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Should I move to her? I'm about to lose her..

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    #1

    Should I move to her? I'm about to lose her..

    I've been in an online relationship with a girl from the past 1 and a half years. We had lot of ups and downs.. I guess more downs than ups because of me. I had to postpone my visits a lot,I lied to her, I broke many promises and all of this was because of my untreated anxiety, depression and being jobless for a year. I'm finally getting back on my feet and I've finally made my the courage to tell it to her and visit a shrink.

    She wants me to move to her country and study there ( I have plans on doing my Master's degree ). I would love to study there but I don't really know anyone over there except her.

    I want to meet her, spend some time with her in person before making the decision of moving to her country. I'm all set to meet her next month if my tourist visa gets granted. But she wants me to move to her country first with a student visa. I don't want to do that before meeting her in person. I got a decent job here but I haven't told her yet. If our meeting goes well, I intend to quit my job and apply to University over there. I'm quite lost in my life. Yes, we don't have good and honest communication. I don't feel excited about her much now and I think that's because I don't love myself, how can I love others?

    She has been patient enough, she waited a long time for me and I can feel she's starting to lose interest in me because I delayed for so long. I'm quite nervous about whether my tourist visa would get approved or not. If I don't get my visa, it's probably the end of our relationship. She wants me to move there as soon as possible but I want to spend some time with her before making and drastic decisions in my life. She's a wonderful person, no doubt about that, I want her to know me in person and like me.

    What should I do? I know I've been a bad person to her but I'm trying to make up for it. I feel like it's too late. I really need some insight.

    Thanks for reading.
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    #2
    If your relationship right now is depending on whether or not you get granted a visa, that's a huge red flag. Problems don't magically go away when you visit unfortunately... Sometimes the chemistry we feel online isn't even there in real life. I agree that it's foolish to go there on a student visa when you're not particularly drawn to the university or the country. Do not go there just for her if there's so many rocks on the road and you're having issues already. It's great that you're getting your life back on track and that you got a good job, I feel like focusing on yourself right now is best for you. This step you are willing to take for her may not be realistic. Good luck!

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      #3
      Originally posted by MissButterfly View Post
      If your relationship right now is depending on whether or not you get granted a visa, that's a huge red flag. Problems don't magically go away when you visit unfortunately... Sometimes the chemistry we feel online isn't even there in real life. I agree that it's foolish to go there on a student visa when you're not particularly drawn to the university or the country. Do not go there just for her if there's so many rocks on the road and you're having issues already. It's great that you're getting your life back on track and that you got a good job, I feel like focusing on yourself right now is best for you. This step you are willing to take for her may not be realistic. Good luck!
      I don't think my relationship depends on my visa. It's just the sheer disappointment if my visa isn't granted. I am well aware of the part where you mentioned about the chemistry in person. I understand problems don't always go by meeting in person but I believe a lot of problems will be solved by meeting in person. Most those problems are from me. I won't go there just for her.. I want to go there for my studies but never decided 'when' I would be going. I Want to go there when I have resolved my issues I'm facing currently.

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        #4
        You sound like you have a lot going on right now just working on yourself. Your health, mental and physical, should be your main priority. Schooling, if you choose to continue your education, should be at a school of your choosing that is in an area that you want to be in. No one should choose a school simply based on the location of their SO.
        To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

        ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

        Comment

          #5
          Originally posted by AnalogueAnimal View Post
          I don't think my relationship depends on my visa. It's just the sheer disappointment if my visa isn't granted. I am well aware of the part where you mentioned about the chemistry in person. I understand problems don't always go by meeting in person but I believe a lot of problems will be solved by meeting in person. Most those problems are from me. I won't go there just for her.. I want to go there for my studies but never decided 'when' I would be going. I Want to go there when I have resolved my issues I'm facing currently.
          You said "If I don't get my visa, it's probably the end of our relationship." which is why I responded the way I did. Your relationship should be healthy enough to continue regardless of you getting a visa, because you have no control over it if you submitted everything they asked for. You are clearly not in a position to move there right now, even if she would want you to. If she does not respect that, then I don't think there is anything you can do about it. Rushing over there because she wants you to study there is a really bad decision for your personal happiness, it seems. I agree with R&R, you should choose a school that feels right. Your education is really important and a Master's degree is a big deal. Don't let your choice of university depend on her, because it won't yield the best results in the long run.

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            #6
            If you're having problems now, they'll probably get even worse in RL. I see too many things going wrong for you, and things getting worse with your health and mental state. Look, do yourself a favour here. Don't go. Get yourself sorted out, and look out for yourself. If she really cares for you she will understand. If not... then I'm afraid you have your answer.

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              #7
              I think that if your tourist visa comes through, you should go visit her. Do not make plans to permanently move there until you've seen her and things are not as rocky... But do go see her.

              I typically do believe that if a relationship is rocky a visit won't help. Yet in this case you admit it was because you lied to her and postponed your visits etc. She needs to know you've turned a page and she can count on you now, and finally going to visit and keeping your word would be a first step in that direction. You are also right in meeting first before uprooting your whole life to study there.

              I wish you the best.
              So, here you are
              too foreign for home
              too foreign for here.
              Never enough for both.
              Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Diaspora Blues

              Comment

                #8
                Best of luck on your tourist visa and visit!

                Please, dont move to another country just for her. If it benifits your education and mental health issues, feel free to move, but otherwise you may be better of working on your separate lives and planning visits. Closing the distance is a big change
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                Comment

                  #9
                  It sounds to me like you already know the answer based on how you talked about this. You didn't really talk about wanting to move there. You want to meet her in person, but I think you understand that just up and moving when you haven't met is a big deal. I have been with my SO for a year and a half and we were friends for 5 years before we started dating. I will be graduating from my masters this spring and plan on moving down there if I get a job, and this is still a big deal for me, and I get to see him every month. It's huge to leave behind friends and family, familiarity and comfort, and I would say that's especially true if struggling with mental health. You said she's a wonderful person, but you didn't stay anything about wanting to marry her, and I don't hear a lot about you two having a good and healthy relationship. Is it possible that your anxiety and depression are motivating you to stay because you don't want to be alone? I know that it is easy to respond defensively to questions like that, but I think if you're serious about her and your relationship you should take time to open your heart to that possibility and really decide that you want to make things work with her because you love her and you're good together. As I start the process of applying to jobs where my SO is, I have been contemplating these things as well, and really evaluating where I see our relationship going. Look at the risks of moving, and decide if it's worth it for you. You have a good job, which isn't easy to find these days, and quitting that could be very foolish, especially if you are unsure about your relationship.

                  To sum it all up, visit first. See her life, her mannerisms, who she is in person and how you feel about her. Even then maybe stay where you are and work for a while while you continue to work on your own health and improve your relationship.

                  Best of luck to you!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Actually I feel that you should at least go and meet her, but only if that's what you yourself want. Whatever it is that you choose you shouldn't have any regrets or doubts. If you have a chance to meet her, by all means take it. In regards to actually moving there it sounds foolish to move in with someone you haven't even met IRL yet. Even if you have known each other for a year and a half it still sounds like a bad idea to me. Before you do anything though you need to have a talk with her and tell her all the doubts you have. Like Miss Butterfly says, if she does not respect that, then there's nothing that can be done. Best of luck with everything.

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