Problems with long term plans and travelling

[Gon-o-gon]

Okay, I joined a long time ago but now posting for the first time because of an issue that's been kind of latent in the background and just had a bit of a fight about it.

We've been going out for 4 years, will be 5 in August. Still trying to close the distance and it's not easy with her in college and me with a job and a career I can't just pick up and continue in her country, since it's real estate and family business, in which I'm doing pretty well. My real estate degree would mean nothing in Sweden so if I go there I'd be basically jobless and with no degrees, so I'm naturally pretty stressed about going there, since she's studying and doesn't have a proper job herself either.

The problem now is that she's very sure she wants to go on a long trip for a year or two within the next 5 years, just picking up a bike or a van and just travelling around. I'm arguing that we really need to solve a lot of things first and even then I'm not sure how realistic it could be since that needs to be funded as well and so on, and even if all of that is done, I'm not actually sure I'd want to travel for that long. I brought it up and asked, "well, what If I don't want to?" And her answer, while nice, left me wondering a few things. She basically replied "just because I want to do something or other we don't need to set a plan on how to do it, when, how much Money or time ti will be, who's going to do it, how are we going to solve this other thing - just relax"

So I'm left wondering, is this a major incompatibility of plans? She seems to be wanting to do it with or without me and I don't know, I'd be sacrificing a lot of things just to go to Sweden for example, but then she'd be willing to be away for up to 2 years from me just so she can get that trip done? I don't know if I'd be willing to take that time apart when we've already have to gone through all this just to get to that again, except this time it'd be out of her own choice and not circumstances that make it an LDR. And especially if it's her just travelling on her own for such a long time, I'm sort of jealous and an LDR hasn't been easy for me thus far, her travelling alone for such a long time would be something that I might not be able to stand.

I feel like I'm a monster for even saying that a trip like that is not easy or that maybe it won't happen, but again, I don't know, 99% of people in the world would be thrilled with just getting to travel 2 weeks a year somewhere nice and we've been doing way over that so far, probably have travelled together more than most people in the world would in their entire lives already. I'm not opposed to having roadtrips and maybe travelling 3 weeks or a month at time for example. We've travelled low cost before, have camped, etc, but nope, she wants more than that. I feel like it's just being spoiled that she MUST travel for two years like that and so on.

Basically, what I want to figure out is, am I in the wrong here? Am I an evil monster that's trying to stop her from doing what she dreams? Or is this something that sounds as insane to others as it sounds to me?
It's stressing me out a lot and it's not the first time she's mentioned it and we've had sort of an argument about it. Last time she claimed I was just being a pessimist and being possesive. This time she just went to bed without answering after a couple of replies, so I'm left here feeling like ass.

I know this is pretty rambly, but yeah. Thanks for reading.

[differentcountries]

I'd say, if she wants to travel,let her travel. Maybe ıt is a once in a li uppertunity for her. But ask her like hokey, after your year of adventure, we will be going for closing the distance, right?

[Gon-o-gon]

I'd say, if she wants to travel,let her travel. Maybe ıt is a once in a li uppertunity for her. But ask her like hokey, after your year of adventure, we will be going for closing the distance, right?

Honestly, I don't think I'd be willing to do that, if it came to that I would have to break up with her as much as it'd hurt me. While I do trust her in normal conditions, I think her absolutely having to do it in disregard of everything else and knowing how I feel about it and how bad and jealous and worried she knows I'd feel about it, would just scream selfishness to me.

Especially when there's a very clear alternative, I'm not opposed to travelling at all. I'm more than happy to travel for a month or two a year if we can do it and I've been the one to bring up low cost travelling when we've done it, but just leaving EVERYTHING behind and going away for two years sounds extremely unnecessary to me. I get that it's one of her dreams, but some dreams are less doable than others, and they conflict with other dreams we have, so yeah. Not just because you think doing something might be cool it's a complete MUST to do it.

[R&R]

Honestly, I don't think I'd be willing to do that, if it came to that I would have to break up with her as much as it'd hurt me. While I do trust her in normal conditions, I think her absolutely having to do it in disregard of everything else and knowing how I feel about it and how bad and jealous and worried she knows I'd feel about it, would just scream selfishness to me.

Especially when there's a very clear alternative, I'm not opposed to travelling at all. I'm more than happy to travel for a month or two a year if we can do it and I've been the one to bring up low cost travelling when we've done it, but just leaving EVERYTHING behind and going away for two years sounds extremely unnecessary to me. I get that it's one of her dreams, but some dreams are less doable than others, and they conflict with other dreams we have, so yeah. Not just because you think doing something might be cool it's a complete MUST to do it.

If she decides to do this, it will be a once in a lifetime for her. And yes, it may be the thing that makes you decide that you can no longer stay in the relationship. Sometimes, there is a place where people need to venture out on their own because they will always regret it if they don't. Trust is important and if you feel that you can't trust her in this scenario, even though she may be 100% trustworthy, you're not going to be happy while she's off doing her thing.

You're going to have to be honest with her. Tell her that you will not stop her from doing what she wants to do but if she chooses to do so, that you think it's best to end the relationship. When she gets back, you can talk and see where each of you are at. You may have met someone else or she may have met someone else. You may both also realize that the year apart has really made you decide you want to be together and close that distance. Don't hold her back and don't let her leaving (if she goes) stop you from living your life either.

[Gon-o-gon]

Don't hold her back and don't let her leaving (if she goes) stop you from living your life either.

I get what you're saying, but I'm already going to be sacrificing a lot to be with her. I'll be moving to Sweden and leaving family and friends to be with her, so it's already affecting me and stopping me from living my life, I'd be in a foreign country only to find out she suddenly wants to do this trip even if it's without me and be left alone barely knowing anyone.

I'm also a once in a lifetime thing for her, and I want to feel like that. If a trip like that feels more important than spending that time with me after all these years trying to close the distance, then there's something definitely wrong there, the way I see it.

[R&R]

I get what you're saying, but I'm already going to be sacrificing a lot to be with her. I'll be moving to Sweden and leaving family and friends to be with her, so it's already affecting me and stopping me from living my life, I'd be in a foreign country only to find out she suddenly wants to do this trip even if it's without me and be left alone barely knowing anyone.

I'm also a once in a lifetime thing for her, and I want to feel like that. If a trip like that feels more important than spending that time with me after all these years trying to close the distance, then there's something definitely wrong there, the way I see it.

Then I think you already have your answer as to what to do.

[Sakuu4]

To me it seems like the one who decided you had to do this trip together is just you.
What's wrong with her travelling alone? Maybe you can compromise and make it a 6 months trip, but I don't see why she should stop doing something she really wants to. And since she is still in college it sounds clever to do that before starting to work.
Also, if you are so worried about leaving your country and live in Sweden maybe you should reconsider it.

Don't think too much and don't set plan by yourself. If you really need a plan to go on with this relationship talk to her, cause maybe she doesn't even realize that you think of her as selfish.

[Teacherfairy]

You obviously love her very much! But you have to let her follow her dreams. If you don't, she will resent you in the long run. Can you not check in with her at different parts of her travels? If you're meant to be together it will work out in the long run. This is what I keep telling myself anyway!

[Honour]

You can't hold her back. If you can't find a way around it, then like R&R said, then you already have your answer.

[differentcountries]

I get what you're saying, but I'm already going to be sacrificing a lot to be with her. I'll be moving to Sweden and leaving family and friends to be with her, so it's already affecting me and stopping me from living my life, I'd be in a foreign country only to find out she suddenly wants to do this trip even if it's without me and be left alone barely knowing anyone.

I'm also a once in a lifetime thing for her, and I want to feel like that. If a trip like that feels more important than spending that time with me after all these years trying to close the distance, then there's something definitely wrong there, the way I see it.

You see, there are so many ways you could look at this. If you honestly feel like moving to Sweeden would be a downgrade for you, I don't think that route would be the best option for you. I am a little surprised that you barely know anyone in Sweeden after "so many years" of dating, perhaps it would be a good idea to work on your social circle there before you come and not after you come and will be without work and income for a while (let us be honest:with her working fulltime or more to support you, and you studying Sweedish, there is not going to be a whole lot of money and energy left to socialize). It honestly sounds to me like this is not about the trip (you could always find out WHY the trip is important to her, and work out a livable compromise), but that you feel the move is wrong for you.