He can't cope with distance

[Teacherfairy]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time on the site so I hope people don't mind me sharing my story. This year has been a bit of a rollercoaster.

Last Christmas I met a guy who I completely fell for. We met through mutual friends and went on what was supposed to be a casual date. We never really intended for it to go anywhere because we both knew that he's an expat living 7000 miles away. This date became a bit of a disaster and we ended up getting stuck together for hours. In this time we bonded much more than we were expecting to and decided to go on a second date before he flew back. We just clicked.

We decided to stay in touch and within a month he flew back to see me, and continued with reciprocal visits as often as we could. We spoke as often as we could using skype, facetime etc and built up what I felt was a really strong emotional connection. It wasn't easy, but talking to him and seeing him just made me so happy.

6 months into it however, the distance started to get too much for him. He felt he was missing that physical interaction and wanted to see me all the time, which just wasn't possible. We talked about one of us moving but, because we both have careers that are important to us, it was going to take time. We continued to try but it ended with him getting absolutely wasted one night and being unfaithful. He flew back home instantly to talk things through with me. Said how much he regretted it. That I was the one he wanted to be with. But ultimately, I knew that he was unhappy with the distance. Between us, we took the decision to end it.

I was devastated and we argued so much about it that we ended up having to cut each other out. For months we didn't speak and both tried to date other people. But he was always at the back of my mind and I haven't been able to move on.

Last month, he contacted me to see how I was. I took the decision to meet up with him whilst he was back in the country over Christmas. As soon as I saw him it hit me how much I've missed him. The day before he flew back, he turned up at my house and told me that he'd made a huge mistake and completely messed up with me. That he missed me and it was me that he wanted to be with. But - we can't go back to how we were because it's going to take a lot for me to trust him again and I know that he was unhappy. And it wouldn't be right now for me to uproot my life and move out there after everything that's happened.

He's got 2 more years out there before he comes back home for good. He says he wants me in his future - and I feel the same - but I also realise that it's such a huge risk to take for somebody when we have never lived in the same country. I feel the only way we will really know is if he comes home and really makes a go of it. But 2 years is such a long time away. What I really want is for him to come back sooner - but I can't ask him to do that.

So now I'm stuck in a place where I just can't stop thinking about him. Yet there is absolutely nothing I can do. I feel like I'm in a really rubbish place right now.

I'm not entirely sure what advice I'm looking for, but I really needed to share my story!

Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

[differentcountries]

2 years were nothing. The years flew by. We have however had visits often as well as several month long visits. But westill don't know when or how we can close the distance, since we will need visas to do that. It sounds that you are lucky in that sense, since you are from the same country and he will simply return home. How often can you see each other? How do you keep in touch?

[sasad]

I am confused... is he in the same country????

Two years can seem like a long time. Even with visits in between.
Follow your heart. Look inside and see what it is you really want...
Learn to communicate and let him earn your trust again. There are so many people that haven't even met up yet and others who are going on 5 years..
Can you go visit him? Can you learn how to "date" him again from a distance?

[Teacherfairy]

He lives in a different country as an expat, but is originally from my country (not only that - our parents live 15 minutes from each other!).

He seems very confused. It's like he wants the end result of being with me but he finds the distance so hard. I want him more than anything though, but at the same time I am scared of it not working and getting hurt again. I can't just walk away though.

It's like he's realised he wants me but the distance is still holding him back and making him cautious. I'm trying to give him space as I know we can't just go straight back to what we had before, but it's so hard!

[differentcountries]

He lives in a different country as an expat, but is originally from my country (not only that - our parents live 15 minutes from each other!).

He seems very confused. It's like he wants the end result of being with me but he finds the distance so hard. I want him more than anything though, but at the same time I am scared of it not working and getting hurt again. I can't just walk away though.

It's like he's realised he wants me but the distance is still holding him back and making him cautious. I'm trying to give him space as I know we can't just go straight back to what we had before, but it's so hard!

Yea well, everyone wants to eat the cake without having to bake it.

Unless he chooses to not do what he does for his career, the distance is there until it ends. It is what you do with it that matters. He has cheated. Now he has to make you secure that will not happen again. If the distance is something he find it impossible to live with, he is more Lucky than most in that he will actually have the option to move back again. Those are options most People in international relationships don't have, we simply have to play the cards we are being dealt.

I personally used to do a lot of DIY to help me cope with the distance. Work out also helps. There are different ways of connecting, some have skype dates, some connect a lot during the day. If you are looking for coping mecanisms, there are lots of them here on this site.

[Teacherfairy]

Yea well, everyone wants to eat the cake without having to bake it.

Unless he chooses to not do what he does for his career, the distance is there until it ends. It is what you do with it that matters. He has cheated. Now he has to make you secure that will not happen again. If the distance is something he find it impossible to live with, he is more Lucky than most in that he will actually have the option to move back again. Those are options most People in international relationships don't have, we simply have to play the cards we are being dealt.

I personally used to do a lot of DIY to help me cope with the distance. Work out also helps. There are different ways of connecting, some have skype dates, some connect a lot during the day. If you are looking for coping mecanisms, there are lots of them here on this site.

My thoughts exactly. All I can keep thinking is that if he really means it then he'll do something about it. Actions speak louder than words and I need to know if it's what he really wants.

At the same time I can understand that its a huge risk to give up your life for someone you've never lived near. There are so many questions. What if it didn't work? Would he resent me? I don't want that - which is why I'm backing off and giving him the space to figure out what he wants.

It's so hard though because all I want to do is talk to him and tell him how much I want to be with him. At the same time I'm scared of going back to what we had because I don't trust him yet.

It would be so much easier if I didn't feel anything for him!