently, he can not just say it is school. Your reactions are genuine, but you also control how you are with him, you could go about things differently the both of you.

Examine yourself, so that you know what to ask for. For intance, for me, touch and focused attention is important, which is why I need SO to Skype with me (I feel that he "touches" me over Skype) and on visits touch my hair when I cuddle up to him. I also like small gifts, even if just a single rose or something practical, like clothes pegs when the old ones are worn out. I like to sometimes hear compliments and praiseful words, although that is more important for SO than it is for me (he gets truely broken if you say something bad to him, and beams with joy even if I simply say he is handsome or clever). I don't have that much need for practical services, although I love when he does simple things like make me tea and of course help me with planning visits and visas. I also love it when we laugh together or have an easy tone between us. I have a need for us to be honest, although of course we don't have to share everything all the time. I know he is a sucher for compliments, which is why, even while we were fighting, I was complimenting him like my life depended on it, spicing my criticism with compliments. I know he apprecates quality time as I do, I know it is painful for him to be without as well and a relief to have it with me.

What do you need? What do you want to ask of him? Is there something you can offer him (for instance not cry while you discuss things, or initiate something joyful after you have the serious conversation, so you show by example that a relationship should be both serious and fun etc.)?

[twentynine11]

Is there any way you can go visit him soon? It might be helpful to talk about things like these face to face.

Actually, last weekend I asked him on Friday if my son and I could drive down and come see him for the weekend. He told me it wasn't a "good time" and left it at that. I thought that meant he had a lot to study that weekend. That Saturday night, I called him and he did not answer my call (we hadn't talked on the phone in a week at that point). He told me he was at a Halloween party with his friend. I tried to let it go, but it upset me that he denied seeing us and also that he didn't tell me the real reason why he didn't want us to come.
I don't blame him for going to the Halloween party with med students, he deserves a break. I just really felt left out and unimportant.

Thank you all for the advice. I'm reading each one and trying to apply it the best way possible.
I think the biggest problem is that I don't get what I expect out of him, so I become disappointed. I don't want to, but it's easier for me to leave him alone, only speak when spoken to, and make my replies short. Basically, act a lot like him. It seems like this is what he wants anyway.

[sasad]

Oh my gosh. Don't change you to be the way he wants and expects. If you aren't yourself, then you are nobody.
I do understand the weekend visit thing though. He should have explained that to you better. I know understand how you feel with that situation.
Take a step back and put the ball in his court for a bit.