Think is going down hill fast.

[Ripstar]

I'm in a LDR of about 2 years, we have had about 6 real life visits spending time together. When we are together is great and no problems at all. But when we have to part for a few months it gets bad. We both have problems from what are exs did to us in the past and how those relationships ended.

Things are not going good right now. When we first got together he was a introvert, and so am i. I also have some anxiety problems I'm working on that. About 4 months ago he started doing a lot with his new friends, when before he would just stay home play video games and Skype with me when he was not working now that is something we don't do much anymore.

We have talked and he tells me he is changing, i try to understand and give him his room and space, but i seems like he has gone from one extreme to the other, From being a Introvert to max Extrovert. also their is a age difference and i do understand he is still figuring out who he is in life.

His texts and us time has gone way way down. I feel alone a lot and just try to do things like work or study to keep me not thinking about it, but that's really hard with my anxiety problems.

We had a talk last Sunday and he got really mad at me. I told him i felt like he is even trying to find things to do just so he dos not have to be around. I said that because when he dos have some free time he will chose to spend it doing other things, when we are lacking in us time.

He said that's not true and told me to relax and grow up. But he is saying one thing and doing another.
Now after that talk he is even pulled farther away from me. We are post to spend Christmas together but now I'm feeling like if he has doubts and just wants to be away from me, why should i even come see him.
I think to my self if he don't love me any more why don't he just end it? So only 9 more day till i see him and i feel like i need to just let him be so he can do what ever. I stooped texting him and am just texting him when he text me. I don't know what to think or do now, just needed to vent and get it out.

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD and the forums.

Before I really want to throw anything out there, how big is the age difference? My response will probably be completely different if he’s say 23 or 33.

[Ripstar]

I am 40 and he is 24. He found me and asked me out. I was not looking for a younger guy at the time. He said he likes older men when i asked him about it when we first started talking.

[R&R]

Differences in ages can work sometimes. A lot of times, that ends up being too much. You are in such different stages in life. At 40, you're probably pretty settled, have your goals in sight and really have much more of a sense of who you are.

At 24, he is in a much different stage. He's really out on his own for probably the first time. He's meeting new people and trying new experiences. He's told you himself that he's changing. Think how much you probably changed from age 20 to 25 to 30 to now. When you're closer in age, you tend to go through these experiences and growth together. When there is an age gap, you've already experienced those things and have moved forward while now they are just learning and experiencing it.

Maybe taking a step away is the right thing. Focus on yourself just like he's focusing on his life. There is nothing wrong with saying that a relationship isn't right for you or that things aren't working and it's time to step away. However, staying in a relationship for too long is definitely something you look back at later and wonder why you did.

[Ripstar]

Thank you for your post, I think your right. I'm just going to focus on me and give him a lot of space and see what happens. by the way i don't look 40 most people think i'm 27 or 30. I'm starting to think it might be a curse lol.

[R&R]

Thank you for your post, I think your right. I'm just going to focus on me and give him a lot of space and see what happens. by the way i don't look 40 most people think i'm 27 or 30. I'm starting to think it might be a curse lol.

I get mistaken for my early 30's which I really appreciate at 45. My daughters don't appreciate it when their friends who meet me for the first time ask if I'm their older sister. I enjoy it LOL

[TaraMarie]

Let me speak from experience. My ex husband was 21 years older than me. When I was 19, 20, 21.... That was exciting. Then from 26-40 we had out children on common., and nothing else. I always told everyone I don't condone a 21yr age difference, but my success story was the exception, not the rule. I am now divorced after a 30 year relationship (my choice). I realized we have NOTHING in common besides children. My fiancé is 8 1/2 years younger than me and it's a blessing. We are of the same generation. We have the same interests, the same connections to our past. I understand where he is coming from. He's a child. You are an adult. If he needs space he's telling you it won't work. Trust him. Find someone closer to your age. I speak from experience.

[Ripstar]

You might be right Tara. I'm just hoping for a miracle, it is almost Christmas.. We had a ok night, nothing like it use to be. In the past it would of Ben a movie and then talking and maybe some games together till late into the night. We watched a movie on Skype together and then he went to bed. I could still feel the tension in the air but he did say "I love you" without me saying it first. I guess I'm hoping it works out. I don't want to just throw away 2 years and I would miss his family. They are now like my own in a way. Just giving it time and him space.

[differentcountries]

It seems like he prioritized the relationship a lot on the beginning, now he goes out with friends more. I don't see what is wrong with that, as long as you are still in touch. If you lived together, I assume you would spend time with friends as well and some days spend time apart.

[whatruckus]

As someone who's close to his age, I don't doubt he's probably going this his "quarter life crisis" trying to figure out what he wants to do with himself. I'm going through mine. *sigh* A little late to the game for me. Also, maybe he's trying to put himself out there more to make friends.

I don't mind other people in relationships with big age differences, but I can see where the different generations may not have so much in common and things start to fizzle out. I have a friend who's actually dating someone who's...45? I think? And we're the same age. They haven't been dating long, but I do wonder sometimes what they talk about. She goes out a lot with friends, and likes to party, and I doubt he does that because he's a businessman.

But, I do have a brother who's going to be 40 next year and we're extremely close and share everything in common (not the same, but I'm giving an example where it is possible to share common interests with someone who is much older). I know other people who have differences in age like that in their family, and it's like their strangers even though they're siblings.

I think it really depends on the person.

[Ejoriah]

I am 24 and usually a complete introvert. For me personally, when I finally found a group of friends who wanted to hang out with me/go out regularly, it was a breath of fresh air because I've always been bad at making friends. I will admit that, when in an LDR, I have used going out and keeping busy socially in order to distract myself from missing my partner. If my partner expressed wanting me to stay home, I then grew resentful that there were all these people who thought I was cool enough to want to hang out with, but my partner just wanted me to stay home. Maybe that is where your partner is coming from. In that case trying to express that you don't want him to stop being social, but that you'd appreciate more of a balance, might work better.

Best of luck to you!

[Ripstar]

Ejoriah, Thank you for the post. About the social thing. I told him that a few times, even the last time we had a talk, I said to him "I don't want you to stop going out and having fun and being with your friends. I know you need to give out your time to every one, but i seem to be getting the short end of the stick" I said, "Don't think i want to be with you 24/7 because i don't but i do need some time so we can grow as a couple" "Make a little room for me and keep having fun with them. That's all i ask. And maybe a text once and a while to know your ok and not dead"
He even asked if one of his friends could hang out with us on Christmas with his family and me. I told him that he gets to see his friend and this particular friend every day at college, and other stuff they do. I said i get to see you once every few months for a few days, i would like to have this be some us time. He said "ok" but i had the feeling he was disappointed about me saying no.

Another thing i noticed is when ever i talk to him about us, to try and fixing some little problems WE have, he punishes me by removing something i love that he do's. As a example on his days off when he had free time and no plans i would text him "good morning i love you" and he would call me a few mins after that. Now after are last talk he has stopped that. That's just one example of a lot of thing he use to do, something he started not me. I don't know if he is doing it on purposely because he knows how much the little things like that mean to me, or if its just him doing it subconsciously because hes mad.

[differentcountries]

Just because he no longer does something, it does not mean he is punishing you. That's pretty paranoid.

[sasad]

Another thing i noticed is when ever i talk to him about us, to try and fixing some little problems WE have, he punishes me by removing something i love that he do's. As a example on his days off when he had free time and no plans i would text him "good morning i love you" and he would call me a few mins after that. Now after are last talk he has stopped that. That's just one example of a lot of thing he use to do, something he started not me. I don't know if he is doing it on purposely because he knows how much the little things like that mean to me, or if its just him doing it subconsciously because hes mad.

I know what you are talking about exactly.... I had a bf that pulled that crap on me. When I finally confronted him, he said he didn't realize he was doing it, but I was correct that he was doing it after I "misbehaved"

[whatruckus]

He could be doing it because he's mad, or he could be doing it because he's starting to forget and be distant, like you mentioned. I wouldn't necessarily say he's doing it to punish you, because you really don't know. I think maybe you could be over-analyzing it and more aware of it because of the things that are going on. I tend to be like that too, but most of the time, it turns out my SO just flat out doesn't remember.

I understand how you feel though. My SO gets like yours with the whole friends thing and always wanting to hang out with his friends, when I barely see him.