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    #1

    Surviving not thriving

    Hey everybody,

    I'm struggling I'm our relationship right now because I feel like this long distance is leading to a relationship that it's surviving, but not thriving. He's military and is really burnt out by work, so he doesn't have extra time or energy to put into our relationship. I'm trying very hard to be understanding about his duty as a military officer but I'm struggling and worried. Have you had this experience of surviving instead of thriving? How do you deal with that? What suggestions do you have? (No sarcastic comments please)

    Thanks everyone ☺
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    #2
    Yes, I have. In both relationships at about the same time, actually. I started to see it as coming from them not being happy with their jobs. It started first with SO and his weird moods. I tried to be patient about it over the summer, but his moods put a strain on our relationship and made me scared for his health. Husband was tired and had a short fuse. I felt I was surviving with both of them. So I told both of them, quit your jobs!

    Husband still works in the same job and still tired, but happy as well because he is starting his new job in February. SO got a new job too, and is thriving socially, but the job doesn't pay very well, so he is going to quit it to look for another job in the bigger city. I think our relationship is going to get better once he finds that other job.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      I hate to say it but this is part of being a military SO. I did it for 3 years and my daughter did it for 2. The military and their job are going to come first. You, well you get what's left. It won't always be this way. A lot can depend on where he's stationed. Being a military SO isn't for everyone. Trust me, I can tell you stories. Only you can decide if you can handle this.
      To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

      ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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        #4
        Honestly, I feel like that's what LD is. Maybe it's just my relationship, but we certainly don't grow as a couple while being LD. I feel like we are able to maintain or "survive" as you call it but the only times that we really build or thrive are when we are together. I've kind of made the whole thing into: that's the way LD is. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but it is very very hard to thrive LD even if your SO has all the time in the world to put into your relationship.

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          #5
          I read the title to your thread and thought, "I couldn't have said it better myself".
          I have felt like that a lot lately the past couple of months. I barely get by day by day without having an emotional break down about my relationship. I try really hard to keep it together, but most of the time it feels like I'm on a constant defense. I have stopped expecting things out of my relationship, things that I have wanted. Now I try to just accept that I'm alone and this is just how it is going to be.
          All that to say... You are not alone in how you're feeling. I understand.

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            #6
            Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove View Post
            Honestly, I feel like that's what LD is. Maybe it's just my relationship, but we certainly don't grow as a couple while being LD. I feel like we are able to maintain or "survive" as you call it but the only times that we really build or thrive are when we are together. I've kind of made the whole thing into: that's the way LD is. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but it is very very hard to thrive LD even if your SO has all the time in the world to put into your relationship.
            YES!!!!

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove View Post
              Honestly, I feel like that's what LD is. Maybe it's just my relationship, but we certainly don't grow as a couple while being LD. I feel like we are able to maintain or "survive" as you call it but the only times that we really build or thrive are when we are together. I've kind of made the whole thing into: that's the way LD is. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but it is very very hard to thrive LD even if your SO has all the time in the world to put into your relationship.
              Yes! You can grow, but it's pretty limited as to how much you can grow and it kind of just sort of Plateaus. My SO and I are at the plateau and we don't know what else to do (been this way for the past year). The only way we could really continue our relationship is if we found a way to close the distance, but neither of us have the money. Hence...part of the reason (among others) we're on a "break". We were pretty much just sustaining our relationship because we didn't know what else we could do.

              And, I've also been feeling the same way twentynine11 has. It sucks, but this is how LDR's can be. I'm not saying it's hopeless, but it definitely sucks during the time when you're trying to figure out how to close the distance, or where to go from here.

              Also, my SO is a Combat Veteran, so I completely know how you feel. He's a civilian now, but his job is still just as stressful. It's hard getting through to someone like that who's constantly stressed out and it makes it worse, to be honest.

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                #8
                I actually disagree with the posters above, I think it is possible for a LDR to thrive not just survive. I also think many close distance relationships just fall into the survive not thrive category. Maybe I have a different perspective as we spend a higher proportion of the time LD compared to most on here. We only see each other once or twice a year so the vast majority of time is long distance, our relationship has definitely grown on so many levels, to be honest I don't think either of us would have coped so well if it only grew the few weeks we were together and plateaued the rest of the time.

                For us the key has been to be completely honest with each other the whole time, we communicate every day and every day I do feel a little closer to him as every day I learn something from him. We've definitely grown together emotionally over the years and even physically with the things we've shared and done together (mentally if not in the same room).

                Contrast that to my marriage which was close distance the whole time, we definitely didn't grow together.

                There are ways to beat the distance but it sounds like the distance isn't the main barrier here, it's his stress levels and how you deal with that as a couple.

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by 80anthea View Post
                  I actually disagree with the posters above, I think it is possible for a LDR to thrive not just survive. I also think many close distance relationships just fall into the survive not thrive category. Maybe I have a different perspective as we spend a higher proportion of the time LD compared to most on here. We only see each other once or twice a year so the vast majority of time is long distance, our relationship has definitely grown on so many levels, to be honest I don't think either of us would have coped so well if it only grew the few weeks we were together and plateaued the rest of the time.


                  For us the key has been to be completely honest with each other the whole time, we communicate every day and every day I do feel a little closer to him as every day I learn something from him. We've definitely grown together emotionally over the years and even physically with the things we've shared and done together (mentally if not in the same room).

                  Contrast that to my marriage which was close distance the whole time, we definitely didn't grow together.

                  There are ways to beat the distance but it sounds like the distance isn't the main barrier here, it's his stress levels and how you deal with that as a couple.
                  I just love this. Rereading older stuff and this is so true in so many ways. Been there, done that and totally agree as my marriage before was the same. Closer and deeper since we have been apart.

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                    #10
                    You said it yourself... he is burnt out by work, being in the military i'd assume isn't a low stress level job. That he doesn't have the time or energy to put into the relationship doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Many times, those LDR relationships give military men and women something to look forward to...or that's how i perceive. I doubt he wouldn't want to keep going. I guess you'll have to talk it out.

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