Does Saying Goodbye Get Worse?

[BirdGirl]

Why does it feel like every time we say goodbye it gets harder and harder? We've been in an LDR for more than 3 years now and you'd think I would be used to it now. We had to say goodbye after Thanksgiving and the dread leading up to it was awful. I had a lump in my throat, knots in my stomach, and my hands were clenching all throughout our last dinner together. I cried for almost an hour in his arms, sobbing and saying how much I just physically couldn't bring myself to leave this time. Getting in the car was impossible and driving away was out of the question. There were many times during the long drive where I had to fight every fiber in my being that said TURN AROUND YOU IDIOT!!!! I don't know what is worse, being the one that has to leave or the one that has to stay. He usually does most of the traveling so our roles were switched these last two times, but I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the increasing intensity of this pain I feel when we are separated.

Has anyone else noticed this?

[abna1]

Welcome to LFAD and I hope you're already feeling a bit better. For me, goodbyes get harder with time too. I feel like it's because with every visit we've just gotten closer and have more memories together. Knowing that we have about 5 to 8 months before we see each other again doesn't help either. But I have noticed that it's gotten easier for me to get back into my normal routine back at home.

[differentcountries]

For me it varietes a lot. This time, I cried on the plane for the first time in a long time. I think it had something to do with getting closer this time and also not having our next visit planned. We have dated more than two years and it is hard not knowing when we can close the distance. I think we spent the whole last day just saying "don't leave" to each other, and he admitted getting a knot in his stomack every time I leave.

[SailorRei]

For me it was very hard at the beginning, but it's not much better now. I used to cry a lot, now I try not to and keep together when we say goodbye but I still feel like dying inside. I think it's very hard when you part and you have no idea when you'll see each other again. When I left this summer we knew that he's coming for Christmas, so we could bear those 4 months. When he'll come here in December and then we don't know when I'll see him again, so this one will be tough...

I want to say it gets better, but I'm not sure

[TaraMarie]

I'm one of the lucky ones. Technically we live together, but he still works in NY, so he leaves every Monday morning and comes home every Friday evening....and it's as hard for me every single time as it was in the beginning. Here I am, sitting in our home, surrounded by our things, and missing him every minute. I don't do apart well at all. Fr me it's harder if I go to Ny for the weekend and then have to leave. I did that two weeks ago, and am doing it again in two weeks, and I am not looking forward to it. I'd much rather be here, waiting. I am almost four years into this and it's still so damn hard!

[Honour]

I know when I meet my SO things will be very difficult for awhile after we say goodbye. But the thing to remember is 1) Goodbye doesn't mean forever, 2) You will both get to where you want to be at the end of the day if you both persevere and stay strong. As I keep telling myself. That, and "the best is yet to come."

[R&R]

I am one of the few who finds it easier as time goes by. We've been together a little over two years now. The first visit I was in tears the day before I had to leave. The next time not until I was getting ready to go through security at the airport. After that, there really haven't been tears. I'm going to see him again and we have a future together. I also have a very full life at home that keeps me busy.

I could very easily choose to be sad and cry and be miserable each time we part but I choose not to. That's not how I want this relationship to be. It doesn't mean I don't miss him or that I don't hate being apart - it just means I realize that an LDR is about being apart most of the time and I won't let the leaving part become such a dramatic time for us. It would get so wearing too.

We haven't seen each other since July. Our November vacation got cancelled and December is up in the air. It's all part of being in an LDR. We're hoping to get married and close the distance next year but that may end up being pushed out to 2017 now. It's just how life is right now. We chose it, we deal with it and it won't be forever.

[BirdGirl]

Thank you everyone! Just hearing your stories and words of advice make me realize we are not alone in feeling this way. I agree that it gets easier coping with being apart once you say goodbye, but the actual parting is what gets more and more difficult for me. I feel better by getting a good nights rest too, traveling sure does make you tired! And it is definitely good advice to try and not get sad leading up to saying goodbye, it just dampens the moments that we are together. Thank you guys!!!

[Unicorn26]

I've only had one goodbye and it was tough, I didn't cry that much just a few tears escaping but no sobbing or anything. I did cry on the plane though. The take off was delayed and just sitting on that plane, stuck on the runway, looking over the city lights knowing he was there somewhere driving home and feeling the same horrible empty feeling I was.... it was too much to take. As soon as we took off I was ok though.

Getting back to normal took me a while. Everything felt different. After a few weeks I got a lot better. It's still really hard because we don't have a date when he's coming over here yet, but hopefully once Christmas is over and new year out of the way we can seriously look at flights and dates and make some plans!!! I will be buzzing then, can't wait for that, it will be such a lift to me.

[farandaway]

My SO is the cool and patient one. Every time we've met we have plans for future meets but life keeps getting in the way. I don't necessarily cry but I feel emptiness and pain. We've been apart over a year before and at new years a year has passed again. There's no end in sight but this weekend hopefully there's a decision about kids vacation time from school and after I've booked their tickets for February I can be off to see my SO. I can't help but think how hard it will be coming back from him. But it won't be so long then. We have plans for both May and summer meets. We'll be past our 4 year mark next year but it does not get easier. If there was an end in sight it may be easier but not until then. LDRs are just so hard.

[Ella85]

It hurts more every time. I can't stand being apart but we always have another trip booked. The only time I won't is after his March trip because we'll be waiting on the visa to close the distance.

[differentcountries]

For me it has a lot to do with rythm. I have been lucky enough in the past to see him every 4-5 weeks and it was great to have that kind of rythm (although exhausting and expensive). Now we can't plan anything for a while because he has his exams in 1-2 weeks, he might change jobs and in that case he is not sure where he will live etc. Me on the other hand is preparing a Norwegian Christmas where I will be in charge of most things, which also means it will be quite expensive for me. I can't buy any new tickets until my other bills are payed, Christmas presents bought and everything in place for the holidays. It really hurts because I have to skip having the holidays and my birthday with him. It strangely hurts more because he will not be celebrating (Muslim country) and he does not share my pain in that sense. It is hard to be apart because we are both tired and there is little we can do to soothe the other person. It hurts to not know what the future will bring. I might change jobs as well (I need to earn much more) and if so I will probably have little vacation time to see him, my next visits might be just long weekends. It hurts to not have him there every day. In a way it does get easier, because I get convinced that he is really into this long term, and we work better together as a team. In a way, even though it is sad, it is also nice to share the pain. I think often pain is what brings us together - we are both good at just becoming detached and indifferent in hard situations, but showing your pain is breaking that shell. He cried in front of me for the first time this summer and I think that is very healthy to do sometimes, even for boys. It just shows that we are human, that it hurts to not feel the closeness that we crave. It does not mean that we will put our every day lives on hold and forsake our jobs or friends or hobbies. It just means that when I go, there is an ace that says "I leave a piece of me behind". We make jokes about it, it is not just sad. I joke that I will envent the perfect way to fold him so that he will fit into my carry on suitcase.

[pretty ll vacant]

It does get harder and harder i think, cause you long for that person more and more and you get used to having them around and that is literally ALL you want. BUT in a weird way, it gets easier.. my BF and i have been together for 4 years now and while it's still extremely painful to leave each other, i find that it's easier now to sync back into my routine and my "i'm so sad I miss him and can barely function" phase doesn't last as long as it used to. Also, we've taken to skyping literally everday and falling asleep with it on, which helps immensely. Do you guys get to skype much? It helps so much when you can't actually be around him, and don't feel forced to have to talk or do something the whole time you're on skype with him. We go about our business and just sort of "hang out" with each other on skype, so its like he's there but he's not.

It's tough to say, being the one left behind sucks because you then have to go back to your house knowing they aren't going to be there with you. That drive back home alone sucks so bad. On the otherhand, having to be the one to leave sucks a lot more, I think. You can't even be in your own space to cry freely, you're on a plane crying your eyes out and still have a looooong journey home (for some of us) before you can finally relax a little. Then, once you do land even though you're "home" you just left your heart x amount of miles behind you. It's tough, but it gets easier with time, Chin up and hugs

[Cienna]

We've only had one visit so far, he was visiting me. I've been in LDRs before, but this was the first time someone came to me and I wasn't the one doing all the travelling. My home just felt so empty. I've noticed that it's easier when there is a new visit planned, but it's hard every time, just learning to not have a long goodbye at the airport to make it easier for both. Last time I walked away from the airport and went to a nearby shop, trying to dry my tears as discreetly as possible.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

For me, it all depends on the visit circumstances. When I am the one traveling, it isn't that difficult. My mind is on the next 8 steps to get home and not on missing him quite yet. There has been a few times that he has left after a visit now. I've been sad before, but this past one was unbearable. I literally cried every time I thought about him for a solid week...not something that is typical for me. So I guess it does get harder as we go on. It's hard because we just want to be together already bit circumstances make that impossible. But on the other hand, it's way easier getting into the LD routine again, so that makes it easier.