Should I...(surprise) visit my ex?

[tracyanne]

So, I've opened a topic where I talked about our problems, if anyone wants to see that.
We've been together for 6 months, we've basically been really distant for the past 3 weeks or so, it really bothered me but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I was putting off the talk because I was scared.
Then, on Friday, he broke up with me. He said it doesn't work for him(he blames it on the distance), that we've been distant etc. I think he feels the same as I do, he just went too far because I would at least try to fix it.
Anyway the break up left me shocked, really really hurt and betrayed. We both cried, it was really painful. I think he gave up easy and way too soon, sometimes I get really angry and upset when I think about it, sometimes I can't live without him and I still love him, that's the damn problem... You know the drill.
I'm trying not to be clingy or anything when we talk, since we do talk. We've talked every day except for Monday, we've even Skyped and watched anime, since we agreed to be friends. That confuses me, since he wanted to break up, but it's not like that much has changed since the break up? We are just friendly and we talk less for sure, but it doesn't look like we really broke up.
I don't think he realizes what a break up means, I think this is more of a cry for help(since he's emotional and he'll protect himself first) than a break up? I think he still has feelings for me. I could be wrong, eh...
So I have this idea to go and surprise visit him.(it's like a 5 hour bus drive) Or maybe I should ask to vsit him first?
I think I'll be fine even if he slams the door at my face because at least I know I gave it my best and that will give me some peace. I don't have much to loose, except some money haha and some dignity but eh, that's life.
I don't know, I think I'm here just for some advice in general, (how) should I fix this, does he feel anything or am I fooling myself?

[whatruckus]

You can't make someone get back together with you, or change their mind, and I seriously doubt a visit will do that. It's clear there were problems in your relationship before that, especially if you guys started becoming distant. If he feels like a break up is what needed to be done, then that is his decision. It sucks, but that's something you need to understand. Also, if you guys just broke up on Friday, isn't that a little too soon for you to decide whether or not he's serious about it? It hasn't even been a week.

I think if you really still want to be with him, maybe you should actually have a talk about what exactly happened. What changed that made him feel like a break up was necessary? What changed that made you two become distant for almost a month? And, if you two do get back together, is the same thing going to happen again where you become distant?

And about you saying that "things haven't really changed since the break up", well of course not. You guys were friends while you were dating. The only thing that typically changes is the intimacy.

For some people, the distance gets to them too much and they can't handle it.

[tracyanne]

I know, you're right. It's just hard to understand that, but of course I want to accept and respect his decision.
And maybe he's not serious about it (that's a bit comforting) but I have to think that he is.
Yeah that's what I was mostly wondering, should I talk to him about my feelings? Or should I distance myself a little bit?
Because I always see advice like ''you should distance yourself, don't contact him, make him miss you, think you're busy...'' but that's really not my style because it's not honest.
It's healthy to have some distance to cool off and think about it but it's not like I can avoid him, and he is the first to say hi most of the time.

[pizza_heart]

From my experience...i wouldn't do it. At least not as a surprise visit, you don't know what's really going on around him that made him wanna break things off with you. I made the mistake of following through with my plan of visiting my now ex, while things were kinda rocky. He was distant the whole time, and i was left broken hearted, lonely, poor, felt rejected and he dumped me for another chick like a week later. He still tried to remain friends with me, and til this day, 5 years later, he still texts me and wants to be friends.

We are just friendly and we talk less for sure, but it doesn't look like we really broke up. You might not see it cause of the distance and lack of interaction, but in his mind he is most likely living the single man's life. He might still love you, but some people can't handle the commitment it takes to make a LDR or any relationship work.

[whatruckus]

'you should distance yourself, don't contact him, make him miss you, think you're busy...''

That's a load of crap in my opinion. I would say keep your distance for now until at least next week, so he's had time to think and you had time to think. From your other posts (I read your other Topic), it seems like he's just become busy with school and you didn't assert yourself in your conversations and were a little too meek. And, I hate to say it, but there is a possibility he might've met someone else at school and that's why he started becoming distant. You said he started a couple of months ago? Has he spoken about anyone in particular, especially a girl?

Not trying to put things in your head, but there's always that possibility if he just started becoming distant when things were fine before that.

[tracyanne]

Here's the thing tho, he's not the only one that's been distant. Of course I made mistakes too.
For example

you didn't assert yourself in your conversations and were a little too meek.

this is absolutely true and I was cold/moody as well. I got annoyed because he'd talk too much about school sometimes and I felt like I didn't get to talk as much. So I didn't try to be as understandable and I overreacted in my head.
We both became distant, probably because we're afraid of getting hurt.
So I highly doubt there's another girl, but of course I couldn't be sure of that, for anyone.

That's a load of crap in my opinion. I would say keep your distance for now until at least next week, so he's had time to think and you had time to think. From your other posts (I read your other Topic), it seems like he's just become busy with school and you didn't assert yourself in your conversations and were a little too meek. And, I hate to say it, but there is a possibility he might've met someone else at school and that's why he started becoming distant. You said he started a couple of months ago? Has he spoken about anyone in particular, especially a girl?

Not trying to put things in your head, but there's always that possibility if he just started becoming distant when things were fine before that.

I agree that it's a load of crap Thanks for the advice!
No, he wasn't distant before all of this.
I think it all started because of my moodiness, like he got distant because I got distant/moody.
He didn't mention a specific girl, he's a guy that has more girl friends than guys (which I'm okay with and I don't have trust issues with because I get along with guys better as well) so I really doubt it and I wouldn't concern myself with that... But again, you can't ever know for sure.

In the end, it's probably just hard... School is his big focus right now and he seems to think we wouldn't see each other as much because of tests and stuff. But I think we could make it work and see each other more, and of course we can fix this and communicate better, the only question is if he wants to?

[whatruckus]

In the end, it's probably just hard... School is his big focus right now and he seems to think we wouldn't see each other as much because of tests and stuff. But I think we could make it work and see each other more, and of course we can fix this and communicate better, the only question is if he wants to?

Pretty much. He's probably not used to being in school and trying to balance an relationship (especially an LDR). I think you should just give him some time to clear his head.

[snow_girl]

Do NOT under any circumstances surprise visit your ex. Just because he cried and whatever doesn't mean he didn't want this. Going to see him is the one of the most unattractive things someone could do. You've just broken up, work on moving on, not stalking him. He probably doesn't want to talk or see you.

[R&R]

No, definitely don't go surprise him. A bad move all around. This isn't a movie where surprising your ex makes them realize that they miss you and it all works out in the end.

There have been quite a few of these "we broke up and I don't think they mean it" threads lately. I understand breakups are hard and no one wants to be on the receiving end of it. If someone breaks up with you, why would you want to try to rekindle something with someone who has flat out said they don't want a relationship with you? If I'm told being in a relationship with me is unwanted - ok, see ya later. And if this is their go to response when things get tough, is that how you want to end up spending your time with them? In a big circle of "we're together', "no we're not", "we're together", "no we're not". No one needs that emotional roller coaster.

[tracyanne]

I know, I think about what you said as well sometimes. Why would I want to be with someone who runs off when things get a bit hard? It doesn't make sense.
But, I still have feelings for him. So, I'll wait for things to cool off and just talk to him, if he wants to. And if that goes well, we can see each other. That's as rational as I can be right now.
I know I'm running away from dealing with this break up but I can't really accept it without trying to fix it and giving it my best first.

[R&R]

I know, I think about what you said as well sometimes. Why would I want to be with someone who runs off when things get a bit hard? It doesn't make sense.
But, I still have feelings for him. So, I'll wait for things to cool off and just talk to him, if he wants to. And if that goes well, we can see each other. That's as rational as I can be right now.
I know I'm running away from dealing with this break up but I can't really accept it without trying to fix it and giving it my best first.

I just want to ask you have put yourself in his shoes? Say you broke up with someone. How would you feel if they kept coming around or trying to convince you it could be worked out when you had already made up your mind? Would you be happy about it? Would you want to see them? Or would your eyes roll every time the phone rang and you put them to voicemail? Would texts from them be responded to or would you end up blocking them?

[tracyanne]

I have thought about what I'd feel like if someone who I broke up with visited me. So, probably not good, I won't do that.
I haven't tried to convince him, I haven't bothered him about it or mentioned it(I said I'm not good when he asked how I was but that's about it). We talk casually, since we agreed to be friends, he messages me most of the time.
I just want to ask him for a talk, he can say no of course.

[Miasmata]

Wanting some closure in the form of a talk is not a bad thing, even after a breakup. BUT, be prepared that it might not happen. Give him some time, and then ask politely and with respect for his boundaries - And if he says no, then accept that no. Sometimes people try to be friends and/or try to get closure and it can work out, but it can also very well not. Be prepared that he might decide that to move on, he needs to cut you out further from his life or just leave you behind, at least temporarily. Breakups are rough and you don't have to be ashamed that you are struggling to cope with it, but just like you want your boundaries to be respected, respect his too.

[Honour]

Talking, in time, might bring closure. But when it comes to meeting, nopity nope nope!

[differentcountries]

I know I'm running away from dealing with this break up but I can't really accept it without trying to fix it and giving it my best first.

You can't fix it. It is broken beyond repair. It does not matter what your best efforts are, he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you. Even if, as I experienced in the past, the person still has a lot of feelings, that does not matter if they are not capable of being in a relationship. It is a great quality to want to give things your best shot and in the future you will probably get a chance to do just that - with a different person.