I can't believe this is happening

[underthewater]

This is my previous post https://members.lovingfromadistance....t-to-vent-here... To put the long story short, we had a little disagreement on something, and I honestly think it's his problem. I came here to vent, and I felt better then as his past is indeed the past and I believe I should focus on our presence. Since I told him I'd write him an email later, I wrote one which is kind of long, but anyone would be able to go through it within 10 minutes. In the email I said at the beginning that I'd drop it, but I wanted to make it clear that he did play with words and it's not necessary to do so as we're always honest to each other. I believe my letter is very sincere and rational, I even admitted that I said immature things on phone etc.

At the end of the email I said that since I'd have a meeting tomomrrow for a whole day, if he wants to call, please call at noon. I know he'd be drinking with his mates after work and won't be able to check his personal mailbox at work, I sent it to his work mailbox. I have to say I sent all kind of pictures and emails to his work account before, he never said anything. He even drew something and sent it back at work sometimes. And I know he can be busy sometimes at work so I made it clear in the title what this email was for so he could choose a time to read it. Then we were texting when he first got to work and he was ok, but then he never replied my text and I found out this later in my mailbox, he replied my email with only one sentence:

"Please avoid sending daytime soap opera to my work account. Thank you."

I just...don't know what to say. I can't believe my boyfriend is calling my email "daytime soap opera"...even it is one, how can he?? I feel so hurt and don't know what to do now...I can't believe this is happening.

[paulawriteslove]

Like I said before, you need to take a deep breath! I think that your SO thinks you are overreacting. That was his past and you are his present. Everybody has a past and we have to come to accept it. Maybe he didn't want to tell you because he was scared that you would overreact. Just try to calm down and relax. Best of luck!

[machstx]

i can relate. for example the other day we had a fight about him and a strip club long story short he was being rude and as if i was ANNOYING him with questions about him going to one. like it didnt matter how i felt and i was stupid. he would answer me and was saying .i was so hurt! like wtf im asking if u went and u wont answer me??

anyway i think guys say mean things when they are guilty. its there way of being defensive. whenever my bf hurts my feelings his first reaction is to say how its not his fault or make me out to be the bad guy then when he understands how hurt i am he gets it lol. so he probably knows he is wrong and said the soap opera thing to hurt u a bit maybe get back at u and avoid the email. what do u think?

p.s. i didnt read ur previous post say maybe i have it all wrong haha.

[pytsip]

I think you need to give him some time to adjust to the distance. It seems as though you are doing exactly what I did when Belvy left for China (ironically ) and I have to say that Belvy had much of the same reaction that your guy is having. What he said was very hurtful, and I'm sure that he will apologize for it and I'm sure he'll realize the error of his ways. My advice though is to step back, don't attack him about everything, right now is when he needs your support, not your criticism. I'm not saying this because this is what I think, but as I said before, I jumped on Belvy about a lot of things when he first went over there, and his response was that he really didn't appreciate me not being supportive of him and helping him cope with being there. I think that your guy might be torn because he's expecting you to be supportive of what he's doing and instead it seems to him that you're jumping on him about everything.

With that being said, try to take a step back, understand that you still need to tell him your feelings and such, but try to look at it from a guys point of view when you tell him these feelings, at least for the next month or so until you two get comfortable with everything. he's got so much overwhelming him right now, and it's probably pretty difficult for him to stop and think that us women have different ways of communicating than they do, he sees your email as "I'm sorry BUT..." where as you see your email as "I'm sorry but this is how I FEEL..." if you understand what i mean with that.

[underthewater]

Thanks everyone for replying. What really hurt my feeling is how mean he can be, I find it not acceptable. I heard this story that hurtful words are like a nail in a wooden board, even after you remove the nail, the hole is still there. I told my boyfriend this story and he totally agreed. Of course people are in all different kinds of situation everyday but there should be a limit and certain things just can't be said!

I've been as supportive as possible really, but now I'm feeling so silly-I was telling him everything I knew about Hong Kong from the beginning of the relationship (when we didn't know his move) because he told me how interested he was in Asian culture and I used to live in Hong Kong for two years. Since he's with that native Hong Kong girl for 1.5 years, he probably knew a lot more than me or at least plenty of things I was talking about. And he just never once mentioned it??

[Rach321]

I agree that it seems very strange that he neglected to mention it. I really can't tell you why he would do that. Perhaps he just doesn't believe that current lovers should talk about their past? So he didn't really see it as relevant to your relationship? Perhaps he purposefully kept it from you because he knew that you liked feeling like you were the first Chinese girl he has been with, and he didn't want to take that away from you?

Regardless, I would be really hurt if my boyfriend said something like that to me. Sounds like he's frustrated or wants to avoid it, so he's pushing it back onto you. Try to relax, give time for both of you to reflect on the situation, and then talk about it when you're both in a place to really be able to focus on the conversation.

People can say things out of frustration that seem much harsher than they really are. Try not to let it upset you too much, ok?

[Èternity]

I may be way off but did he just mean to use his personal email account for personal emails? or does he only have one email address and that's the work one? Maybe he just doesn't want personal stuff going to his work account. Just an idea, hope it works out in the end.

[Karringtyn]

Don't have much more to add than what has already been said...I can understand why you are hurt by the comment...but breathe...and hold on...you will work through it....

[Moon]

While you are completely justified in being hurt by his mean response, you really shouldn't send that kind of email to his work address. I don't know about the laws in China, but over here email sent to a work address is owned by your employer and NOT private. I'm in IT, and at anytime I can go in and view anyone's messages, I don't of course, but if asked by someone's manager, I can grant full access without the employees knowledge. Honestly, it's best to leave work email alone, except in an emergency, even though it's tempting since you know he'll get it earlier.

As for what he said, well he really should have been nicer about that! Something like "Hey, please send this stuff to my personal address only, thanks" would have been sufficient. I'd be pretty mad about it.

[underthewater]

Since we were texting yesterday right before he saw it, he later replied my text saying "I just hope you aren't losing sleep because you are worried about our conversation last night. Not being able to sleep is bad." It seemed that he's more rational in choosing his words then!

His personal email is not accessible at work, and as I said I sent him cartoons and other personal message to his work email, he never said anything. Sometimes we even chatted a bit there. I really don't think it's just about his work account.

I don't know what I should say when he called today, or if he'd call today. He tends to avoid apologizing for things or admitting his mistake. I guess he probably will try to make this sound like nothing and then accuse me for overracting on nothing...

[Silviar]

I don't know what I should say when he called today, or if he'd call today. He tends to avoid apologizing for things or admitting his mistake. I guess he probably will try to make this sound like nothing and then accuse me for overracting on nothing...

I hope that you will proceed carefully with your relationship, given this and the other stuff you've posted. I'm sorry, but being unable to apologize for his portion of the argument and the overreacting accusations are red flags for an emotional manipulator. I'm not saying he is, but don't be afraid to stick to your guns in that sometimes some things are your fault, but it takes two to tango. And if he'll always act like everything is one-sided, then keep in mind that'll extend to everything else you do for the rest of your life together.

[Karringtyn]

I don't know what I should say when he called today, or if he'd call today. He tends to avoid apologizing for things or admitting his mistake. I guess he probably will try to make this sound like nothing and then accuse me for overracting on nothing...

Hmmm...been there with my ex. You should be able to voice how you feel...sometimes we DO overreact...and you apologized for it. But there was a reason why you acted the way you did. It is NOT your fault to express your feelings...honest and true relationships work through that.

[leonina]

If you tell him you were hurt by the comment he made and he just writes it off as "Oh I thought you were overreacting." and he doesn't apologize- you should reevaluate being in this relationship. As Silviar said this could be a sign of emotional abuser. Since we don't have the full story about what the email contained I really don't know whether his reply was justified or not. I would talk to him briefly about the matter "Your comment back to me sounded snappy and upset me because I was trying to apologize to you." but don't bring up anything else about how he should have told you about the girl.

Put one issue in front of him at a time and right now the most important thing is that you were upset by his reply.

[pytsip]

Thanks everyone for replying. What really hurt my feeling is how mean he can be, I find it not acceptable. I heard this story that hurtful words are like a nail in a wooden board, even after you remove the nail, the hole is still there. I told my boyfriend this story and he totally agreed. Of course people are in all different kinds of situation everyday but there should be a limit and certain things just can't be said!

I've been as supportive as possible really, but now I'm feeling so silly-I was telling him everything I knew about Hong Kong from the beginning of the relationship (when we didn't know his move) because he told me how interested he was in Asian culture and I used to live in Hong Kong for two years. Since he's with that native Hong Kong girl for 1.5 years, he probably knew a lot more than me or at least plenty of things I was talking about. And he just never once mentioned it??

I'm not saying that what he said isn't hurtful, I'd be extremely upset if Belvy said something to me like that. You definitely need to talk to him about it, but maybe wait until you can talk on the phone or on skype and try to refrain from sending emotional emails when you're upset. Emails are extremely impersonal and I've come to the realization that if I'm upset with something that Belvy has done (or neglected to do) that if I send him an email about it most of the time he reads it the wrong way and thinks that I'm just attacking him. So my advice is just again, take a step back, wait until you can talk to him about it, and i mean talk as in voice to voice. I always like to give the benefit of the doubt, and possibly there is an explanation for his harsh words, it could be possible that his employer read the email and that he wasn't even the one who sent it (honestly, to me that sounds exactly like what a boss would send if they saw that email on a work account). I'm not saying that he does have an excuse, or that even if he does have an excuse if it's a good one, but for right now all you can do is wait to talk to him and see how things are, from there, take it how it is.

[underthewater]

Hi everyone, so we talked this afternoon when he just left the bar and I was on a bus. The moment I heard his voice, I knew he's guilty! You know that kind of all in a sudden the boyfriend becoming extra nice and gentle thing? But I didn't even mention that email as I obviously didn't want to talk about things like that in public. We had a short conversation and he said that once I finished my meeting later, I could call and see if he's still awake as he wanted to know my opinion on an apartment he viewed before. Nobody brought that email up. And he had passed out already when I was done so we didn't talk then.

If anyone is interested, I don't mind to share this email with you through personal message-I honestly think that email I sent is rational and mature, I didn't say anything emotional or over-defensive, honestly! I actually hope if anyone would like to have a look at it and give some neutral comments.

And about my bf not apologizing, yeah, I noticed a while ago that sometimes he didn't say "sorry" when I thought there's supposed to be a "sorry". I'm not sure if it's an Asian thing but I say "sorry" all the time! But he tends to explain a lot when I'm not happy with certain things why he did it his way in the first place (while I'd say sorry anyways just for the sake of me bothering the other person)...well, I have to admit I became a bit too sentive during the last few weeks we spent together, so if that period of time doesn't count, it's over all ok. Sometimes my bf just reminded me my dad who cares about his ego a bit too much. I think it is a "guy's ego" thing.