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**R&R** · December 12, 2015, 12:25 PM

Honestly, there is nothing you can do about how she feels. She is in a bad place right now and apparently wants everyone to feel badly and has no regard for anyone but herself. Only she has control over what she feels and her actions towards others.

What your SO has control over is what he feels and his actions. He can be understanding of his mothers situation but be firm in telling her and his family that him being away for a few hours or a day isn't going to detrimental to her and she has other things she can focus on while he's not there. He's an adult and he needs to speak up. You can blame his mom and family but it comes down to your SO and what he WILL do to be able to see you.

Let me be clear, I am not being mean about his mother. I am a 2-time cancer survivor. Last time it appeared, they had me in surgery within a week. If it comes back and isn't caught immediately.....well that's something I try not to worry about. So, no, I have no pity for those who use a disease to manipulate others around them.

**Honour** · December 12, 2015, 12:28 PM

Facebook causes more problems than it's worth. Have you, perhaps, considered that your attitude towards her might be part of the reason why she doesn't like you? I remember reading your other posts, and they all seemed to have this similar theme running through them. You were given good, solid advice, too...

**snow_girl** · December 12, 2015, 12:43 PM

You have her on facebook, that is your problem

**differentcountries** · December 12, 2015, 07:41 PM

You have posted threads about this before. She may dislike you, hate is a strong word. I am sure being worried for her son and having cancer is not a good place to be for her.

As for your logistical problems, she may be less than nice but she is not obliged to help a romantic relationship she does not support. It is up to your SO to be a grown man and make decitions for himself, like make arrangements outside his family to get to wherever he can meet you.

**JaneEmily** · December 13, 2015, 09:34 AM

Sorry for the long response in advance.

Something my therapist said about my own relationship with my fianc�'s family really struck a chord with me last week. I was telling him that I found like maybe his family didn't like me because they never gave me a chance to get to know them and vice versa. And that I find it hard to approach people when they shut themselves off to me like they had for most of our relationship and frankly it frustrated me and made me feel like I wasn't worth getting to know, but my therapist said this:

'Have you ever considered to them that it's not that they don't like you, they just don't know how to cope with a situation. You're in a long distance relationship with someone you met online, his parents come from a generation where if they dated someone - it was usually a person from the same neighbourhood. They might be scared, they might not understand why their son would prefer to be with someone so far away when the way they were brought up it was completely different. Does that make sense? Which of the two options do you find has more rationality and more evidence supporting it? The fact that they don't like you or know you, or the fact that to them it's a completely new experience and they haven't had to deal with something like that before? Where you are seeing it in your point of view and it being them maybe not liking you, they're seeing it from a completely different perspective. No two people have the same perspective, so what you feel is normal in a world full of technology and easily able to connect with someone online to the point you're in a relationship with them, isn't normal to them.'

And it actually made sense. There is NOTHING wrong with me being myself. In order to develop a relationship with your in-laws, you need to show them that there is nothing to be afraid of and that you respect their wishes. I've been with my fianc� for four years now, and only just am I able to have a normal relationship with them. I sent my mother and sister in-law (the nice one) a Christmas card each with two wish bracelets earlier this month, and they really appreciated it. In fact, they said it was SUPER sweet of me. Since then, his sister has added me on Whatsapp and we now message each other every other day. We're bonding regularly. I sent those things not expecting anything back, and now his mother and sister are sending me things. Even his grandma on his dad's side has recently requested to add me on facebook out of the blue.

Attitudes on both sides were the problem in this case. Where I assumed that they just hated me because I was in a relationship with their son and even though I make him happier than he has probably ever been, I expected them to like me just because I could do that. But it's really not as simple as that. His family were scared that I had no interest in being a part of his family and just stealing him away - which I would never dream of doing. Sometimes it just takes switching the perspective around to understand that even the smallest fear stops us from developing healthy relationships with people. Where I avoided interacting with them in fear of them judging me, they avoided interacting or getting to know me in fear of me stealing their son.

If you want his mother to like you. Change your attitude, try to be understanding that it's not because she doesn't like you. We say that communication with our SO's are key, but I think many people forget that we also have to learn to communicate with their families too. If you make the effort and show her that you respect her wishes, especially if she is being impulsive and trying to stop you meeting up, chances are she'll come around sooner. Send her messages asking how she is, get to know (note: don't pressure) if there's anything you can do to make her feel more at ease. Make his family feel just included. Sending him something for Christmas or another holiday such as a card? Send his family one too wishing them a happy holiday season. Know one of them is going away? Wish them a safe trip.

You say you think she doesn't like you because you had sex: so she doesn't agree with sex before marriage, I'm assuming? Maybe she's scared that if you two continue to meet up, you'll have more sex and then you'll end up pregnant. Seriously, before any of my siblings and I ever thought about having sex with someone, my own mother would go on about if they got pregnant, she'd disown them (to guilt trip them out of her fear that her children were just simply growing up too fast for her liking) which she never did end up going through with.

I think if you just changed how you approached the situation and made yourself more approachable to her, and not hostile...she'd relax a lot more.

**spanglishjoe** · December 13, 2015, 04:22 PM

I'm sorry to hear this and understand the frustration, from what you've written.

The immediate issue I notice here is that you don't understand her ("I don't know what happened"). I think this is the number one issue you are facing. Before you make assumptions, I would make that a priority. There are a lot of ways to do this, from hopping a grayhound or megabus (if available) to asking your boyfriend about it to writing her a nice letter explaining how you feel and expressing how you care about her as the mom of your boyfriend and want to get to know her. I think deleting her from facebook was an emotional reaction that didn't help, if you want more with this man, you can't hope his mom will just disappear.

I think that people with chronic sickness or disabilities are often misunderstood. They experience pain and a lack of understanding from those in the communities around them that we don't often think about in our day-to-day lives. It doesn't make it right for her to lash out, but it is a chance for you to understand that some of her reaction might just be a byproduct of the situation she's going through. If she liked you early on, chances are that she either still does, or you can gain her trust by having some patience with her and making extra effort (not saying you don't, I'm writing based off what I read).

Your boyfriend has a role in this too of course. I don't know how he's reacted to the situations you mention, but while you're working to get to know his mom, he should be doing everything he can to make that easier for you. He needs to be having a good talk with her, representing the positive in your relationship, working with her to find a compromise for him to visit you while making sure her needs are met as well. He's her son, and he needs to figure it out.

It's unfortunate that some of this responsibility has fallen on you. If it's too much, it's understandable. But if you and your boyfriend want to make it work, I think there are steps you can both take to understand her and get through this period.

**BryansGirl** · December 13, 2015, 08:48 PM

Originally posted by R&R View Post

Honestly, there is nothing you can do about how she feels. She is in a bad place right now and apparently wants everyone to feel badly and has no regard for anyone but herself. Only she has control over what she feels and her actions towards others.

What your SO has control over is what he feels and his actions. He can be understanding of his mothers situation but be firm in telling her and his family that him being away for a few hours or a day isn't going to detrimental to her and she has other things she can focus on while he's not there. He's an adult and he needs to speak up. You can blame his mom and family but it comes down to your SO and what he WILL do to be able to see you.

Let me be clear, I am not being mean about his mother. I am a 2-time cancer survivor. Last time it appeared, they had me in surgery within a week. If it comes back and isn't caught immediately.....well that's something I try not to worry about. So, no, I have no pity for those who use a disease to manipulate others around them.

He has thought about just leaving and getting a bus anyway BUT, he lives so far out in the country no cabs go out there, and he is 20 MILES from the bus station He would need his stepdad to drive him to the bus station and if they refuse to he has no other option but not to go. He lives 15 minutes from the nearest town, but the bus station is 2 towns over which is 20 Miles away

**R&R** · December 13, 2015, 09:22 PM

Originally posted by BryansGirl View Post

He has thought about just leaving and getting a bus anyway BUT, he lives so far out in the country no cabs go out there, and he is 20 MILES from the bus station He would need his stepdad to drive him to the bus station and if they refuse to he has no other option but not to go. He lives 15 minutes from the nearest town, but the bus station is 2 towns over which is 20 Miles away

If there is a will, there is a way. Time to stop listing all the reasons why it won't work and find a way that will work.

**hmrambling** · December 15, 2015, 10:37 AM

In the months that you have posted here, neither of the two of you have your own transportation. She might not like that you seem to lack initiative or that your concerns about your relationship trump her illness.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter much what other people think. What do you think of yourself and your progress on meeting your goals of getting a job and transportation?

Nearly all of your posts fail to take responsibility for the relationship, and hold other people responsible for your discontentment.

When I see things in my life that I am unhappy with, I remind myself that I have two choices:

1. accept it
2. change it

Please do one of the two things.

If you were self sustaining, then you wouldn't have to rely on others. However you are not self sustaining. Please either accept it, or change it.

**whatruckus** · December 15, 2015, 10:52 AM

All solid advice. Also, JaneEmily, can I steal what your therapist said and show it to my SO? He thinks my family doesn't want to know him and doesn't like him. But, that's because he never really made the effort either.

I agree that maybe his mom is pulling the whole "woe is me" crap and being nasty to everyone around her. I know plenty of people who have had cancer, gone through chemo and surgeries, and they still never played the pity "I hate everyone" card. But, you do need to make an effort to try and get along with her. And if you guys have no means of transportation, why can't one of you save up for a car or something? Even if it's an old Clunker, it's still something.

**JaneEmily** · December 15, 2015, 12:28 PM

Originally posted by whatruckus View Post

All solid advice. Also, JaneEmily, can I steal what your therapist said and show it to my SO? He thinks my family doesn't want to know him and doesn't like him. But, that's because he never really made the effort either.

Of course you can! <3 I thought I'd share it because I know that there are others in LDRs who find it difficult to get their families and their SO to break the ice and thinking about it in the way my therapist said it, really helped make things clearer

**Unicorn26** · December 15, 2015, 03:28 PM

Originally posted by BryansGirl View Post

He has thought about just leaving and getting a bus anyway BUT, he lives so far out in the country no cabs go out there, and he is 20 MILES from the bus station He would need his stepdad to drive him to the bus station and if they refuse to he has no other option but not to go. He lives 15 minutes from the nearest town, but the bus station is 2 towns over which is 20 Miles away

Crikey, if it was only 20 miles keeping me and my SO apart I'd cycle to the bus station, or even walk!!!

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you really need to get a grip here. There are people on here who are thousands of miles away from each other and still manage to meet up. It's far from impossible, you are an adult, if you want this bad enough you will make it happen.

**BaconGirl05** · December 15, 2015, 10:38 PM

I don't mean to sound rude, but it seems like you're making excuses. I agree with everyone else, if you really want to meet up, you will find a way.

Don't have a car? Save up for one. Doesn't matter what kind, it can be cheap, as long as it gets you from point A to point B.
Don't have a license? Take a class and go get one.
Don't have money? Get a job.

It's really not as hard as you're making sound. At 17 when I wanted to meet my SO for the first time, I got myself a full time job, worked my butt off for months and months! I saved up every paycheck I got because I KNEW that I wanted to see him. I got my license and a car so I could have a way to get to work. I saved up for a passport, plane ticket, visa, and even some extra spending money for when I got there. Sorry, but you have got to stop making excuses for yourself. As previously said, if my SO was only 20 miles away from a bus station, I would be on my bike to go see him! I'm sorry, but this kind of upsets me. My SO is in another country. I am unable to go to the bus station and be on my way to see him. You guys live in the same state, there is definitely a way to see each other. You're adult and can't expect everyone to stop what they're doing and take you guys places. Take a taxi even!

As for his mum, you have to look at things in her point of view. She seems like she's going through a rough time, so of course she'll be on edge. It could also be that she doesn't really know you or understand the relationship. My SO's mum didn't seem to fond of me at first. But we met, got to know each other, and she's changed her attitude towards the relationship. Sure, she gets rude from time-to-time, but like everyone else, goes through hard times. If she decides not to like you, then that's her loss and she's missing out on meeting the girl her son loves. There's nothing you can do to change that. If his mum doesn't want you meeting up at their place, then find another place to meet. Go to a friend's house, a park, a hotel, movie theatre, etc. There are lots of places to meet up.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but please stop making excuses as to why it won't work out. Start finding ways to make it work.

**Honour** · December 16, 2015, 07:25 AM

I'd also like to add at this point, I think the OP is just looking for attention... because that's all her posts ring out to me as these days. Every single one has the same theme, the same blame games being played, etc.

You want something in life? Go get it. Get up off your arse, and FIGHT for it.

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I feel like Bryans mom hates me.

I feel like Bryans mom hates me.

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