First Visit After Four Months Not What I Imagined

[Kadessa70]

Guys,

I feel all sorts of sad right now. Am I right to feel this way?

Here's the story: My boyfriend and I had been together for almost two years before he moved abroad for a temporary job assignment.

He moved four months ago, and we've been doing the distance thing quite well. I think we've been more in love than ever.

He was planning a visit here sometime this week. He has a hectic work schedule, so I understood he couldn't give concrete dates.

Well, I accidentally bumped into him today while he was running errands.

Apparently, he flew in last night and wanted to surprise me...

But I don't buy it.

Tonight he came to visit (for under an hour!!!), but then dropped the news that he was going to leave the next day for a family trip to Miami. He will be back on Tuesday to spend a week with me.

I feel he didn't want to be on my radar from when he arrived yesterday to Tuesday because he wanted to separate family time and us time.

I feel he only came by tonight because he felt he had to after accidentally seeing me.

BUT was he going to keep the whole Miami trip a secret had we not seen each other by accident? Was he just going to keep texting me over the ling weekend pretending he was back home instead of vacationing in Florida?

Don't get me wrong. I've always respected his family time. I've never ever been selfish in that regard, but I just feel he could've just been more honest and up front.

What's wrong with telling me that you're spending time with the family for a few days and then we'll have our time?!

He never kept anything like this from me before. He'd always been open.

I'm supposed to be happy and thrilled to see him and spend time with him, but I can't help but feel sad.

Why do I feel so badly?! How can I look at things from a better, less stressing perspective?

[TaraMarie]

I don't know what to say to that. I would be hurt and angry.

[Ejoriah]

After dating for two years I would expect him to keep you apprised of your plans. You are not wrong to be sad and maybe a bit frustrated that your boyfriend withheld important information like that from you.

However, to stop you from going crazy, think about this: you can't read his mind and figure out whether or not he would have told you about the Miami trip. That is a game of "what-if?" that will accomplish nothing except mine away at your emotional well-being. I know it's easier said than done, but make a conscious effort to keep yourself distracted from thinking about it. When he comes back on Tuesday, you can have a face to face conversation about how this whole thing made you feel. Hopefully he'll understand why it is hurtful and will provide a better explanation.

[Mims27]

It's a totally unecessary lie and that can be totally upsetting. I totally get it. I've had a similar thing happen with my SO not too long ago. It wasn't a huge thing but I was like ''Why did you feel like you had to lie?'' It was so unecessary. You feel like, ''do I make you feel like you have to lie?'' I hope you bring it up again and talk to him. Otherwise it will bug you.

[Kadessa70]

Thanks, guys. Unnecessary lie indeed. Unfortunately, this actually stems from a larger issue... over the duration of our time together, we've had issues of him opening up and letting me in... as he is a father (of teens), a survivor of a troubled divorce, and has issues in the past meshing his love life and family life. I tried to be patient, God knows I've tried.

Therein lies my frustration--I've explicitly expressed to him that he needs to open up and let me in.

P.S. I left out that just last week he invited me to move and live with him for a while because he wants us to go further with our relationship and experience living with each other. Huge step, I know, but it all seems like a joke now since even now he can't open up to me about his travel plans.

I'm still so mad; I can't calm down.

[Loveyoumore]

Seems like he did'nt want to reach out to you until the very last minute and was'nt going to inform you of the Florida trip period just act like he was back home like normal. I would be more then upset... Seems like he didnt want you knowing he was here period and then when y'all ran into eachother he came up with a excuse so you wouldnt think he just snuck in town & blew you off for other obligations. Seems like he made you his last priority before he went back to Florida. Honestly I would have a long heart to heart with him.

[Kadessa70]

I'm so angry. I can't focus. How do you forgive this?

[Honour]

I've read your past posts where you've expressed your discontent with this man. I'd be pissed as well. Only you can decide if you can forgive it. How much punishment can you take from someone? I've been constantly getting the impression you do more than he does in your relationship.

[Loveyoumore]

I'm so angry. I can't focus. How do you forgive this?

Only you can decide that. After 2 years it seems like a bit much for him to be dodging you like that- its odd that he would come in town & NOT contact you the monent he got here...then when you 'run into him' he plays it off as if he was making a surprise out of it for you. I'm not sure what your past history is with him, but this is a bit of a low blow that would make me reconsider somethings.

[Elizabeth123]

Respect, communication, friendship......I deserve these from my partner and I give him these as his partner.
If he can't give them to you find someone who can. You deserve far better.

[differentcountries]

He wants you to live with him, but he cant inform you about his plans or include you with his family life. It is highly possable that he wants to shelter his kids from a relationship he is not 100% sure of yet, but his way of going about things is still weird and offensive. After two years, I wouldn't want to take the relationship further at this point. If he wanted to come and live with you it wouldn't be so much to loose, but you can't take the responsablility to uproot your life and live with him on such shaky grounds.