Looking for advice?

[Celtic49]

Ok, first off I'm not used to asking for help but I'm in uncharted territory here. A little background... I met thus girl on a dating app, go figure. I passed her profile quite a few times, but something about it kept making me second glance. Finally messaged her and actually hit it off pretty quickly. We met a month or so later, and just the feeling I got being around her was like nothing I had ever felt before. We saw each other a couple more times and then we made it official.

We get to see each other fairly regularly, every other week or so since the distance isn't incredibly terrible. In the beginning, we would go out and do things...wander the mall, get dinner, hit the park or beach, whatever. She does still live at home so there's always that parental overbearance. Lately though, couple months I'd say, we haven't really done anything. Things have been rocky, to the point where she's tried to break it off out of frustration a few times. Here's where I should mention there are quite a few outside factors. She has been sick a bit and won't see a doctor, home life isn't great, I work overnight and sleep most of the day, and some other smaller things.

Now, a couple months ago I made a promise to her that by her birthday (mid april) I wanted to have everything ready to move closer... Job lined up or secured, housing secured, everything. That alone stresses me out to no end, but I try (and apparently fail miserably) to keep a lid on it.

Basically it boils down to this... Things have been rocky. I know her home life and being ever sick plays a part but I know there are other factors at play. I try my best to keep her happy, show her how much she means to me and how much I appreciate her and everything she does, and to show her I'm dead set on this move. I care more about this girl more than anything and am mortified of losing her. Any input, advice, suggestions on what to do to help re strengthen our relationship? I know I rambled a bit and probably left out key details, so any questions just ask. Any help or viewpoints are greatly appreciated!

[anyong]

Did you guys try to have a serious talk about this?
In my opinion that is the only way how to make relationships work out well. Of course both have to be very honest and open minded to have a good talk and understanding each other.

[Celtic49]

I've tried to ask what's going on multiple times. She kind of skirts it, saying I've told you before (which is probably true, just not bluntly) the main thing I get when I ask is things just haven't been the same. Ok, I realize that, but why? She isn't one to open up like that unfortunately, she's very independent. I think that's the one thing that kills me most, her not being straight forward and saying 'this is what's up, this is what I feel has changed, or this is what I don't like'. Just something for me to go off of ya know?

[R&R]

I wouldn't up and move your life until you know for sure what is going on. Unless you could be happy where she lives even if you two broke up, don't make the move yet. You may have to be very blunt with her and tell her exactly how you feel and that you need an honest answer from her, even if her answer is that she doesn't know how she feels right now and isn't sure that she wants to continue the relationship. You deserve honesty.

[Honour]

You might really need to push to get an answer from her, then again... that would probably just make her clam up even more. The only thing to do is either wait until she tells you of her own accord or come to a compromise of some sorts, having given it some time. I can't think of much else.

[Celtic49]

I honestly could be happy just about anywhere. I'm not really leaving a whole lot behind in my town. I'm more adaptable than most, so change wouldn't bother me. I don't want to push too mush because I've had mixed success with it in the past. Sometimes she breaks and tells me what's going on, other times she wants to break it off because she thinks she's not being a good girl to me. I think some of that second part stems from the home life, but I know I probably don't always make her feel as though she is everything I know she is....if that made sense.

[Chillosaurus]

[...] Things have been rocky, to the point where she's tried to break it off out of frustration a few times.

What do you mean?
What does "tried" mean in this context?
Did she want to leave you? If so, you should have let her go. You can't control someone else's life.

Now, a couple months ago I made a promise to her that by her birthday (mid april) I wanted to have everything ready to move closer... Job lined up or secured, housing secured, everything. That alone stresses me out to no end, but I try (and apparently fail miserably) to keep a lid on it.

What did she do to deserve it?
As long as you are not able to make her open up to you, it will be difficult to have fruitful discussions - and not recommended to go that step. Anyway, you gave your word and you will have to keep it, unless she is being bad to you. Keep in mind, when you do not push to get to the root of everything - you rob yourself from the chance to really getting to know your partner.

Any input, advice, suggestions on what to do to help re strengthen our relationship? I know I rambled a bit and probably left out key details, so any questions just ask. Any help or viewpoints are greatly appreciated!

It is your job to be happy yourself, first. She can come along, if she wants to.
Meet your friends, do sports, make a date when you hear from her, hang out, have fun, hook up, sleep, eat, repeat.

[Celtic49]

Ok let's try to hit these in order... We got into heated arguments, she told me she didn't want to be together. I know her well enough to know she didn't really mean it, it was emotion talking. I kept talking with her, trying to calm her and reassure her and she always came back down and apologized. Like I mentioned before, she has (as much as I hate to say it) a pretty shitty home life and no real support. Having that to contend with alone can put someone on edge so there are days she has a hair trigger temper, as do I. I also have a relatively sure feeling if she wanted to end it she would have, straight out. I just feel there's a lot out of my control that is influencing our relationship that I am, in one way or another, trying to remedy.

Second, what are you referring to in deserving? If you're talking about the move, it's to be closer to her. To give her someone who is actually there for her, to support her and to empower her to be her best if you will. Neither of us have much support on our own, and we seem to do well with bringing each other up. So, going out on a limb to a point, closing the gap in my mind would help smooth over some issues. Cure them, no, but certainly help.

Third, my life in my town is complacent at best. Most friends from school moved or passed on. I work third shift so my days are spent sleeping. I make enough to get by and see her when I can, but extra curriculars I don't do much because I don't have people or drive really anymore to do them. Sleep, eat, work, repeat... That's about it. I don't do hook up, never have. Can't bring myself to do it. I get joy and happiness out of bringing others up, helping others. Me, I could care less. I do what I need to in order to get by, but as bad as it is, I need to help someone or others to have the drive to get better. She gives me that drive to not only help her, but to better myself.

[Redheart14]

I wouldn't up and move your life until you know for sure what is going on. Unless you could be happy where she lives even if you two broke up, don't make the move yet. You may have to be very blunt with her and tell her exactly how you feel and that you need an honest answer from her, even if her answer is that she doesn't know how she feels right now and isn't sure that she wants to continue the relationship. You deserve honesty.

^^this

[Celtic49]

The move we keep discussing. Can't quite do anything just yet, besides look and plan. But we are talking things through, trying to figure out what's been going on and what we can do to right the ship so to speak. I appreciate all of the feedback, having outside viewpoints is always a nice thing to have.

[sasad]

How old is she? Would she move in with you? Do you still see each other as much? I do understand what you are saying with her pushing you away and breaking up. I went through that at one point. I did it because I was afraid of being hurt or let down, so I tried to do it first. I was able to move past that with communication. In person. Text can and almost always gets messed up. Telephones don't allow facial expressions or the ability to touch. Is there any way at all you can get alone someplace and really talk? Can you email her some basic questions or ideas that you want to discuss with her so she doesn't feel blindsided?.

[Celtic49]

She's 18, and we've discussed her moving in with me and she wants to. I've talked with other people, and our plan was I move, get settled for a few months, then she'd come live with me. But everyone I talk to who has any information on it thinks it will happen quicker. It's hard to get alone time for a plethora of reasons. I agree on the texting issue, it has happened more than a few times. Calling, I love just hearing the sound of her voice, and you can almost hear her smiling from time to time. I am trying to get through to her we need more us time, we haven't had any to speak of in a few months, and I think that is a big part of the problem.