Considering New Years Proposal

[spanglishjoe]

Hi Everybody,

I want to ask your opinion on an issue I know has come up before in the ldr community, but is rare to find examples of online.

How soon is too soon to propose in an international never-met-before LDR? For context, we’re both 28 and the proposal date in mind is when we meet in Costa Rica in January, with the proposal events planned to occur on New Years Eve (already partially arranged). I know that she’d say yes because we have discussed it openly, in addition to googling issues that are important to know when thinking about marriage (i.e. financial, kids, career dreams, location, etc.). Logistically, there is no issue (except time and a tighter budget for a few months) buying her a ring and bringing her over on a K1 visa. I’m not rich, but I make enough to support us, and will hopefully find myself a raise/new job before she comes over since she’d come in fall 2016 after I complete my graduate degree in May (full time employee, part time mba student). I 100% know that she would be coming for me. Our plan would be to stay in my current city for at least the first two years together so she’d have the support of my family, could pass an English proficiency test (she’s pretty much fluent, but would benefit from the confidence), and then she could start studying for her elementary teaching license or find a an HR coordinator job like she currently works in Honduras, depending which career path she decides is her dream.

It would be a 6 month proposal if we do it on new years, and it would be our first meet up (important to note). Then I would visit her over holy week and we would try to bring her to visit my family for a week in july (depending on visa). Then the big move in fall, with eventual marriage. She was actually denied when she first applied for a visa to visit the US last November. She has family in New Orleans and has a difficult case to prove she won’t stay, given her age, income, and family ties to the us. She wants to try again on her own to prove to herself that she can get it after Costa Rica (I support her, but don’t know if she’ll get it); she also wants the K1 with me, since the former would just be for an early summer visit.

In terms of family reactions, she tells me that her family would respect her decision as an adult and be happy for her. This past week, my mom directly asked me if I plan to propose to her, and I told my mom the truth. It wasn’t something I wanted to share so soon, but I figure it’s better to be honest now than to deceive them. I know my parents will always love and support us, but I know they don’t approve of a proposal on the first meeting, stressing that marriage is challenging and it took them three years of dating to get engaged (traditional relationship). My mom likes my SO (they have talked on Skype with me present), but she has trouble understanding how it can be called a relationship without the physical act of being together. That said, I’d like to think that when you know, you know, and why delay it more than the legal system will. I have high communication and trust with my SO, we’re not ignorant to the challenges ahead of us. We view marriage as religious, sacred, and an ultimate commitment. We are committed. We don't want to end in divorce like my parents worry about. I think that sometimes you need to have faith.

What are your thoughts, suggestions? I appreciate honesty, no matter the content. Thanks for weighing in and feel free to ask if you need to know more.

[sasad]

Personally, I would meet up first. Knowing someone over Skype, email and text can be very different when you meet in real life. There has been times when people have been great online, but just couldn't make it after the meet up. There was one person on here a few weeks ago that had that happen to her. How long will you be together in RL before you propose? If it's real, it's real. I wouldn't tell her or set anything in stone until you see and interact when you are physically together for more then a week..... Just my 2 cents worth...

[bartinkopl]

I think personally that it's a bit too fast to propose at the first meeting - even if you both want it. You cannot fully get to know the person you're talking to only through Internet. You have to know how the person acts in a normal talk, how your SO treats other people etc. See how your meeting goes and make sure that it's exactly that one and only person.

[Honour]

I'd definitely meet up at least once before hand. It could be on the first meeting, but you must be 100% sure that it's what you both want and that it's the correct choice before committing to engagement. Otherwise, one or both of you might get cold feet and it could be the end of your relationship.

[Ejoriah]

Yeah, I think the majority of people here will tell you to have at least one meeting before proposing. Even if you think you know this person extremely well and just know you are going to marry her, see it from a practical stand point: when having to prove your relationship to immigration officials, it is going to look highly suspicious that you have only met one time and are now bringing her over. I know you said you're planning more visits, but if you want her to come in the fall you're going to have to apply for the K-1 pretty soon after you propose, because those things take time.

[hmrambling]

Relationship began 06/08/2015

Wow.

Statistics show that of the marriages that last 10+ years, most couples date 2.5 to 3 years before becoming engaged. I've been researching this myself for about the past month, which is how I am certain of the statistic. There are stages in a relationship, and there is a really good chance that if the relationship began 6/8/15, then you guys are still in the infatuation stage. There's still so much to learn.

I don't want to deter you from the proposal, but did want to give you some food for thought.

[sasad]

Relationship began 06/08/2015

Wow.

Statistics show that of the marriages that last 10+ years, most couples date 2.5 to 3 years before becoming engaged. I've been researching this myself for about the past month, which is how I am certain of the statistic. There are stages in a relationship, and there is a really good chance that if the relationship began 6/8/15, then you guys are still in the infatuation stage. There's still so much to learn.

I don't want to deter you from the proposal, but did want to give you some food for thought.

I agree they should wait as I stated before.. And I agree they should get to know each other in person... I do see some info about dating times on the web, but cant seem to find solid facts. I see where each situation could be different based on time know and age etc.. Just looking at that kind of data too

[Honour]

Relationship began 06/08/2015

Wow.

Statistics show that of the marriages that last 10+ years, most couples date 2.5 to 3 years before becoming engaged. I've been researching this myself for about the past month, which is how I am certain of the statistic. There are stages in a relationship, and there is a really good chance that if the relationship began 6/8/15, then you guys are still in the infatuation stage. There's still so much to learn.

I don't want to deter you from the proposal, but did want to give you some food for thought.

Maybe food for thought, however, every relationship is different and no amount of statistics can predict whether it applies to that couple. That being said, there's always exceptions to the rules, though I still think it's too early at their point. Some will last, some won't. We can only assume.

[differentcountries]

Relationship began 06/08/2015

Wow.

Statistics show that of the marriages that last 10+ years, most couples date 2.5 to 3 years before becoming engaged. I've been researching this myself for about the past month, which is how I am certain of the statistic. There are stages in a relationship, and there is a really good chance that if the relationship began 6/8/15, then you guys are still in the infatuation stage. There's still so much to learn.

I don't want to deter you from the proposal, but did want to give you some food for thought.

My parents married 6 months after getting together the 2nd time (I think they dated a year first time). Which means they hardly even dated before they got engaged. They have now been married almost 38 years. My mum said she simply knew because he came running when she had hurt her back. They are typical Norwegian in the sense that noone really proposed though, but they also come from an age and a community where being serious simply means you get married. SO is also raised in a culture that is very marriage-oriented, which is why marriage was an issue very, very early in our relationship. But we had met each other and that talk happened after that.

Immigration-wise, having an engagement party on the first visit make you seem less serious, not more. So if you want to propose during the first visit, make it private between the two of you, and wait until the next visit to make it official. You will need pics and dates for everything if you want to convince immigration, so make it seem as though you took your first meet into consideration before making such a big leap of faith.

[spanglishjoe]

Thanks everybody. I respect all of your thoughts, you have some solid advice and I will be here thinking it over. It helps hearing it from all of you.

[LivingInWonderland]

My grandmother married her late husband after only knowing him for 4 months. They were married 22 years before he passed away after a severe heart attack. If you really love her and she really loves you, I say go for it. But my advice would be to spend at least a bit of time with her in person, to really confirm your feelings for her, and hers for you. The majority of the time, people in relationships that began online hit it off really great when they meet in person. But there is that slim chance that you two might not be fully compatible.

Honestly, don't worry too much about the time you have been in a relationship. If a person is right for you, you'll know. I say this from personal experience and from friends and family members experience.

Do what works for you, and good luck with whatever you choose

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Here is my opinion. Take of it what you will. It is YOUR life and no matter what strangers on the internet tell you to do, it's your choice (along with your SO).

I have been with my SO ~2 years. We have been both LD and CD at various times. The longest for each was 7 months. Based off of this, I can speak with a fair amount of authority that being CD is NOTHING like being LD. It is extremely hard to equate what you feel online to that actual person. In fact, I always struggle immensely with visits and it takes me a long time to feel like "us" again. I know that this is the man of my dreams. We have even lived together. We know how the other person is and that we are in love both LD and CD, but damn, that transition is tough. I can only imagine that the toughness is even worse when you're a never-met. Give yourself some time before you decide that this is the one for you before you have ever even slept beside her or heard her annoying way of chewing or seen her she reacts to a waiter that got her order wrong. Those things are all just as important to a relationship than the mental/emotional side that grows LD. You need to experience those things too and you cannot do that LD. I even question whether you can do that on just a few visits. If that's all you get, then you have to make due with what you have, but just remember that it is extremely hard to grow as a couple LD. You can maintain, but a substantial part of the growth is done in person.

[Unicorn26]

When I first met my SO for the first time last month after a 3 year online relationship, it was a little awkward at first. I felt really comfortable with him but it was the jet lag I wasn't prepared for. It seriously kicked my butt. I did not feel like myself at all and it took a few days for it to wear off.

I was with him for 10 days and I can honestly say I didn't feel totally relaxed until almost the end of my trip even though we spent every moment together.

I would advise you to slow down. Give it a few visits before you make up your mind. There may be no chemistry you just don't know. It wasn't the case with me, in fact it was better than I could have ever imagined but please exercise caution.