Trusting

[pizza_heart]

???? Nope not checking for verification or receipts. You can tell if someone is spending based on growth of the acct. I don't get where your hostility is coming from. By all means attack me and tell me I'm the screw up here because I'd rather believe that than end our relationship

hostility? look, you came here looking for advice and words from people with similar situations and i'm not one to sugar coat things for anyone to keep living a fantasy. You take it with a grain of salt, we're all random people from the internet. but if you tell me you're tracking any proof to know he's not lying... then honestly, to me it sounds like something is not right and that relationship won't last very long, simply because of the lack of trust. And how is changing someone's lockscreen picture a lie?

as for how he spends his money I couldn't care less except it was the lie that he told me he wasn't because he was saving for the trip.

You can tell if someone is spending based on growth of the acct.

am i missing something here? To each their own, if he wants to spend all his money on himself and save pennies to visit you ~some day~, then he is not as invested in it as you are. You clearly care on what he spends and why isn't he saving and keep checking if the money bag grows or not.

i will quote Unicorn26 because she said something that seems pretty legit and wise.

Plus, having someone's log in info for online stuff is stalker type behaviour.

You're in an online relationship for 7 months, never met in person yet already you're stalking what he's doing online? I was married for over 10 years and didn't have my husbands log in details for anything and vice versa. I wouldn't dream of giving my SO shit for what he spends his money on, it's quite frankly none of my business. We are not married or living together so until that day, it's his business. And my finances are my business.

[Unicorn26]

As someone who lives in Scotland. Is it true that Internet connection there is really bad? He never seems to be able to calol at nights because he has to create some sort of aerial to get Internet. Says he lives in old buildings made of sandstone that blocks WiFi signals

I don't live in Scotland but I can assure you that he's telling the truth here.

I live in south west England, it's really hilly here (like Scotland) and a lot of building in the UK are really old compared to USA where homes tend to be made of wood. My house is 150 years old and has really thick brick walls. I cannot get wifi upstairs despite having a brand new router. Internet connection in remoter places (like Scotland) can be intermittent, some parts of where I live there isn't even a phone signal. Hell, some parts of Devon don't even have gas or electricity, they reply on generators for power.

[Unicorn26]

No one is being hostile. We are giving you feedback which is what you asked for.

You are contradicting yourself here, you clearly have trust issues with this guy. I think you need to have a long talk with him about all that's bothering you but please, listen to the people on here. A lot of us have been doing this for years. You simply cannot sweat about the small stuff in a LDR and you must keep yourself busy. Focus on something else otherwise you will drive yourself insane.

[sasad]

... you posted this on another thread.....
I'm understanding how you are feeling. My love was supposed to come see me in September than it was November for sure than December for sure now maybe February. I haven't met any of his family or friends either and we been in LDR 7 months. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm being catfished or if maybe he has a wife hidden away. Feels like I'm losing my mind.

So, again, where is the trust? How can you be so in love with someone you don't really know????? And have not yet met in person. Again, some people have had beautiful LDR's yet there was no spark after they met up in RL.

I don't understand how you can be so in love with him with all these other issues. You think he may have a wife?

[Unicorn26]

7 months is no time at all for an international LDR. You've been in it for 7 months yet you wanted him to fine and see you back in September? So you'd been in online LDR for 12 weeks then?

You are expecting to much too soon, it's a long long trip and very expensive. Maybe he needs more time to make sure you are worth spending the best part of £1000.00 just to see of its for real??? I realise some people like to move faster than others but it took me years to get to know my SO properly before we met in person. It was a huge risk me leaving my kids and dogs and flying across the planet to see someone I'd met online, there was no way I was going to do that before knowing 100% what I was getting myself into. Thankfully my situation worked out to be completely fantastic, but I seriously doubt it would have been as good as it was if I had gone to visit within the first few weeks or even months of us meeting, we just needed more time. Maybe he does too.

Cut him some slack. He's in college, probably short of funds and trying to study. he needs your support, not you acting like some kind of PI to see if he's telling the truth about every minuscule aspect of his life...

[Enamorado610]

Due to his internet connection issues I can only talk to him during certain hours of the day when he's able to set up his aerial which he can only do during daylight cuz he claims he has to climb out on the window ledge to connect the wires. He works all weekend long. On his birthday he was busy with his essay on Christmas and Christmas Eve he was working.

But he does text me during his nights and for hours. When I did try to break it off once he cried and told me he is serious. How could we be in love? Idk we are though I know that much. We wouldn't waste so much time or energy otherwise.

I have a lot of reasons to not trust but am forcing myself to trust because I want this to work. I'm not stalking him I don't care about how he spends nor if he has my photo on his phone. It was more the principal of the lie. And even after all that I was/am willing to forgive all cause like some of u said those are petty issues. However if he's able to lie about petty issues who's to say he won't lie about big ones

[Enamorado610]

Reason he hasn't been able to come out is because he was relying on his student loans to help with expenses but it has yet to arrive

[sasad]

So do you think he is married?

[Enamorado610]

I know he was married and is separated in process of divorce. He has given me his address so I could send him mail. And he comes outside 3 times a night and spends 15 mins on the phone with me each time. Don't get me wrong. Your probably right. Maybe I am expecting too much and 7 months is not long for LDR. Never had this before and I'm here for your knowledge and support. I'm really trying to make it work

[Honour]

I'm really trying to make it work

Doesn't matter if LD or CD, you only making it work won't work at all. It's a two sided thing... And honestly, I think you both need to understand the meaning of "trust," not just your SO.

I agree with what the others have said, too.

[Unicorn26]

Reason he hasn't been able to come out is because he was relying on his student loans to help with expenses but it has yet to arrive

Most student finances in the UK will have been sorted, finalised and at the first instalment paid by September when the term begins. Student loans really aren't that much and barely cover living expenses. Does he have any other income? His student loan isn't going to cover a trip to USA. when is thinking of coming? I'm not sure what type of course he's doing but with a lot of them here, if you miss a certain amount of classes you get kicked off the course. I can't work out where he's going to fit the time in to be honest.

If you want to make this work there are three major things that are needed for a successful LDR.

1. PATIENCE.

2. TRUST.

3. COMMUNICATION.

You both need to have these in bucketloads. Plans can and will go wrong, you have to learn to take that on the chin and not let it bog you down. You have to trust your partner implicitly. My SO is a bartender and gets hit on all the time. I have to trust that he's not going to act on these advances, no matter how lonely or sexually frustrated he is. I know he would never do that to me. He's way too committed. Regular, open and honest communication is so important. You need to be able to discuss anything, no matter how difficult or awkward. It's horrible having disagreements or fights long distance, you can't hug at the end of it and make up. You have to try and avoid these if you can although sometimes they are inevitable.

Let go of these small petty things, and if you can't, then LDR really isn't for you. Concentrate on the bigger picture and start saving up yourself for a visit over here.

[kittyxuchiha11]

The way student loans get paid in Scotland is month by month meaning if he's getting the highest amount you can get he could be possibly be getting about £400 a month, which isn't a lot when you substitute rent and living expenses out of it.
Asides from the loan, i completely agree with what unicorn is saying there. ldr's are hard and you need to have so much patience and i know it's hard believe me i was in a ldr for 2 years before i entered the one i'm in just now so believe me i know how frustrating it is when things don't go as planned. I had it in my head that I was going to get to see my SO in April next year and was so excited with just the thought of it but that isn't going to happen and accepting that and moving on is hard but it's something you need to do. Honestly If you want things to go the way you want and for visits to happen you need to really just have a long discussion with your SO about how you guys are goign to work through that and come to a decision on how you're goign to plan how to afford a visit. if you can't travel to him and he doesn't have enough to pay all of the flight on his own perhaps pay for half his ticket or come to some other compromise. But until you guys can realistically have a visit keep the communication as strong as you can and keep positive :3

[CarolGuerra]

I dont think I would ever trust such king of people...

[Loveyoumore]

Honestly if he has only told you the truth once with in the 3 lies, I would'nt trust him. The fact that he keeps postponing y'alls final meeting would definitely raise some red flags. I would really not be able to depend on him following through with what he says if he can't even be honest as to why he has'nt met you IRL. I understand you love him & all, but his actions are real supicious. There's a old saying that goes like this- if someone shows you who they are, believe them...the first time. The thing about love is sometimes it forces you to see the truth, without the rose colored glasses obscuring your view.
I wish you the best in your descision going forward. LDR's are hard enough as it, no matter if you are hundreds or thousands miles apart, not having 100% trust at this point along with the other person being able to be honesty ( reguardless to the truth hurting- YOU DESERVE THE TRUTH) makes an LDR almost impossible in the grand scheme.
Feel free to message me, hopefully my advice helps you out.

[Loveyoumore]

Also sad but true......how can you even be sure what love is with him if you have never even met in real life? Hate to say this, but sometimes you just don't click when you get together.
And who exactly are you in love with? A man that lies to you? How do you know who he really is? What is likes and dislikes really are? This person lies. Are you in love with a fantasy person?

This last part is so right on, most habitual lairs will have you believing every sweet nothing they say even though its as far from the truth as the east is from the west. If he can't be honest with you now just imagine years down the line of your invested time & emotion.! To OP, People you have never met IRL can be whomever they wish to appear on the phone, internet, etc but you can't hide who you are IRL Situations. Just imagine if he is lying & making up excuses now just imagine if you go out there, think all is going to be good? Think again he will just come up with some excuse not to see you then as well.. Then you will be out of money & heartbroken even more. DONT LIVE IN A FANTASY REALM JUST BECAUSE HE IS TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM PICTURE PERFECT.