feeling lonely and sad

[blue29]

I'm new to this forum, hello everybody

I'm in an LDR - he lives in the US, I live in the UK. We've been together for just over five months which I know doesn't seem very long but it's been the best five months of my life. It's also been the worst in a way - I've never felt so lonely. The distance is hard. We've been fighting an awful lot lately. It hasn't been over anything of substance, more often than not it's mainly me being snappy. I know he is a wonderful man and I want to be with him. But right now I feel like he can't provide me with the emotional support I need to get through this loneliness. I feel low and I miss him and we have no idea when we'll see each other next so there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not someone who opens up easily. But I feel like when I do try to talk to him he's either busy at work or tired or with his son. He never says he's too busy to talk but I hate talking to a blank wall when I know he's running around and I feel guilty. When I do talk he wants to bring it to a close quickly which I sometimes understand, no one wants to talk for hours about how miserable they are. If I don't talk, I bottle it up and end up exploding and fighting with him. When I want to resolve it with him afterwards, he'll talk but beg for us to let it go and move on before I've said everything I want to say and then I feel like a nag. If I get upset and say I need a bit of time to myself, he'll reply with 'okay :-)' which feels like he's willing to just let me go and feel awful on my own but I hate asking him to stay with me when he's always busy and I'm a bit stubborn to ask. I know these are all little things but they build up. We had a big fight this weekend and I lost it because I felt like he was pushing my buttons and I said I hate him. I don't hate him at all, I hate the situation. I explained and apologised after and he understands. But I feel wracked with guilt. On top of that, I feel lonely and sad in general. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control, any little thing like accidentally spilling a bit of my coffee on the counter seems to set me off and I burst into tears. I'm a girl who doesn't cry but I can't seem to stop.

I'm sorry about the long post, I think I needed to talk. If anybody has any advice I would really appreciate it. Thank you

[KansasPrincess]

Hi Blue 29,

I understand what you are going through and with mostly the time difference and the two of you having your own lives outside the relationship (work, friends) it can be really hard to find time to talk. But I think it is important to find some time where you two just sit down and talk. Maybe you guys can do a video call, so you have a little more the feeling of talking face to face (I know it's not the same, but better than nothing).
Right now you seem emotionally really on the edge and even though those conversations are not always fun, it is important to have the conversation about the emotions. You should tell him that it is important to you and that you wish for more emotional support from him, which only can happen when he knows about your feelings. Or if you guys feel like "you are not good at it" (maybe because it's to hard to talk about it for you) you can write him an E-Mail or a letter. Sometimes it helps to get it all out and see it written down. And it can help him to understand and read it, and reread it without there being any "explosive girlfriend" (I say that with love )
What I learned from being apart for 7 month: it is important to set at least a specific time every week or something (but like really set it and mark it in your calender) where you have a "date-night". My SO and I watch the same movie or show together. I know even couples do it, who have a CDR but are really busy. Because it is so important to have time for each other.
Wow this got a little longer than I thought it would. I hope it helps you a little bit.
Most important thing I learned, especially when you are far apart is open communication.

[R&R]

Let's be honest, LDR's are pretty hard for most people. Not being able to see your SO every week or every few days isn't easy. Some people on here have gone well over a year before getting to see their SO again. LDR's aren't for everyone, and that's okay.

I think what is key is understanding we are each responsible for our own happiness and emotions. Yes, communication with your SO is important and they can be a source of emotional support. You need to have a full life outside of this relationship and friends and things that you do so that you aren't dwelling on the distance or that you can't talk to him at that moment. In the end, it comes down to you. You have to choose how you are going to handle the situation. You have to decide if being in an LDR is right for you. You have to decide if you can handle less communication than you feel you need if you stay in the relationship.

There is going to need to be compromise from both parties. He may have to step up his communication some and you may have to learn to accept less communication than you want. And remember, if your unhappiness is outweighing your happiness, maybe you need to reassess the relationship.

[Loveyoumore]

I understand what you mean about being snappy & getting in to petty arguements. It does get pretty lonely sometimes, especially when you have'nt communicated with your SO what needs to communicated. Alot of the times its the distance, with the lack of communication that causes alot of petty things to upset me it seems. Maybe it's the same way with you. Sometimes you just need to talk with your SO. I know what you mean trust me about the. Whole lonely and sad thing, you are lonely cause they are'nt there, yet sad cause you miss then and it's been another day, week or month without their touch etc. Your emotions go through a range of ups and down, which in the situation of being in ANY type of LDR would be considered normal. Just my opinion, hope it helps. I'm here & definately can relate.

[blue29]

Thanks so much for all your replies. You've all given great advice and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply

KansasPrincess - I never thought about having a date night that way, that's a great idea. We try video and phone calls via wifi but our connection always seems to be poor. You've made me realise that it doesn't matter though because hearing his voice or seeing his face even just for a minute is worth it and far better than not hearing or seeing him at all. I'm going to sit down tonight and write him an email. I think it will help me articulate my feelings a lot better when I know he's not waiting on an instant reply to a text message and I end up blurting anything out. And I think he'll respond a lot better to a thoughtful conversation than an angry one. Thank you

R&R - you're totally right about being responsible for our own feelings. I can't expect to put it all on him and wait for him to fix it. Our communication needs to be balanced. I think what makes it worse is that I'm not working right now so I have days where I'm not busy and I think I'm unknowingly putting a lot of pressure on him. I agree about the happy vs unhappy balance. I know I'm very happy with him. It's just that the unhappy times get so overwhelming. But I do need to put everything into perspective. Thank you

Loveyoumore - I'm sorry you feel the same things, although it is nice to know I'm not the only one going through it You've hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling - up and down, lonely sad and missing him. I think the lack of communication is having a huge impact on our relationship and I need to find a way of explaining that to him without getting over emotional and then snapping. It's that lack of communication that really gets to me too, I feel the same way. And because they're so far it's not just like you can pop around the corner to see them when you feel down. Sometimes all you need is a hug from them and everything is better. When you're apart, you only have words. Thank you, I'm here too

I'm really glad I found this forum. You're all so lovely and supportive with your messages. And you're all super strong for going through the pain of the distance and holding on to that moment when you'll finally be together. I hope I can repay the kind words to you sometime. I'm here any time to talk or listen

[Redheart14]

Let's be honest, LDR's are pretty hard for most people. Not being able to see your SO every week or every few days isn't easy. Some people on here have gone well over a year before getting to see their SO again. LDR's aren't for everyone, and that's okay.

I think what is key is understanding we are each responsible for our own happiness and emotions. Yes, communication with your SO is important and they can be a source of emotional support. You need to have a full life outside of this relationship and friends and things that you do so that you aren't dwelling on the distance or that you can't talk to him at that moment. In the end, it comes down to you. You have to choose how you are going to handle the situation. You have to decide if being in an LDR is right for you. You have to decide if you can handle less communication than you feel you need if you stay in the relationship.

There is going to need to be compromise from both parties. He may have to step up his communication some and you may have to learn to accept less communication than you want. And remember, if your unhappiness is outweighing your happiness, maybe you need to reassess the relationship.

This!!

[Unicorn26]

I think we can all relate to this!!!

I am also in UK with my boyfriend in USA. It's tough, we have a 6 hour time difference to deal with, we both work, I have 2 kids (and they ALWAYS come first) so sometimes we have days when we barely speak. It's really hard, especially at this time of year. We had our first FaceTime in 10 days the other evening and the wifi connection was terrible so I share your frustrations there! I am also having to deal with no fixed date for the next visit and it's such a hard thing to cope with. I know once that is sorted then my mood will lift completely.

You are not alone, we all know exactly how you feel and sometimes it does really get you down. I have just gone through a period of a few weeks when I was sooooooooo down, it was so bad it kicked off really quite severe anxiety. Then to top it all off my elderly cat passed away. Thankfully SO has been brilliant, he said to me "it's ok to be sad sometimes, let yourself be sad. It will pass, we have been through worse, it will be ok"

I'm currently taking a break from social media in order to concentrate on my children and me more. I feel so much better for that. I force myself to get outside, despite the appalling weather and it really helps. You have to keep busy, I know that's hard as you're not working at the moment but perhaps immerse yourself in some kind of project?

We are all here for support and encouragement. We know what you're going through!

[blue29]

Redheart14 - definitely helpful advice

[blue29]

Unicorn26 - I feel the same, as soon as I know when we'll see each other my mood will improve massively. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I've had five dogs and when they all passed it's truly awful. That's great advice about letting yourself be sad. I think we beat ourselves up sometimes for feeling sad when we need to take a minute to accept it and feel it before being able to move on. You're right about keeping busy - I was actually setting my computer up to do some freelance work when it got a virus and completely wiped off everything a few days ago - photos, videos (lots with SO), work etc. And I didn't have a back up. I think that pushed me over the edge too. But I guess I have a project in itself with setting my computer up as brand new again! Thanks so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it

[Honour]

UK/US LDR here too. My SO and I are 5000 miles apart. It doesn't matter what distance, or how many times you see your SO, LDRs suck no matter what. But I'd never have it any other way apart from being CD. I care too much, love him too much, to give it up. Had a few raised eyebrows when I've mentioned I'm in an LDR in the past, but that's perfectly ok. It's becoming more and more common nowadays and the ease of access with the internet has made it much, much easier for us to communicate. Which I'm more than grateful for.

[blue29]

Honour - sorry I haven't had a chance to log back in for a while. I agree, LDRs are difficult :-) I've also had a few raised eyebrows, and it especially annoys me when people make out like my SO is most likely a liar/fraud not on any basis other than he's far away so I can't know him very well or he's more able to hide something because I'm not there to see his every day life. It is frustrating! But I wouldn't have it any other way either except to be CD. I wish you the best of luck and happiness :-)

[Honour]

Honour - sorry I haven't had a chance to log back in for a while. I agree, LDRs are difficult :-) I've also had a few raised eyebrows, and it especially annoys me when people make out like my SO is most likely a liar/fraud not on any basis other than he's far away so I can't know him very well or he's more able to hide something because I'm not there to see his every day life. It is frustrating! But I wouldn't have it any other way either except to be CD. I wish you the best of luck and happiness :-)

I think one of the first things people think of when you say "LDR" is that you're getting catfished. I... had it happen to me when I was 19. It sucks, but there we go.