Feeling like I can't help him.

[Secrecy]

Anyone ever have those days where your SO is having a really rough time, and you feel like you can't really properly help because of the distance? I'm having that feeling right now. My boyfriend works at a job where he works almost 60 hours a week, six days a week, with odd hours that don't allow him to have much of a life outside of work. It's not a job that suits his personality, and it's began to really rub him raw. Whenever I talk to him, he's often grumpy, angry, a bit bitter, and gets irritable easier than normal. It's rarely ever at ME personally, but just in general. My boyfriend is normally a very very laid back guy, and him being this stressed out is out of the ordinary for him. It's difficult because I feel like I'm not able to help him much because of the distance - I can't take him out anywhere to get his mind off it, give him a hug, a kiss, nothing. My boyfriend responds more to actions, less to words. He does frequently take to irritably venting to me about his job, which is at least something, but I'm so sad because it just doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel like I'm not doing enough listening and offering a comforting and reassuring ear, or advice, even though he's never once said that to me... It just feels like since he seems perpetually irritable, that me just listening isn't helping (I'm sure it probably is). He plans to quit after the holidays are done and over with because he says it's too much for him to take and he doesn't like what the stress is doing to him. But until then, I have to deal with feeling like I can't do much to help, though I'm doing all I can.

I'm just feeling kinda low because I care a lot about him and his wellbeing, guys. Anyone ever have those times when it just feels like the distance inhibits your full potential to comfort your SO?

[differentcountries]

Yea, just be sure that it is not neccesarily going to go away after the holidays. SO worked ten hours a day every day from April to November and it broke him and he is still not all himself yet. I kind of regret I didn't ask him to quit his job sooner (mid season) as it took a big toll on his mental health. And it is hard to find a decent, ok-paying job in the low season.

I have been there both ld and cd in this situation, and in a way your are not that big of a help close distance either, and close distance you are much more a personal target for the built up anger.

It's not your job to fix his moods, or his job. You're there for him, and that's what anyone can do.

[farandaway]

Absolutely it's been like that for a year soon. My SO being a carer for his passed dad and now his mom and loads of other responsibilities. The change from a caring and sweet man to an irritable and grumpy person who takes it out on me is so hard. I've learned to not take so personally but it still feels bad. He wants to deal with it in his own way. I miss the person I know he is deep down but I'm learning a lot about him.

I guess what we can do is try to understand where it's coming from and offer our support and help if it is needed and accepted. I think I've gone out of my way several times to do what is good for him. I hope he can notice that also. I admire SOs strength and in some ways I'm happy that I can be here at the end of skype or text to receive his anger if he's had a bad day. He is very private and does not talk to anyone else. Everybody should have a person to rely on during hard times.

[honeybunny]

My boyfriend is having a rubbish Christmas. He doesn't get along with his sister and today seems really bad. He wouldn't video chat with me, and was really drunk by 4pm. I finally saw him for 5 minutes but he said he just wanted to sit and listen to music. I've respected that but it's so hard not seeing him. I just want him to talk to me, but I understand he doesn't want to.

[BFG]

I probably spend the lions share of time on the other side - i've had a really terrible week. I am working all through the Christmas break, 12 hour days and half of it spent a mile deep underground.

I had a terrible day at work on Christmas Day and finished work so angry and frustrated. It really ruined my day. When i got home i spoke to my SO who's day was just getting started. She kept asking about my day and i was brushing it off - i didn't want to get started because i didn't want to be wild on the phone on such a day. She kept pressing me about it, knowing i was in a bad mood. I just unloaded all of this crap from the whole day - my shitty bosses, things not going right, people at work letting me down and all sorts of miniscule bullshit that kept piling up. It was such a release to have her just listen and care and take it all in....just to let me vent. I live by myself in a very isolated part of the world, there are a lot of nights where i don't have anyone but my girl on the other side of the world.

The way she makes me feel after a day like that just by hearing about my day and why i'm upset or cranky and then saying "Yeah, y'know what, fuck that guy! What a dick!" is incredibly comforting. Your SO probably feels the same, he just might not be able to say so. Knowing you are loved and that someone cares about you is the cure of most ills.

[Honour]

The way she makes me feel after a day like that just by hearing about my day and why i'm upset or cranky and then saying "Yeah, y'know what, fuck that guy! What a dick!" is incredibly comforting. Your SO probably feels the same, he just might not be able to say so. Knowing you are loved and that someone cares about you is the cure of most ills.

My SO responds in much the same way to me. He works 8-12 hour shifts overnight in a detention center, and told me once that before I came along, his appreciation of everything and his robotic mannerisms/mentality from work was affecting him outside work too. Because my own days can be really stressful and challenging as well as his, we find solace and comfort in one another that we don't find anywhere else.

[kittyxuchiha11]

My SO has had a really hard time at work recently due to some things that have happened and I definitely feel like the distance has cone between us and stopped me from helping her as much as i could off. she told me she just needed someone to be there and hug her when she cried and luckily her she has a friend who could do just that and i'm forever grateful that she has such great friends she can rely on when the distance gets between for things like this. there was a bit of tension between us about this all since i am all the way over here and can't really comfort her that well when we all we can really do is message on Facebook for about 2 hours per day. everything is fine and good with us now, her work schedule changed so we missed out sykping and although we didn't realise that put a whole lot of stress on both of us and so just hearing my voice made everything completely fine between us again which was nice.

[Secrecy]

I probably spend the lions share of time on the other side - i've had a really terrible week. I am working all through the Christmas break, 12 hour days and half of it spent a mile deep underground.

I had a terrible day at work on Christmas Day and finished work so angry and frustrated. It really ruined my day. When i got home i spoke to my SO who's day was just getting started. She kept asking about my day and i was brushing it off - i didn't want to get started because i didn't want to be wild on the phone on such a day. She kept pressing me about it, knowing i was in a bad mood. I just unloaded all of this crap from the whole day - my shitty bosses, things not going right, people at work letting me down and all sorts of miniscule bullshit that kept piling up. It was such a release to have her just listen and care and take it all in....just to let me vent. I live by myself in a very isolated part of the world, there are a lot of nights where i don't have anyone but my girl on the other side of the world.

The way she makes me feel after a day like that just by hearing about my day and why i'm upset or cranky and then saying "Yeah, y'know what, fuck that guy! What a dick!" is incredibly comforting. Your SO probably feels the same, he just might not be able to say so. Knowing you are loved and that someone cares about you is the cure of most ills.

You sound almost exactly like him, at least in that respect - he usually won't tell me right off that he feels angry or irritated or frustrated or everything, even when it's plain as day, but when he finally does he pretty much launches in a full blown assault against everything that is making him upset. Just the other day he started with, "everything is s**t." He's usually not very good about voicing "touchy feely emotional" thoughts, so he doesn't really say that me listening helps... But he usually does seem a bit calmer after a vent. So I do hope you're right.

[differentcountries]

SO recently told me me plans to stay where he is although he doesn't earn very much. In a way, I think it is wise of him to stay there because his other plan (moving to the other city to find a job) is not very specific and he doesn't have any money to get him started. He enjoys staying with his friend and the cats, and that also helps out his friend financially. He likes the work, his colleagues and his boss, and hopes he will start to earn more. I don't have any connections we can use short term, so all I can do is be there mentally. And plan the next visit.

[Monalisa]

Yes I have been there before. Many times I felt that I could not help him. My ex SO has a terrible untreated depression and that used to make him very negative and irritable.
The thing is that I was not careful and I let him treat me poorly during his lows. Later on I learned that it's not his fault to suffer depression, but that does not give him the right to treat other people badly.

And on the other hand he has been rejecting professional help more than half of his life. I got tired of suggesting him to get medical advice, because he never got employed and never had a normal life mainly because of his depression. He always said that he needed someone to make a sacrifice for him, living with him for a bunch of years in order to encourage him to go to the doctor.

That idea never settled in for me, it sounds manipulative and selfish. I just couldn´t imagine leaving my life (family, job, and so on) for a new life with a person that was going to rely on me so much. It was to much pressure and this made me feel that the effort in the relation was coming only from my side.

As women we usually like to care and to fix people, but that just can't be done. Help in the things you can, listen to him and give him advice if he asks for it, AND take lots of care of yourself too.