She left me for the distance, but now she has a proposal..

[TheDistantDoomRaccoon7]

Hi all,

This is my first post on this forum. I'm am a 19-year-old Dutch guy and have been in a relationship with an Italian girl for 3 years. But things changed.

Long story short: We met on cruise, and fell in love by looking in each other's eyes. Never experienced something so gorgeous. Mutually we felt so much love, and she's convinced she wants to marry me. However, she didn't like me for the person I was on distance. That's because I couldn't give her too much time, especially as I was often quite busy with studying and working - and therewith stressed. One day, suddenly after 3 years of so much love and promises, she left me for another guy.

I have realised that my behaviour as a person on distance wasn't really the best, but betraying me like this I did not deserve. I don't want to depict myself as arrogant, but I am really a mild a sympathetic guy. Recently she admitted to be sorry for what she did, but now her proposal is as follows: she wants to come back to me after 2 years, when there is finally the possibility to live permanently with me, in person. But in the meantime, she will stay with this other guy (afterwards i.e. betraying him too).

I'm really stunned, don't know what to do. I have difficulty with expressing how much I love her, she means the world to me - I have gone through so much with her. And she keeps telling me that I am the one for her too. But I said to her, if she really means this, that she should give me a second chance right now - to better my behaviour on distance; she doesn't agree. What should I do? Stop with her forever and start a new part of my life (I'm planning to study in the UK) or agree with her (in my opinion nuts) proposal? I'd appreciate your thoughts on this,

Dutchman

[differentcountries]

This is just a teen version of cheating.

[Mims27]

Her request is unreasonable... Unless you're ok with cheating...
She wants to cheat on you until she is able to move there and you just have to sit around and wait? Come on. That's not love, my friend. LDR is not for everyone and that's ok but that proposal is complete crap, if you ask me.

[whatruckus]

This really makes no sense to me. Why would you want to "be" with someone who only wants to "be" with you if you can close the distance, but in the meantime they're going to stay in their current relationship?

There shouldn't even be a question. If you have respect for yourself, then you won't take her back, and you won't wait for her. You're 19 years old. Go out. Have fun. Meet other girls. Enjoy your life. She doesn't sound like a very nice person (sorry, but it's true), and like Mims said, that is not love at all. Sounds more like manipulation and a way for her to guarantee herself a relationship, or someone to leech off of, if she moves to you. That's what it really is. I don't doubt that if you did wait for her, and she moved to you, she'd only be with you until the next guy comes along and she has a place/life of her own there.

Would you really be okay with being the "other guy" and knowing that she's with some poor sap who has no idea of what her intentions are? Could you imagine what it would be like if you were him? How devastated you'd feel if, actually more like when, you found out that she was only with you just to be with you until she left to be with someone else? If she left you for this guy, and now she's willing to leave him for you (once she moves), imagine what else she'd be willing to do. I don't doubt, like I said above, that she'd leave for the next guy at the drop of a hat.

She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings but her own. She's selfish. She's narcissistic.

[WarwickGuy]

I have to agree she sounds quite selfish on this matter and if you can't both agree on this, then it may be best to cut her and continue the recovery process. She seems all too happy to leave this current guy and could do the same to you as she doesn't seem prepared to make any real compromise.

If you have an offer to study in the UK already, I'd go for that (not just because I'm British), because it will open so many opportunities for you (and your future partner/s) in the long term; studying abroad is always a great experience. Two of my best friends from uni were Italian and Trini and they had a great time and it has made it easier for them to get a job by showing they experience studying abroad, while my girlfreind came and studied and met the love of her life (me) haha.

[Mims27]

Also, what about this other guy? Is he ok with her cheating...? does he even know about you?
I wonder if she had that talk with him and was like ''So yeah, in 2 years I'm gonna leave you to be with my other boyfriend.'' So many things wrong with that proposal, I can barely wrap my head around it.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Completely agree with everyone who posted before me, her 'proposal' is beyond selfish and stupid. Honestly, I know you don't want to hear this but you need to forget about her and find someone who actually cares about you enough to give you the time of day. i know it's hard to let someone go when you love them but the fact she's saying you're her second choice until she can have you in person is more than enough proof to show she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her at all.

[whatruckus]

And, it's just proof that she doesn't care about anyone other than her own needs and wants to be honest. She wants you to hang around for her, and then she's going to ditch this other guy for you...who's actually the guy she ditched you for. It's so weird and makes absolutely no sense to me.

[Telephone]

She is being absolutely ridiculous, not to mention her behaviour is frankly disgusting. If I were you, I'd steer clear of that person; who knows when she'll find yet another "the one" and start the dumping game again? Do you really want to be in a relationship like this?

[Mims27]

I'm sorry that this girl is putting you through this. I can tell you really do love her. But you will just end up being hurt even more if you stay with her than if you walk away.

[abna1]

I have no clue what's going on in this girl's head, but I agree with the others. Pack up, go the UK for your studies and start a new phase of your life. Don't give up an amazing experience like that to be with a girl, who doesn't value anyone but herself.

[Unicorn26]

You deserve better than this. Don't take this behaviour, you are not a toy she can pick up and play with once she gets bored with the one she has.

Walk away, someone way better than this is out there for you. Someone who will cherish you, not treat you like a plaything.

[fltoaz]

I agree with everyone else that what she's asking is basically...is it ok to cheat? If you weren't able to close to distance she has a backup plan...the guy she's with now. She needs to make a choice on whether its him or you. Think about it...

[Elizabeth123]

I agree with the other posters....CD or LD you respect yourself and don't be her escape plan.
You might be in love with the fantasy she presented but harsh reality is she doesn't care for or respect you.
A true SO loves, respects and cares for their partner. They don't use them as a means to an end.

[emsimes]

This girl wants her cake and wants to eat it, too. She is playing you and this other guy, too. As hurt as you probably are right now, there are SO many other women out there who are better than her. Like the others said, go out to the UK and live your life! You're still young and will find someone who loves you and appreciates you.
Good luck