Close the distance?

[oinkpig329]

Hey all!

Okay. Here's my question for you. When is it appropriate to close the distance and move somewhere for someone? After getting engaged? While still discerning your relationship as a way to help?

I finish school this spring and am considering moving to my SO in a very small town 2000 miles away. We're not ready to get engaged. I think he's *probably* the one but I'm not ready to fully commit to that. He's in a similar place. I think distance really slows down that process and being closer could help us really figure out if this is right or not.

Risks involved- he could be deployed for 6 months or somehow we break up and I'm stuck down there

What are your opinions or experiences?

[Redheart14]

Nothing ventured nothing gained. You don't have to be engaged to close the distance. It'd be good to see if you are able to live together before getting engaged or married.

[oinkpig329]

I actually wouldn't move in with him, we don't want to live together before marriage, but I'd move near to him.

[Honour]

Moving closer would probably take a lot of pressure off you both.

[snow]

There is no real time frame, especially not for doing it your way, because you will just be closer together and will have more time to get to know each other in person, but generally speaking, you shouldn't move just because you want to be closer to your SO, you should always think of your own future in case something happens, e.g. if you still go to school, find a school there, if you're working, find a job there so you're not stuck on your own in a city you only chose to be with your SO.

When I say no real time frame, I do think that moving in together for the first in person visit is too soon, mostly because the possibility that you won't click in person is there and it has happened before to couples on this forum.

[bartinkopl]

There is not any specific moment to do it - I think it depends on both persons...

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I agree with the advice given: no harm in going as long as you're thinking about your future too. Can you get a good job there? Would you be happy there if your SO wasn't there or you two broke up? Would you regret moving down there if things didn't go as planned?

On that note though, why are you stuck down there if you two break up? There's no saying that you couldn't cut your losses and move home if things don't go well. You never know unless you try! And in all honesty, although the "would you be happy there if you broke up" question is a very very good one, I can guarantee that many of us move just for our loves. If I move to the Netherlands, it is ALL because I want to be with my SO. Good or bad? I can't really say, but I can tell you that even if we broke up I wouldn't regret it because at least I tried and gave it everything I had. I think I'd regret not knowing if things could have worked out more. But that's a decision you have to make for yourself!

[absoulutelyanna]

I moved to Germany for my boyfriend. I am American and he is German. Before that I was living in Dubai working as a flight attendant. My life as a flight attendant was pretty amazing, everyone kept asking me why I would give up my job to move here for him. I didn't have a job when I came here and I barely spoke a single word of German. That being said, I made that decision because deep in my gut I knew it was the right time. I was travelling the entire world, living in a rent free apartment, all my money went on shopping/traveling and I was totally not happy. I knew that nothing could outweigh being with him -- even if that meant I was going to quit my job without having another one and going to a foreign country. Last year was a really difficult transition but things ended up working out for me. I got a job really quickly after getting here, my visa went through quickly, and everything worked out. I believe part of it was luck, but I also believe that I wasn't going to let anything stop me from being with him. You have to have that feeling if you are going to make a big move to be with someone I think. But, obviously, this is just my opinion/my experience I am sharing. If your so is deployed while you are living together, then you should still be happy you made that decision for you. My boyfriend frequently travels for work, but I'm totally content and happy being in Germany by myself because I built my life up here independently of him. So, that's just my two cents on the matter. What I can tell you is that I've never been happier in my life, and I hope you two find that too! <3

[differentcountries]

We are considering for him to move here for work. I am not sure if it may happen soon or perhaps far into next year. But anway that is the plan. Marriage or studies don't seem like an option right now, and besides if he moved for work he would have something to DO. SO has worked a lot, although he also studied he is used to work and is proud of working. He would feel horrible to come here, be supported by me and do nothing. He has started to learn Norwegian (albeit slowly) and he has close friends living here and lots of casual friends/aquaintances that he knows here. He has lived here for a month and so he started to learn a bit about the things he likes, what is new, what is neutral and what he dislikes here. He says himself that he needs to learn the language. He knows I am learning Turkish, so it is only fair that he should learn Norwegian, especially if he will live here.

I want him to be relatively free. I want it to be so that if I died, or we broke up, he would still have a life here for himself. He needs to find out for himself, not just "how to live in my town/in Norway", but "how do I, the person I am, want to live in this town and country". Social life is very different from what he is used to, people plan their activities a lot and it is too could to just casually meet up outside. But he also likes it here, people say it like it is and they let each other be, which is something that suits him I think. I think he could like it here, but it will also be an adjustment period and perhaps small adjustments all the time.

If you can move and not just move to be with him, but move to see what his town and area has to offer you, in terms of school or work, friends and hobbies and so on, your life will be richer no matter what happens to the relationship.