What do you think?

[S41r4]

Some advice please –

I am looking to be told either I’m in the wrong or she is. Either way I don’t mind but sometimes you require an outside opinion, someone who isn’t clouded by being annoyed.

So me and J – 2.5 years together, all is good. She’s a doctor, works extremely hard, is busy at work for at least 13 hours a day and with me being 5 hours ahead it can be a nightmare at times.

In the past 2 and a half years, we seem to always have problems whenever she goes home, sometimes she’s gone home for 2/3 months, other times for a week or so.
We have problems due to when she’s home, her parents don’t treat her as if she’s 27, its like shes 12 again. They literally want her with them at all times so we struggle to find time to talk.

Now being thanksgiving, she was going to go home, but about a week before, we had a really honest conversation because definitely it is me who wants more time to talk than her and she’s more of the believer, quality over quantity.
We talked about it and where she has broken up with me in the past, my insecurity (from the past) has created a pattern for me. The pattern being that I had a belief, that I didn’t even realise, but I believed that if I wasn’t around her all the time, so always staying up/ replying to her messages instantly, she’ll forget about me etc etc

Now I’m not insecure, I’m not worried in the slightest, I know how much she loves me, but I guess I’d built a routine that just wasn’t possible. She explained to me how if she got home at 6pm and wanted to shower, or go grocery shopping she felt guilty because she knew I’d be waiting and staying up. Her telling me, that her fridge being practically empty is my fault, was the wake up call I needed!

Okay so that’s the very long background; now to the current problem

She’s been home a few days and its been fine, I’ve used the extra time to catch up with friends/ go out with my brothers/ one night I even slept super early. All is fine.
The only thing I ask for is communication, I’ve been out every night this week and always tell her who I’m with, where I am, whats going on etc and always a good night msg before I sleep.

This morning, I wake up to nothing. Again no big deal, figured she’d crashed out or whatever. She texts me a couple hours later saying she was out clubbing and now is in a cab home.

Am I right for being annoyed that she didn’t tell me she was going out, that I’m sitting here thinking she’s fast asleep but in fact she was out drinking?

I want to emphasize that I absolutely do not mind that she went out, if anyone needed to let their hair down, its her. I’m annoyed that I wasn’t sent one message over an 8 hour period saying hey im out with Rena, thinking about you or anything,.

What do you think?

[differentcountries]

You posted thıs ın the wrong place. And you are overthınkıng thıngs.

[snow_girl]

Just because you offer the info of who you are with, what you're doing etc doesn't mean she is required to. You know that communication can go down while she is home so I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I hate when I go out with someone who is constantly needing to text their SO. She told you afterwards, who cares.

[ChloChlo]

Nobody is "in the wrong" but - to put it bluntly - you are the one with the problem, not your gf. She doesn't know you're annoyed, she's living her life, which you yourself said was fine. And I mean, she DID let you know what she was doing - it just wasn't done the way YOU would have done it. But she's not you. Snow_girl is right - just because you send her lots of messages doesn't mean it should be a given than she does the same thing. You already know she's a quality over quantity person. It doesn't sound like she meant to be neglectful or anything.

Also, maybe I am alone with this, but I think it's ok for people to not be thinking about their s/o ALL the time, especially when they are out having fun. It's ok to "forget" about them and just do your own thing for a while. It doesn't *actually* mean anyone is forgotten. Am I odd for having this opinion? Maybe I will make a thread about that.

[R&R]

I agree with the others - she did nothing wrong by not telling you that she was going out.

When I moved to CA and would come home to visit family and friends in NH, my (ex)husband didn't know what I was doing every second of the day. He knew I was spending time with friends and family and that he would hear from me but my time here was so brief and so valuable that he didn't mind not hearing from me. He also knew if something was wrong, someone would contact him so the "no news is good news" worked.

And ChloChlo is right - I think many people don't spend all their time thinking about their SO.....especially 2 1/2 years into the relationship. Everyone has a life outside their relationship and shouldn't be worried about having to "check in" with their SO when they go do things. If they want to, that's fine. If they feel required to - IMHO that means one partner is too controlling or needy.

[whatruckus]

I have to agree with everyone else. I don't care if my SO goes out, or who he goes out with. The only time I care is when he doesn't tell me a damn thing, period. For instance, I typically try to stay up until he gets home from work (10:3PM EST - 11PM EST), so that we can actually get time talk to each other. I care when he doesn't tell me he went out and I don't hear from him until about 12AM - 2AM, when I could've been sleeping instead of waiting up for him. I only ever ask him to let me know he's going out, so I'm not thinking I get to talk to him, and to let me know when he's home, so I know he got home okay. Other than that, peace! Have fun! I always tell him more than he tells me, just because I'm that type of person and I'm very open.

He does tend to forget to let me know quite often, which is annoying. But, he also knows the consequences and why I get mad at him and he understands he's in the wrong for getting my hopes up.

You need to relax. Even though I'm the type of person to always be thinking about my SO, even when I'm busy, or having fun, I'll tend to forget to text my SO. I understand my SO is pretty scatterbrained, so I try not to get mad every time he forgets because like I said, I only really get annoyed when it's a time that I could've been sleeping so I'm not tired at work the next day.