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    #1

    Coping with no fixed date for next visit...

    I am not doing too well at the minute.

    It's been almost a month since my visit to USA and I'm missing my SO really badly. We are planning for him to visit me in the spring but as yet we do not have a date set as he can't afford the flight cost yet.

    His latest work trip turned to Vegas out to be a total disaster, he was put in a hotel in a very expensive area and the cost of food etc was astronomical and he didn't get the amount of work he was promised. Despite barely going out (he spent every evening when he wasn't working sat in his hotel room) he ran out of money within the first week and had to borrow money to get by. This has eaten into the money he earned so he would have been better off staying at his job at home.

    It's really getting me down. He won't entertain me paying for the flight then him paying me back as he's not comfortable with it, but not having a date to focus on is messing me up. I've tried to explain this but all he says is "it will be ok" I know he's just trying to help but I don't think he realises just how much this is getting me down. Even if the date was months away I would be OK, I just need to know that countdown number if that makes sense? I feel like I'm in a tunnel with no light at the end and it's a horrible feeling.

    I am so sad!!!
    Tags: None
    #2
    Perhaps you could plan a visit to him instead of him coming to you?
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      I agree, if you have the means to pay for it, why not go visit him?? After a year I'd be doing whatever it took to see my SO

      Comment

        #4
        I've just got back from visiting him. It's not easy for me to visit, I have two jobs, two kids, two dogs that I have to put in kennels when I go away and it's all extra costs...

        He lives with his mum, he doesn't have the issue of the extra expense of putting his dogs in kennels as he has family that can take care of them for him. He is working, he doesn't have the living expenses I do and he has no kids. Flights are way cheaper for him, plus he said he wants to come over to England because if we were ever to close the distance he would have to be the one to move as I am not prepared to take the kids away from their dad and I would never leave them.

        It just feels like he hasn't got his priorities right. He said recently he couldn't afford to save $40 a week for the flight, I don't want to fight with him about money but he always seems to be able to find the funds for going out, cigarettes, getting take away food etc...

        It's just frustrating that he won't let me help. I don't want to tell him to stop going out etc because I'm not that sort of girl and it's important that he retains his social life as he had severe anxiety when we first met and was practically a hermit.hes doing great now and I want him to continue to improve and be normal, whatever that is.

        I'm already planning my next trip, for July next year, but it feels wrong to be doing that right now when there's nothing in place for him to come and see me?

        It took almost 3 years for us to finally meet and it really was the greatest thing ever, we both loved our time together and he had said numerous times how much he misses me and can't wait to see me again, but I'm just not seeing him being pro active enough for my liking.

        I dunno. I don't want to have a fight with him but I feel like he needs a kick up the rear end right now...

        Comment

          #5
          Maybe suggest for a couple of weeks he writes down everything he spends money on and then he can see where it's going and where he can cut things out for savings. Also, he should be able to request from his employer to direct deposit $40 week ($80 if paid bi-weekly) into a separate account. If he doesn't see it to spend it, possibly he can save easier.

          As far as Vegas, if he spent all his money and had to borrower due to food costs, he wasn't looking at the right places. I've been multiple times and there are cheap, good buffets everywhere that don't cost much of anything. I mean, Vegas is known as much for it's buffets as it is for it's casinos and shows. Vegas is very concentrated, and even if you are staying off of the strip it doesn't take much to get there. Did he say what hotel he was staying in? (I guess not that it really matters now, but if he were to go again.)
          To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

          ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

          Comment

            #6
            I definitely understand why you want him to put in his share. It's not fair for you or your family, and it also makes you wonder if he'll always be bad with money. That's not someone I'd want to be involved with.

            Give him money management tips. Tell him how important it is for him to see your country and meet your friends. Hopefully he'll show some initiative!!

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by R&R View Post
              Maybe suggest for a couple of weeks he writes down everything he spends money on and then he can see where it's going and where he can cut things out for savings. Also, he should be able to request from his employer to direct deposit $40 week ($80 if paid bi-weekly) into a separate account. If he doesn't see it to spend it, possibly he can save easier.

              As far as Vegas, if he spent all his money and had to borrower due to food costs, he wasn't looking at the right places. I've been multiple times and there are cheap, good buffets everywhere that don't cost much of anything. I mean, Vegas is known as much for it's buffets as it is for it's casinos and shows. Vegas is very concentrated, and even if you are staying off of the strip it doesn't take much to get there. Did he say what hotel he was staying in? (I guess not that it really matters now, but if he were to go again.)
              I'm not sure which hotel he was in, he did tell me but my memory is terrible! Maybe The Link? I know it was part of a casino and he hated it. He's been to Vegas several times before to work but those times he was at a hotel that was away from the strip, it was almost like a mini apartment, he had a kitchen so would cook for himself and save money that way, it had some quiet bars where he could play pool and some cheap places to eat near by if he was too tired to cook.
              This time though, because they were right next to the conference centre they didn't have a hire car so were restricted as the price of cabs was really high. He admits he planned it badly, he knows that and I'm glad he can own up to that. I think he was taken by surprise about how expensive it was in the area they stayed in.

              I will talk to him about writing down what he spends. I really hate discussing money as in my previous relationship money was such a source of conflict (and still is with child support etc, I basically don't get any). I will do it though, he is incredibly understanding and patient, and I know he loves me to death as he's so committed and open... Maybe there is some fear putting him off? I know he hates flying over water but it's something he has to deal with if we are going to be able to see each other on a semi regular basis.

              Oh, and he's paid by cheque, one of his jobs is bartending so he ought to be able to save some cash really.

              When he does finally get here I will suggest we open a joint PayPal account so we can both deposit money in there on a weekly basis, to share the cost of visits. It's just so much easier to have these conversations face to face, even on FaceTime it can be awkward.

              Gosh how much am I rambling? Very plain to see how anxious I am about this, once that plan us in place I will be fine but it can't happen soon enough. Patience is not my strong point!

              Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

              Comment

                #8
                Yup, the Linq. Right in the middle of the strip. Yeah, sounds like some planning on his end would have saved him quite a bit of money. My SO is the same way as far as planning....or lack thereof. I think the PayPal account is a good idea. Maybe it will be more incentive for him if he sees you putting the money in and might want to at least try to match it.

                Money conversations can be tough but they are definitely needed. I mean, if you close the distance, money is going to be a big factor when living together. You need to be able to talk about everything. My SO just learned the really hard way that he needs to discuss even difficult things with me. We won't learn the consequences until Wednesday. So as uncomfortable as the conversation may be, once you start talking about these things, hopefully it will get easier.
                To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by R&R View Post
                  Yup, the Linq. Right in the middle of the strip. Yeah, sounds like some planning on his end would have saved him quite a bit of money. My SO is the same way as far as planning....or lack thereof. I think the PayPal account is a good idea. Maybe it will be more incentive for him if he sees you putting the money in and might want to at least try to match it.

                  Money conversations can be tough but they are definitely needed. I mean, if you close the distance, money is going to be a big factor when living together. You need to be able to talk about everything. My SO just learned the really hard way that he needs to discuss even difficult things with me. We won't learn the consequences until Wednesday. So as uncomfortable as the conversation may be, once you start talking about these things, hopefully it will get easier.
                  Thank you for your response! He didn't know which hotel he was staying at until he landed, I think his boss was really badly organised this time and it backfired on his staff as every single one of them was out of pocket... However, spending his food allowance within the first week was really silly and I've told him that. I've said if I had my way he wouldn't be going to work out there again, but I don't have any say just yet. I have told him though that next time he needs to use his food allowance for just that, food. He knows he messed up and he knows I'm disappointed. Hopefully this won't happen again.

                  Your situation sounds ummm tricky!!! I hope everything is ok, men can be such children sometimes. My marriage broke up because my ex kept important things hidden from me and despite me trying my best to deal with the fact that he thought he was doing the right thing, the trust had totally gone. He lied to me for such a long time, our whole lives seemed like a lie...

                  I hope your situation is not that serious, I will be sending you good vibes xxx

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Joint PayPal? Is that even a thing? It sound really good tho, good way to save some money together, when you are in 2 different places and can't have bank account. Feels like it could be good way to saving both for trips and closing the distance!
                    I feel like money talking will be a big deal in my relationship, because I'm a real saver and I really hate spending money, while my bf (from my observations) has no problem spending a lot...

                    Comment

                      #11
                      I totally get the anxious feeling about not having fixed plans. I'm living it also. We have hope for February but it depends on so many things, on both our sides. Everything has turned upsidedown because of SO's parents health issues and he is stuck in his life. I can't leave kids behind and can't take them with me either. Money is not so much of an issue right now. I agree worst thing is when him and I don't share the same need to put a plan together. He keeps saying "Baby we will find a way". That alone will not fix everything. Having a ticket booked is soooo much better. Countdown is the best thing right now. I can really agree on that. Hopefully soon

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I believe joint PayPal is a thing, I'm sure I saw it on a thread in here haha!

                        Maybe the whole spend spend spend is an American thing? After spending time there the whole culture seems a lot more possession focused than European culture is? Don't get me wrong, I'm on no way criticising American culture, living in the moment is quite liberating, but in an international LDR, some thought is needed for the future if you're gonna be able to visit regularly.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by farandaway View Post
                          I totally get the anxious feeling about not having fixed plans. I'm living it also. We have hope for February but it depends on so many things, on both our sides. Everything has turned upsidedown because of SO's parents health issues and he is stuck in his life. I can't leave kids behind and can't take them with me either. Money is not so much of an issue right now. I agree worst thing is when him and I don't share the same need to put a plan together. He keeps saying "Baby we will find a way". That alone will not fix everything. Having a ticket booked is soooo much better. Countdown is the best thing right now. I can really agree on that. Hopefully soon
                          Countdowns make everything feel so much better, no matter how big the number is!!! Just knowing its definitely happening is so soothing.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            hah maybe it is a little bit of American culture.. with the money and spending. especially me coming from middle income family from eastern europe, when we couldn't afford much stuff when I was growing up
                            Never thought that there will be any cultural difference between us since even eastern europe became very "western"

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