Soooo he cheated...

[Kmh0112]

I've been dating this guy almost 3 years, always long distance. In the beginning of this I had my doubts of course but they slowly faded away and I trusted him completely. Well now I've learned that a couple of months ago he cheated on me and lied about. I found out from the other woman. I had this weird feeling like something wasn't right for weeks, talked about it over and over and he would reassure me over and over. We'd even argue that there was no one else and I was being insecure. I don't know how to proceed. Could I ever trust him again? He thinks we can work this out and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to just "forgive and forget". I love him but what if he does it again. Maybe it was a one time thing. I need advice. 😥 As for right now there's no way to close the distance due to careers and what not for at least another year...

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD, though I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances.

You are the only one who can decide if this is something you can forgive and move forward with the relationship. If you choose to forgive him, then he will have to realize that he has to work to gain your trust back. It will take time and a lot of effort on his part. You also would have to choose to not keep going back to it and use it against him in future disagreements or issues that may come up. Two of my friends had spouse's who cheated and they took them back. It took years for them to get back to the trust that was there before the betrayal.

Now me, on the other hand, would end the relationship. A relationship is based on trust and once that is gone due to something like cheating, you don't get a second chance. To me, the other party did it with full knowledge that they were betraying me and everything our relationship is built upon. They have no respect for me our us. They put their selfish needs ahead of us. I don't care if it was a one-night stand or a longer-term relationship - we're done.

In your situation, he not only cheated but lied and denied it until he was caught - well, to me, that makes it even worse. I mean would he even have come clean if the other woman hadn't "outed" him? Probably not.

You have a big and difficult decision to make. I wish you the best of luck, no matter your choice.

[Redheart14]

I'd end it. Trust is the most crucial thing in any relationship but even more so in an LDR. Once that trust is gone you'd never be able to fully relax. It's your choice though, but given you'd still be long distance (I'm assuming) it would be very hard to trust again. It's completely up to you though.

[snow]

For me, the biggest issue in this whole situation is not only denying that he did what he did, but blaming it on your insecurities, when he knew exactly what was going on. That's an ugly character trait and I would not be able to look past that.

[Honour]

“Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother f*****'s reflection.” - Lady Gaga. Harsh, but so very true.

If it was me, I'd end it. Others might find it works differently for them. You could be one of those people. But honestly... I think you'd be so much more better off without this hassle, but if you want things to work, he has to invest the time and effort to repair broken trust, it's not just on you and you can't force him too. But keep in mind, that crack will always be there.

[LivingInWonderland]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened. I agree with what the others have said. I've always viewed cheating as, "If they will do it once, they will do it again." Maybe it doesn't always work that way, but the majority of the time it seems it does. Do what you feel is right. Trust is an extremely important part of a relationship. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that. If you don't feel like you can trust him, it may be best for you to try to move on. But again, do what you feel is right for you.

[Miasmata]

There are things someone can really mess up with and you can still find it in yourself to forgive them, eventually. However, someone has to be worthy of that forgiveness. Cheating is already bad as is, but in my opinion, it can be forgiven depending on the circumstances and the people involved. But the fact that he can't even fess up and take responsibility for the circumstances is really messed up, IMO. People mess up, and sometimes that can be forgiven and sometimes it can't be; but if someone can't even handle that like an adult, I wouldn't say they're deserving of that forgiveness. I can forgive people who genuinely show responsibility and prove that they want to be better than their mistakes. Someone who blames you instead is not only showing a lack of responsibility, but also a form of emotional abuse. Personally, I wouldn't be having any of that crap.

Also, no matter what it's about, never "forgive and forget". Forgive, yeah. Forget, never. If you forget, you pretend it wasn't an issue in the first place, which is unfair to yourself.

[differentcountries]

There are a couple of things that are the issue. First, the cheating.Then him keeping it a secret, even bluntly denying it even though you had you mind set on it so much you were feeling insecure about yourself. Then, you had to hear it from someone else, which I am sure was humilating enough. I am not sure if he understands what it will take for you to really forgive him, not just for cheating on you, but also playing tricks on your mind like this.

I have a history where my ex was not cheating on me, but denying that she had lost her feeelings for me when - she admitted later - she indeed had and she also knew it at the time. Of course it was sad that our relationship fell apart, but what really hurt me, was that she was lying to me about it. All my friends actually told me I was insane and insecure (because we had just married), and I was starting to doubting that what I felt was real, I even thought if I might be psycotic for seeing things that were not there. Even after we broke up, it took me years to be able to forgive her for playing tricks on my mind like that. We had also dated more than 3 years. I later realized that it had something to do with the way that she was brought up, where people are lying all the time and there is no reward for truth. I since then decided to up the anty on rewarding people for telling me the truth; I would rather be killed by a bullet then by poison, and have since gotten a lot more confrontational in my romantic relationships. I see now that I could have trusted my initial instinct and been a lot more confrontational, but I also see that being long distance (which we were towards the end) complicated things and that she was using the distance to manipulate me (which was even easier back in the day without smartphones and Skype). Trust over long distance is hard earned and must be taken very seriously, even more so than in cd relationships.

Your relationship can't go back - it can end, it can get weaker or it can get stronger. I will never be the exact same as it was. Does he have a plan for how to build your trust? Does he have a plan on how to get better self-knowledge? Does he have a plan on how to deal with temptation and frustration, so that it is less likely that he cheats again? If the both of you come out of this with better self-knowledge, I do think you have a good future. If not, staying together may be a sad tale of distrust and stagnation.

[Unicorn26]

Personally it would be the end for me. Trust is a HUGE part of LDRs way more than in closed distance.

Is he sorry that he cheated or sorry that he got caught? I think it's absolutely awful that he continued to lie and blame your insecurities even though your instincts were right.

I wouldn't be able to ever trust him totally again and that's no basis for a loving relationship.

You deserve better. Don't settle. Know your worth.