Telling others

[MariaEx]

I read something a member wrote regarding her taking a break from her relationship and felt for her but what stroke me was the fact that she was thinking what she would say to people, especially family if asked about her relationship. I tried to put myself in her shoes and I think I have the same fear, if something does go wrong and people start asking about me and him, it would be devastating to answer all their questions. I know that this thing can happen even to a CDR but the fact remains that LDRs are more difficult and some people around me from the start have doubts about my future and whether we can make it. And I am talking about people that truly care about me but cannot help but wonder whether distance and obstacles can be overcome.
So I was wondering, maybe someone has to keep their LDR more private and protect it and themselves in case something doesn't go right? Maybe someone needs to keep it private, at least until a foreseeable solution seems close?
Just wondering...

[snow_girl]

I'm an open book, if I'm having issues i talk to my friends. I don't get the people that keep a perfect facade and then don't know what to do when it all goes to shit. My friends are good friends and sometimes i might not like to great what they have to say when i come with am issue, but they have my best interest at heart and never judge when i decide to give someone a second or third chance. People j just need to get better friends and not be so worried what people will think.

[whatruckus]

The only reason why I don't know what to say to my family is I just don't know how to respond to their questions without getting upset. I know they're going to ask me, "How's everything with Mike?" I don't care if people know what happened, I'm just trying to figure out a not-so-sad and depressing way to tell them. I think I've settled on just saying that we're taking things slow right now. My immediate family already knows, so they'll probably try to deflect the questions for me. But, I do have a nosy aunt and my one cousin who live on gossip, they're mother and daughter. They don't need to know anything more than that. When my ex and I broke up, he was supposed to come to a wedding with me for my cousin, so when asked, I just told them it didn't work out. It was hard having to say it all night.

You don't need to keep everything private, but like snow_girl said, I also don't understand people who insist on maintaining that "everything is perfect between us" mask. I'm very honest with my friends and my family, as everyone on here already knows. I don't sugar coat anything, and I don't expect other people too either. The responses I got on my thread weren't ones I wanted to hear, but I know they are right. Everyone is absolutely right.

It is really up to you if you want to keep your relationship more private, but honestly, that gets lonely if and when an issue arises because no one will be able to "understand what happened because things were going so great," or whatever people usually say.

[differentcountries]

In the beginning I kept the relationship more private, now most of his and my friends know. I tell more and more friends now. It is not really the distance that worries me anymore, perhaps because we have proved that we can cope with distance, but our "special relationship" that makes it hard to tell our parents.

My SO has met my siblings, but they think he is my close friend. I have met many people from his family, all of them know we are dating but not all know about my husband.

SO is actually from a plural marriage family; his granddad was married to two women and so he had the two grandmothers living with him. The granny who is still alive is the 2nd wife that is not his bio grandmother and the aunt that lives with them is that granny's child so not bio-related to SO either. They are very close knitted. But of course a woman having more partners...

One reason to keep our romantic relationship private was also that I did not want him to have too many impressions at one time on his first visit - he did not take bad to visiting my country but it is strange to be somewhere new. The privacy also gives my family time to getting used to my attatchment to Turkey (they know I visit the country, learn the language, listen to music and so on), which I plan to use as a way to sugar the pill of poly - my dad also likes to travel so he thinks me going to Turkey is all great and my brother has studied linguistics so I can discuss Turkish with him. I want to tell them soon, though. It is hard to keep something as important a secret. At least if I get pregnant I am not going to keep from them who the biodad is.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

It's one thing to not tell everyone under the sun about your relationship, but a whole different thing to keep it a secret. If you ask me, talking about it means that you are positive about your relationship and your future. Not talking about it means that you question whether you are going to last. If that's the case for you, then your reasoning makes sense, but if not, keeping your relationship to yourself in case something goes bad one day is kind of predicting a future of a bad ending.

[farandaway]

What missingDutchlove says. I do think about that. I absolutely don't want to keep my relationship secret but the whole truth is just too much to handle for many. If I heard about us as an outsider I wouldn't give it much chance either. So it's just easier that I say to have a relationship but long distance and leave it at that. I trust us completely and that's enough. My mom and very few closest friends know more. I've learned to understand how private and also somewhat introverted a person my SO is. Those are both positive characteristics. He's not purposely keeping me as a secret but it's just how he is with everything. He has an immense faith on us that we will get through this. That's what really counts.

[Honour]

I did the whole secrecy thing way too much when I was 18-21. It caused more problems than not. I was too nervous of people's reactions, now I don't give a damn truth be told. The people that need to know, the people that matter, the people who I know will have my back if things ever, god forbid, go wrong already know. I don't need every tom, dick and harry knowing my business. I'm perfectly happy, so is my SO, that's all that matters.

[pizza_heart]

at first, only a couple of my close friends knew. We hadn't met yet, so i didn't want to make it a big deal or jinx it before i was certain of our situation. On his first visit, i introduced him to my mom, some family and friends. And that's when we made it official. Time went on and whenever someone asked i just said we were in a LDR. It's pretty common nowadays so people are getting less and less judgmental about it.

[Unicorn26]

I'm a similar age to you and I was ultra cautious about my LDR as we met online and it took a long time to meet in person. A few close friends knew and they understood. My family knew he was my close friend and tbh, they knew it was a romantic thing even though they didn't say anything.

After our first visit went so unbelievably well I came clean with my family, including my two young children and my ex husband. My mum was thrilled, really really happy, my dad is looking forward to meeting him in the spring. My ex not so much and it's been kind of tough on the kids too but they are coming around.

I'd be honest about your relationship to those you hold closest. Long distance is really tough at times and you're gonna need them to lean on.

[Mims27]

I did not tell my family/friends about our relationship for quite sometime either but not only because of the LDR but also because of the fact that she is a woman. But then I realised that my relationship makes me happy and my family/friends should be happy for me too, otherwise they aren't very supportive and I don't need that in my life. My sister was the biggest skeptic for our LDR...she thought it was the "easy way" to have a relationship...Ha! It's hard for people to understand at first but usually they come around. You should tell them...share your happiness.

[SiriAC]

I'm new to the forum and its a God send for many things I've been battling with. My SO is extremely private and I've brought up the fact that no one in his life knows about me! It's unsettling for me that when I go over to stay with him for 6 months or more, that suddenly people apart of his daily life would be devastated as to who I am and I'm sure his family and friends would raise questions.
Ive told my close friends and family about us but have only told my folks about me going over for a while.
Sometimes it makes me insecure that I'm a secret and other times I've wondered why he hasn't been proud to tell anyone I exist.
We've both been though quite a hellish experience with our exes and so I wonder if its his wall?

[R&R]

I've never had a problem sharing my relationship or the fact of it being an LDR. I was in my first LDR 16 years ago, when the internet was just starting to pick up speed. LDR's aren't anything new, so I don't understand people who have issues with it.

As far as privacy, the real question is why do you keep it private? I would put up a damn billboard about us; I don't care who knows. I love him and he makes me happy. If it ended up not working out, then if anyone asks then that's what I would say and leave it at that. My SO on the other hand, is extremely private. His kids, family and close friends all know about me. We're not on each others Facebook (for a couple of reasons) and he's just not really vocal about it. He figures he's told the people that need to know and it's really no one else's business. It's not for fear that if we broke up that he'd have to explain it, just that he only tells the important people in his life.