Financial help from SO

[BaconGirl05]

So recently I have not been working due to some health issues. This kind of stresses me out because I am saving up to move in with my SO. Anyway, my SO has offered to help me out financially. He knows I have money saved up and that I'm making some good money. He also knows that I have student loans and has said he is willing to pitch in to help me pay it off as time goes by.

What are your thoughts on having your SO help you out financially? I told him that I don't really want to take his money because he earned it. Then he says "Well when we move in together, it will technically be OUR money. I just want to help out and feel like I'm doing something." I think he feels bad because when I was over there for such a long time, he wasn't making a lot of money, so I payed for almost everything. I am flattered that he wants to help me out. I just feel kind of bad about it even though he was the one who offered.

[Redheart14]

I do agree with what he says but I guess I'd be like you and not want to take it. I think it's a pride thing, we want to be able to provide and contribute. I'd decline but that's me. If it makes things easier on you both than maybe it's something you need to discuss with him. Maybe you could pay him back when you're able to, if that makes you feel better.

[differentcountries]

I have been half supporting SO for 1 1/2 years. I also payed for most expenses related to his visit last year. I usuallly did not give him any cash money, but I payed out biggest bills for 2 seasons, and bought food and personal stuff for us and him. It has worked out great because we were able to spend a lot of time together. It has worked out less great because he started to feel bad for being supported, like he was less of a man for it. And also I cannot afford it any more, I have other financial responsabilities as well. Anyway I can not see him as much because I am in the process of getting more work (I have been partly on sick leave) and I need to fix stuff in my flat. He also needs to change his jobs and make more money.

I feel married to him, so I don't mind helping him out. I know he has pride and wants to "feel like the man", he pays whenever he has money and he takes care of his own loans, he is also very good at stretching money, getting discounts and favours done etc. I am almost out of money anyway, so we have agreed to see each other less and also spend less money when we are together. Now is the time to start saving up for our future together.

What is important is that everyone do what they can, be it money, favours and other things. Also anyone helping out should be sure they can afford to do so.

[Honour]

I may need to support my SO in his visit over here, but he automatically rejected. I would have too. It really is a pride thing. But if it does help in the long run, then yes I would say go for it.

[R&R]

I've helped my SO out financially on and off. Running his own business can sometimes be a struggle. It took a lot for him to accept any help but at the time, I was in a better financial situation than he was.

[staruletto]

I'd have a very hard time accepting money. I have a hard enough time accepting gifts as it is. Idk, I end up feeling really guilty if he sends me gifts. But I send stuff occasionally!

[Ella85]

I helped out SO when he was having financial difficulties after he just moved in the summer. I paid for a lot over the summer. Most of the food, some of his gas etc. But he did it this time around. He paid more for Christmas presents for people than I could afford. Even after I'd paid the visa fee, he still paid out more than I did as I am on such a tight budget. I felt really bad but he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. I tried to pay my way with food as much as I could, even when I had trouble with my bank card in Kroger (which was embarrassing).
I think it's part of a new level of trust being able to help each other out. But it also did hurt his pride that he had to borrow money from me. I didn't mind helping him though.

[BaconGirl05]

I think it is a pride thing. I feel bad for taking his money. But if the roles were switched and he needed help, then yes, I would help him. Also, it's not just my student loans he has helped offered to pay. He keeps saying that he wants to buy me a ticket to get over there, or he wants to get me something I've been wanting for awhile. He's in a better financial situation than me because of how much he's working and how much he's paid. I keep telling him that he doesn't need to feel like he owes me money for me paying for things when I was with him. I was okay with that and I understood he wasn't in the best situation.

Also when I move over there, we're going to get a joint bank account eventually, so he's technically right when he says it will be our money when I'm there. I guess right now I deny him is because we're still apart and it just doesn't feel right to take his money.

[Ejoriah]

I have a hard time accepting money too, although there was a bit of time right after I graduated from college when I didn't have a job and he paid for most expenses. We didn't live together back then though.

Now that we do live together we have a joint account where we equally contribute money for rent and utilities (and the occasional date night). Otherwise we still have our separate accounts. I am not comfortable using my money to pay back his student loans, but as a trade off I pay for all the groceries and help with gas (he drives, I don't).

[lucybelle]

I think 19 is a little young to be mingling finances. If he wants to buy you a plane ticket then that's one thing, but paying off student loans is something I would never allow. Even the first year when my SO and I lived together we kept separate bank accounts. We are married now and share all finances, but we also had a prenup. I'm a fan of watching out for your money, because you never know what's going to happen. I would never let someone else pay off my loans. A plane ticket- sure no problem.

[BaconGirl05]

He wouldn't be paying them off, he just wants to help. I'm paying them off as I go through school and he wants to pitch in. But I agree with what you say. I don't want him to help me with it because I don't want to accept his money, it is my responsibility to do it and it's just hard to make him see that.

[whatruckus]

I agree with everyone else. My ex wanted us to get a joint account, I refused. He also asked me if he could use my savings (at the time, I had about $3k saved) to use as a down payment on a new Camaro (this was when Transformers came out, and he wanted a Bumble Bee car). And, I wasn't going to be able to drive it. I lent him money all the time, and he never paid me back...even when he promised. I regret it, to be honest.

My SO on the other hand, I don't mind paying for things for him, even though he really hates it. I'm in a slightly better financial situation than him because my parents pay for everything for me (trust me, my dad prefers it this way because he wants us kids to save our money, and he likes spoiling us). SO had mishap with his insurance overlapping on his car, and he got a big ticket for it and they were going to suspend his registration until he got it sorted out and paid the $588 USD fee. He couldn't afford it at the time, and if he drove his car with the registration suspended, his car probably would've gotten impounded and ticketed again for driving with a suspended registration. My thought process was if he doesn't have a car, he can't get to work. If he can't get to work, he can't make the money he needed to pay for the fee. So, I had the money, so I paid for the fee to reinstate his registration. He's going to be paying me back when he can save up enough to, after working multiple double shifts to do so. I don't mind. I don't mind doing things for my SO like this. He never asks me for money, ever. And, when he does, it's only if and when he's absolutely desperate (it's literally only happened once or twice). He refused to let me pay for the fine until I told him, it's either this or his car gets impounded and he can't get to work. He relented.

So, in a way, I can see where your SO is coming from. But, something like that, for me...I wouldn't let him pay. It is a pride thing. I don't like my SO paying for me either. Lol. I feel bad when he buys me dinner.

I think we all do both sides.

But, I do agree that you should also keep your own separate bank account too. I think Ejoriah's and lucybelle's suggestions are good suggestions.

[BaconGirl05]

Thanks for all the replies everyone! it kind of opened my eyes about this. I'll talk to my SO about the issue and let him know that it would be best to keep our finances separate (except for the rent when we move in together) that way we can see how it goes. I don't want money to be an issue in the relationship, I just want to see where we go after we move in. And I'll let him pay for things like dinner or groceries once in awhile if he offers. Hopefully he'll understand where I'm coming from.

[whatruckus]

Thanks for all the replies everyone! it kind of opened my eyes about this. I'll talk to my SO about the issue and let him know that it would be best to keep our finances separate (except for the rent when we move in together) that way we can see how it goes. I don't want money to be an issue in the relationship, I just want to see where we go after we move in. And I'll let him pay for things like dinner or groceries once in awhile if he offers. Hopefully he'll understand where I'm coming from.

Yep. Money can get ugly, it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship, or with friends, or even family. If you guys still want to get a joint account, I think Ejoriah's suggestion would work the best for you. This way you have that joint account for the rent, groceries, date nights...etc. But, you both can still stand on your own, if need be, or if you want. Plus, I feel like that'd be easier when it comes to gift giving time, because then it won't show up in the joint account and spoil it. Lol!