Girlfriends wants more space forever

[Albertx]

Hello,

I've been in a LDR for nearly 4 months now. I met her in summer on a party where I was on holiday. She was in couple at that moment and we started talking and she told me that she really liked me. After a month or so, she left her boyfriend to be with me, so she really loves me I would say. We talked for hours, from the morning till the night, through texts and Skype.
When her school started again, she had free hours in which we Skyped every time as well. After I went back to see her for the first time and came back home then, she told me that we wouldn't Skype anymore in her free hours at school, because she wanted to spend more time with her friends. (I understand ofcourse, that's not a big deal).

A month after that, I went to see her again, and then I came home again. A few days after that she told me that she needed more space. By that she means, not texting that much anymore. She also finds that I ask too many questions and it's annoying she says.

Also, I used to call her after school every day when she was in the bus on her way home. Now? Never again, she didn't want that anymore.
We used to send snaps (Snapchat) every day, now never again.
We also have a lot of arguments for nothing, mostly started by her. If we play an online game and she loses (against me), she gets really angry and she wants me to leave her alone then.

I am a person who is really close to the people that I love and I love to talk to those people, especially my girlfriend. She knows that it's really hard for me not to talk to her.
About an hour ago, I asked her if it was just temporary to give her space, but she told me that it was forever.
After I heard that, I kinda got a weird feeling my stomach, knowing that I couldn't do this forever.
But there is no way I would want to leave her, because I love her so much..


What could I do? Are there any suggestions? I really don't know what to do.. It kinda hurts..

Best regards,

Albert

[MissButterfly]

First of all, welcome to the forum!
You should definitely talk to her about this. Communication is by far the most important thing in any relationship, especially a long-distance one. If she's cut the contact that much, and she says it's forever, you should really try to figure out the reason behind this sudden change, because it sounds like there are things she is not telling you. If she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore or has doubts, this is a very unfair way to let it show. Ask her to be honest with you about her expectations, and explain to her that you cannot do this forever. Is she your age, or is she younger? LDRs are tough, and certainly not for everyone, but if she has issues with the relationship she should be able to communicate them. You deserve much better than someone who doesn't want to talk to you. However, this 'forever' thing sounds quite immature, so you might want to think about what you really want out of this.

[Albertx]

First of all, welcome to the forum!
You should definitely talk to her about this. Communication is by far the most important thing in any relationship, especially a long-distance one. If she's cut the contact that much, and she says it's forever, you should really try to figure out the reason behind this sudden change, because it sounds like there are things she is not telling you. If she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore or has doubts, this is a very unfair way to let it show. Ask her to be honest with you about her expectations, and explain to her that you cannot do this forever. Is she your age, or is she younger? LDRs are tough, and certainly not for everyone, but if she has issues with the relationship she should be able to communicate them. You deserve much better than someone who doesn't want to talk to you. However, this 'forever' thing sounds quite immature, so you might want to think about what you really want out of this.

Thanks!
Honestly, if there is a problem, I am the one who wants to talk about it but she doesn't want to.
Also, if I tell her something that I don't like, it feels like she tries to defend herself, even though I tell her it's not necessary because I'm not trying to attack her or something.
Well, the reason of the sudden change is that she finds that im too 'glued' on her. She wants more time for herself and time to spend with her friends. When she's at school, I send her messages in Whatsapp. She read the message, but then doesn't reply. Last week she didn't answer me for 4 hours even though she saw the message. When I asked her why she didn't respond for 4 hours she said that she couldn't because she was in class. Even in her break she didn't reply.
I also told her that because of those things I have doubts about if she still wants this and if she still loves me. Her answer was that she still wants it and she still loves me.
At some points it just feels like she totally forgets me, when she's with her friends for example..
Also at some points I think to myself that I deserve a better one than her, because in my opinion I'm really good for her and she told me that as well. But I don't want another one, because I love her so much. And in 16 days I'll visit her again for a week.

She's 17, so 3 years younger than me.

Thanks for the quick reply.

[differentcountries]

There are many times I don't respond to SO for 8 hours or more - when I am at work. You bother her during school hours when she is IN CLASS and don't let her spend time with her friends during breaks. I would also feel "glued" to someone if they texted or called me constantly. Why should she contact you when she is with her friends? I mean sometimes I get creativev and Skype with SO for 10 minutes at at party,but by and large when I am with my friens I focus on them, not SO....

[pizza_heart]

My SO and i used to call and/or text each other even when out with friends, and he would call me(still does) when he gets out from work, so do i. Of course, i was also understanding if he told me he was staying over with his friends, then i knew that he might not reply back for hours. Communication, people!

To me it sounds she is not handling the LDR aspect well. Also, she is young and maybe she still doesn't cope with the idea of having an "invisible boyfriend". Sorry to say this, but she sounds like a bitchy brat. You might love her, but if she loves you the least she can do is have some respect for you.

[differentcountries]

My SO and i used to call and/or text each other even when out with friends, and he would call me(still does) when he gets out from work, so do i. Of course, i was also understanding if he told me he was staying over with his friends, then i knew that he might not reply back for hours. Communication, people!

To me it sounds she is not handling the LDR aspect well. Also, she is young and maybe she still doesn't cope with the idea of having an "invisible boyfriend". Sorry to say this, but she sounds like a bitchy brat. You might love her, but if she loves you the least she can do is have some respect for you.

Sure, but he i asking for a lot more than getting a single call when she is home from school. He expects her to reply during the schoolday, and thinks that her having class is a bad excuse to not text with him.

[Albertx]

Sure, but he i asking for a lot more than getting a single call when she is home from school. He expects her to reply during the schoolday, and thinks that her having class is a bad excuse to not text with him.

No, but when she reads my messages and doesn't reply for 4 hours.
When you have the time to read it, you have the time to answer in my opinion. Even if it's a message like: "I'm busy now", or something like that.
I don't think that's too much.

But just the fact that a lot has changed. Before we talked all day long, Skyped all day long. Now that's just all disappearing.

[MissButterfly]

No, but when she reads my messages and doesn't reply for 4 hours.
When you have the time to read it, you have the time to answer in my opinion. Even if it's a message like: "I'm busy now", or something like that.
I don't think that's too much.

But just the fact that a lot has changed. Before we talked all day long, Skyped all day long. Now that's just all disappearing.

Just because that's what your understanding is, doesn't mean that she thinks the same way. From what you've elaborated now it sounds like you're not really allowing her to have her own life. At school, with her friends, you can't expect constant attention. If that is the reason she has given you, you need to respect this. If this is not enough for you, then you either have to come to a compromise about what is an acceptable amount of talking/texting, or decide that your expectations are too different. It's sweet that you want to talk to her all the time, but it's important that you have your own life, activities, friends, and let her have that too. Especially if she's only 17, she's in the middle of her youth and probably has better things to do than be ready to respond to you 24/7, or she'll continue to feel too much pressure.

[pizza_heart]

Sure, but he i asking for a lot more than getting a single call when she is home from school. He expects her to reply during the schoolday, and thinks that her having class is a bad excuse to not text with him.

She's not in school 24/7. From what i've read, she's not even answering after school/doesnt want to be called on her free time either. That itself is a reason to be concerned of she really wanting a relationship or not. What 17 year old doesn't spend all day texting her friends/on snapchat?

[Honour]

What 17 year old doesn't spend all day texting her friends/on snapchat?

I really don't agree with this. Just because you make the assumption doesn't mean it's true, it's a stereotype, not the reality. Whilst a lot of 17 year olds might, I was one of many 17 year olds I knew at the time that didn't text others all the time, I've never used snapchat and know plenty that didn't/haven't as well, some have better things to do. I still don't text 24/7, still never used Snapchat. There's more to life than a phone and social media.

OP, if she and you can both come to a compromise, then this will be your best foot forward. You can't expect her to realistically respond to you instantly 24/7, but nor should she keep you on edge for long time periods without a reason or the odd message of "I'm unable to talk right now, I'm busy" or something similar. Have a discussion about this.

[Chillosaurus]

I have a few suggestions what you could do addtionally to putting away that phone:
- watch a movie
- play sports
- meet new people
- bake a cake
- visit a concert
- study
- climb a mountain
- read a book
- go to the theatre
- have a drink with your buddies
- buy me a present
- invite a homeless person for dinner
- play a prank to your classmate
- take a dancing class
- watch all Jackie-Chan movies
- add more items to this List!
If you ever get into the situation again that you don't know what to do; pick up the list and start all-over.

[pizza_heart]

I really don't agree with this. Just because you make the assumption doesn't mean it's true, it's a stereotype, not the reality. Whilst a lot of 17 year olds might, I was one of many 17 year olds I knew at the time that didn't text others all the time, I've never used snapchat and know plenty that didn't/haven't as well, some have better things to do. I still don't text 24/7, still never used Snapchat. There's more to life than a phone and social media.

OP, if she and you can both come to a compromise, then this will be your best foot forward. You can't expect her to realistically respond to you instantly 24/7, but nor should she keep you on edge for long time periods without a reason or the odd message of "I'm unable to talk right now, I'm busy" or something similar. Have a discussion about this.

you said it, you were someone who didn't, but i can bet my money on most users over here live with their phones practically attached to their hand because they are in a LDR. to each their own, but you can't expect to have a relationship and not EVER text your SO back when you do have the time. It's basic: communicate, once, twice a day maybe, but don't leave a message unresponded "forever".

[differentcountries]

She's not in school 24/7. From what i've read, she's not even answering after school/doesnt want to be called on her free time either. That itself is a reason to be concerned of she really wanting a relationship or not. What 17 year old doesn't spend all day texting her friends/on snapchat?

At 17 she also has homework and other duties, and as she said, her friends. He does not say she does not answer, he says that there is a delay and that she does not respond right away, which upsets him. She may spend her time with physical friends who might become upset if she texts with her guy constantly.

[Moon]

It sounds to me like she's not ready for this type of relationship, or any relationship with serious intent. People mature at different rates and it seems like she's not there yet, it's a shame and not anybody's fault, but it can happen when you date a few years younger at your age. If she actually loved you in a romantic way, she would want to talk and spend time with you, maybe not excessively and she'd still want time with her friends and need to do school stuff, but telling you she needs space "forever" is a really bad indicator, I'm afraid. I'm sorry about that.

[hmrambling]

I read about couples here and see folks in my life, both young and older, who text non-stop. I don't see how this can be healthy, let alone sustainable. How is a person present for class or work when he/she is texting non-stop? As for not taking a phone call while on the bus, this makes sense to me, too. My partner and I dedicate uninterrupted time to each other to talk. We talk nearly every day. So I personally don't think cutting back on the texting and phone calls at inconvenient times indicate that there's a problem.

What indicates that there's is a problem is her irritability toward you. It sounds like you may have to determine what behavior is acceptable, and what behavior is not acceptable. If it is unacceptable that she becomes irritable and short with you because she lost a game to you, then you need to set a boundary around how you want to be treated.

I encourage folks all of the time to get out, explore interests, hobbies, hang out with friends, be present in work and school. If your life becomes hanging on to a phone waiting for the next text, what will your life look like if/when the relationship is gone? A person needs to have a complete, full life. A full life doesn't look like holding onto a phone 24/7 waiting for a text.

Texting constantly doesn't sound sustainable. There's no way that I could text constantly over months or years, without my work and social life suffering.